b'ahava wrote on 20 Dec 2009 20:20:
Chovos Halevovos Shaar Habitachon, for starteres.

The best way to avoid the 1 month slip is to "bookend."  Have people to call or write before the 30 days and after the 30 days.  Make a list of things you can do around those days to occupy your time and your mind.

Elya

...and I just had a slip.

And I was saved by the chasadim of the Ribono Shel Olam.

I don't want to fall back. I've come to far!!!

So CALL someone
NOW!

I did. Chasdei Hashem saved me.
I'm safe for now.

Baruch Hashem!

Hey b'ahava,

I just read all 4 pages of your thread, and was holding my breath the entire time. I was terrified this was going to end like some not such happy stories. You really suprised me. Most people at this point in the story would be discussing how to get up from their last dreadful fall. But I gotta tell you, I'm really impressed. I have such nachas seeing another jew with such determination! I don't know if you realize this, but you have been put through one type of test after another, and you just keep raising the Shem H-shem over everything that insists that it has what it takes to separate a jew from his creator. You are truly an inspiration for us all. You must have a very special neshama.
Being that this is so, please don't think you can take it easy. On the contrary. There is an enormous lack of high-ranking soldiers in the fight for Ratzon H-shem, and whenever anybody looks like a promising individual, he is raised to greater responsibilities - very quickly. Yes, the feelings of dispair will chase you, and you will find yourself lacking any incentive at times. These are the places where the intese battles are fought. There is nothing greater than a jew proclaiming "H-SHEM HU HA'ELOKIM!!" when the only thing he has to motivate him, is his raw knowledge that "H-shem is King, and his will is for me to be strong" and nothing else.
It's not every day that such a kiddush H-shem is available to us, and we really have to take advantage of those moments. There's a reason it is so special to keep Torah & Mitzvos in darkness. Because it's hard. It takes REAL dedication and will. But it's precisely those moments which build us more than anything else. Your someone we all look up to now, hate to sound cliche, but HANG IN THERE!!!


KG

Guys, we need to talk.

I made a big mistake.

I ignored the signs.
I violated my fences.
I refused to get out of my rut.
I made light of the severity of the sin.
And I didn't respect my addiction.

I wish I could turn the clock back half an hour. More than anything in the world.

I'm so sorry to you all. I've let you down. I've let myself down. And I've let my father in shamayim down.

I've fallen.

For the first time in 74 days. I've fallen.

I'm ashamed. I'm sorry. I hope you all will forgive me.

What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to feel?

I have such a rush of emotions right now.

I'm angry at myself for being so stupid.
I'm sad. I feel hopeless. I'm crying over a sin for the first time in my life.
I'm thinking about what went wrong.
I'm thinking about how to do teshuva.
I'm thinking about how to break the news to my friend, and how I will ever approach my Rebbi again.

There's too much in my head right now.

What do I do? Do I force myself to go to sleep and think about this later? It feels like that's what got me here in the first place.

Why don't you check out the depressed persons chill spot.... Right now you just need to get sane again.
You won't be in your right mind for a few days, so don't even bother trying to fix what you did wrong, what caused you to mess up. Right now just pretend it didn't happen, and place 100% of your focus on not messing up again, because one fall is reasonably reversable-ish, more than that - it's still possible, but gets a little more complicated.
Your still our man!!
A bajillion clean days is only 1/2 of the greatness. The other 1/2 is getting up after a fall and starting again, without letting the fall turn into a disastros en largas proportionos.
Remember, those 74 didn't go anywhere, their yours to keep forever. Now your going to outdo even that. Do yourself a favor, and don't beat yourself up, because as of now, the voice won't be that of the Yetzer Tov. He only speaks clearly - AFTER your already up.
We still love you, we all went through this, we all got up - so will you!!

Dear, sweet b'ahava,
Even though my general approach to this entire issue is very different than yours, I'll leave that and my opinions completely out here, be"H, and here are some thoughts that may be for you: (all mine are in blue print, yours are in black)
What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to feel?
What you feel is what you feel. Facing yourself - screwy feelings and all - is always, always, always a tremendous gift. Even if your feelings are still what you might call "stupid".
On the other hand, feelings are just feelings and not reality, as my sponsor (annoyingly) says to me when I take myself and what i am feeling too seriously. Sometimes, like when you realize things like There's too much in my head right now it's a really bad time to focus on changing our feelings. It may not sound very nice, but: Too bad. This is how you are feeling. But hey, that's all. The way we feel about things is not necessarily the truth about things, at all! Admitting that is huge for me, so I'm sharing it with you.

I'm sad. I feel hopeless. I'm crying over a sin for the first time in my life. Wow. You may be having an 'episode' of some true yir'as cheit for the first time in your life. I'd give you a hug (with Uri if possible), a mazel tov, and hug you again...if you didn't mind, that is....

I'm thinking about how to break the news to my friend, and how I will ever approach my Rebbi again. Hey - what we did is not going to change. We did it. Not facing or admitting it will not help anyone, least of all ourselves. Yeah, I feel like running and hiding from myself every time i screw up in some way....but that's just a feeling, not reality. I do not really need to do that, at all. Admitting the truth to a safe person is often the very best thing we can do for ourselves, in every respect - including helping us feel better! So, given all the facts, you are a lucky guy right now.

What do I do? Do I force myself to go to sleep and think about this later? It feels like that's what got me here in the first place.
Yow! A zinger! Surely, it was! I'll rephrase with some help from an AA old-timer, "We can't think ourselves into right living. We can only live ourselves into right thinking." You seem to have the same experience.

Ashrecha, b'ahava!

I quoted you and Reb Dov in today's Chizuk e-mail... (the post where you asked how to get out of the Rut and Dov responded how we are still like babies, just beginning sanity... But I loved this part of Dov's post best:

I cannot accept that Hashem brought you through this problem just to get you out of it so you could just move on from here as though nothing happened. He could have protected you from getting into the problem in the first place then, no?

Listen closely, my sweet Yid: To quote Rav Noach Weinberg,"He found a way to get your attention", probably because he was missing you a whole lot. This IS your trip, not just an accident He "saved" you from.

And my dear Yid, here's some more helpful perspective:

One of the most meaningful things that we can take out of a fall (after a long clean streak like yours) - besides for brushing up on our defenses and strengthening our barriers, is simply the humility that we get when we realize that in spite of how well we were doing, we were able to fall - just like that. And that humility renews our connection with Hashem. The more we feel how much we NEED Hashem's constant mercy and help each day, the more connected and dependant we are on Him.

This kesher is so precious, that sometimes for that alone Hashem brings a Tzadik to fall.

So I took a shot of Vodka and forced myself to sleep. Not that my dreams were much of an escape.

But I'm more in control of my thoughts now. Or at least more numb.

The main thing coming through now is sadness. Like mourning sadness. I'm not sure I've ever been sad like this in my life. I don't remember ever crying from sadness before, and now the tears just flow.

I suppose that's a good thing. 74 days ago, I couldn't get sad over this. Only frustrated and depressed. My attitude is more mature now, because I know this is just a bump in the road. A terrible bump. But one I know I can overcome. I'm not going to let this setback ruin me. I have too much to live for.

Truer words couldnt of been spoken. Were all so sorry to hear about your fall, b'ahava. But dont forget, to Hashem every second counts even if its not consecitive.

b'ahava, I can only offer you a great bug HUG together with Dov.

You are such a sweet and precious Jew.