I found Dovs words in today's email really powerful and relevant to some of my particular struggles.
I'm posting a copy here for future reference.
Quote: "I feel drained right now. I feel like I've been fighting the whole entire
day."
Ok, Airbag and seatbelt time.... uh-oh.
Either the outer environment needs to change, or the inner environment does. One
of them has to go. If you believe it's from inside you, I do not understand how
anyone expects to "beat" a mental illness. Just go and ask any crazy person, maybe
he'll tell you.... Now, if it's really just "a ta'ava", then I understand - fight,
fight, fight. But if:
Quote: "I feel that if I can get past the hard times it will only get easier. But
I never can get past them."
... as you put it, then perhaps, maybe, it's time to give the entire fight up to
Hashem. To me, that means (step 1 [http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/12Steps/12StepsStan.asp])
admitting to Him exactly what you want to do [i.e. pursue the lust], (step 2 [http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/12Steps/12StepsStan.asp])
asking Him to help you just let go of the entire idea, to give it up completely
and trust in Him fully. And then (step 3 [http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/12Steps/12StepsStan.asp])
to take the actions of letting it go, like getting busy with something else; preferably
finding some way to give or love someone: people, or lehavdil, Hashem, (or even
ourselves... if we really know how to).
And also, to me, it means agreeing to never take the credit for "winning" again.
As long as you admit you are nuts, and you admit you have no other hope but His
help, and you do what you can to make going about His business your priority right
now, then it's His business if you succeed or fail, not yours.
Sound crazy? Well, I think busting one's head against the wall for the 15,000th
time with the same losing derech - (only harder this time) - yet expecting things
to be entirely different this time - is pretty crazy, too :-)
Quote: "But it aint over till its over."
And when is that? Won't there be a next time? Yes, for those who let go of it each
time, it does get easier over time. But for those who just distract themselves from
it to get over it, I believe there is a residue from each struggle, that may not
go away. A feeling of, "well, I gave up that nice one, I deserve a consolation
prize" or, "poor me, I lost out on so much fun," or, "woohoo, I can control this
stuff, after all! So maybe I can use and enjoy it - and just stop it as soon as
it starts to get out of hand, no?". Those natural thought patterns would build
up in me over time until... you guessed it. And no wonder it's a tidal wave then!
(And then we act as though it's such a surprise!???)
I have no other explanation than the above for the very common phenomena of the
guy (like me) who could "go for a month, or so, until the pressure builds up", or
whatever. Or so many of the well-meaning folks here with 23 days, or 33 days, over
and over again for five years... you know what I mean. How else can anyone explain
that? Please let me know, will ya?
What people like me need is a psychic change. Not improvement, but a new derech.
Let Hashem figure out if it's called teshuvah or not. It's gotta be a different
fight, or else.
On a good day, I let the fight be His business, and my job is to do His work...
and when lust ideas occur to me, I admit to myself that I am not just another yid
with "a ta'yva", but rather, that I am "cracked" in the head. I have an allergy.
I am not able to lust like others can, and control it. They can perhaps, but not
I. So no wonder I need a Higher Power. I avoid it like fire by closing my eyes or
my brain and doing something else. I make a call to a friend and admit exactly how
sick I am. Then I go happily from there, completely free.
I don't need Hashem's power to help me "beat" this Yetzer Hara. I need him to remove
the lust from me. I need His help to get myself out of His way. I need to go about
His work, period. Not fight any battles.
A huge problem here is that if you just extract the surrender and trust in Hashem,
the whole thing still looks like some kind of winning. Some folks will totally mistake
the "closing of the eyes" or the "making a call to another addict" as the way we
fight it. It's not. It's just the actions we take to give it up. As many addicts
who actually use the steps [http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/The%2012-Steps%20and%2012%20traditions.pdf]
will attest, the total freedom from the nutty lust comes during the dialing of the
friends phone number, or during the prayer itself. Like when I say, "G-d, whatever
I am looking for in the image of that woman walking by, let me find it in You, instead."
Ahhhh. By the time I get up to the second half of the word G-d, we feel the whole
thing evaporating.
It may not work perfectly all the time, but we stay sober from the bottom line behavior
this way, no matter what. And over time, our heads change. The struggles are surrendered.
There is no more pressure build up. If there is, then we take an honest look at
our first step [http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/12Steps/12StepsStan.asp], perhaps
with a friend, and go on from there.
Quote: "I can use chizuk right now."
Well, I don't know if that constituted chizuk, but sometimes we don't need encouragement,
rather we need someone to remind us that "I have no one to rely on but myself"(as
in the story in the Gemara [http://rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=944.msg18019#msg18019]
of the sex-addict, Rav Elazar Ben Drudya), by holding up a mirror. I hope you see
that Hashem is in there right next to you, no matter what.
