Greetings denizens.

My last post was ages ago, months even, and in it (I have just read it) I asked how I can open up, after I fell. Well, I didn't open up - I am too much of a lone wolf for that, though in hindsight, it may have helped. Or it may not have, who knows.

Well, all was going, by and large, well. I managed to go the full 90 days or more without m'ing or looking at porn. A really achievement, and I was quite chuffed about that. However, after that, I got complacent. It started quite basic; I would read a newspaper someone left on the bus or something, and have a cheeky glance at the pictures of the models on the fashion pages. No harm, I thought, in simply looking at a pretty woman. And it would just be that; looking at the posters of the lingerie models in town; its only a glance, what harm can it do? I didn't count these as slips, though rightly I should have.

And, it went on slowly escalating, and I won't say I wasn't conscious of it. Heck, I was fully aware of the fact that I had promised I wouldn't do this, but I just gave myself a slap on the wrist and walked away. It was only a peek, not a problem.

And then, as happens to any wall with cracks in, it inevitably crumbles and tumbles. See, in the university library, they have some books on art, and I convinced myself to go there for only one reason; to see if there were any books on the female figure in art, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with my course. Lo and behold, there was one, and I had a look, but then I thought, no, best put this down. So, I did so, not without periodically going back for a look. All in all, relatively pathetic.

And so, I went home, and long story short, I looked at porn and BAM, 90 days of effort not merely down the drain, because, lets face it, they had already been there, but well and truly flowing down the sewer. And then I did this.

I don't want this to sound like a whole 'poor me' narrative, or a like a kind of self-absorbed diary, though you will hopefully forgive the fact that it does. Naturlich I fell ashamed, and of course, I have broken my promise to G-d; frankly, I don't think my word is very good at the moment. I don't even need to use hindsight to see where I went wrong, because it was obvious the whole time. I am angry with myself, and I don't want to be playing the victim here. And I know it is stupid to be asking for help, when I suspect that I will eventually ignore the advice given (I hope I won't, but my track record says otherwise), and frankly, motivational advice isn't really what I am looking for.

I have a happy life; a loving family; my degree is going well; perhaps I don't feel entirely religiously fulfilled, as I don't always prayer, and my Torah reading has kind of petered out; but I don't think that that is why I fell. In fact, a few years ago, before any of this started, and actually before university, I prayed almost every day, and even walked home fast from school so I could read the latest bit of Torah and psalms; I wish I could regain that, and perhaps that is what is missing. Ah, but there is the nub! it didn't quite end overnight, so I can hardly expect it to begin. It miffs me off that I have become increasingly distant from religion; it miffs me off more that I didn't care until recently.

Frankly, I am not entirely sure why I am posting, and I hope I will be forgiven if this simply seems like rambling. Honestly, I thinking it is just some active thinking, to get my thoughts in order. I am not really searching for advice. I have already received that, and I can search your whole website, which has given me good advice in the past, though I failed to stick with it. I haven't told any 'real' people about this problem, because of shame mostly, and as hypocritical as I feel telling people how disgusting porn and self abuse is, I am in no mind to change my position. Porn and self-abuse are disgusting, and it is sad that so many people slip. And anyway, I don't really feel comfortable telling real people any personal things about myself, not even my family - it is far easier just to say 'I'm fine' and move on. I know this is my fault, something I have to deal with. I know my attitude is probably all wrong and self defeating. I know many people have lust issues far worse than mine.

But I just needed a rant. And there I close.

Heck of a share!
Yes, it's good to rant.
We pornsters tend to think that we have it all figured out, or we have nothin' figured out; we don't like that middle ground.
We are high-falutin' and complacent, and soon afterwards, we are the dregs of the world, sewer-dwellers and such.
Yes, it sounds familiar.

But, there is a way out.

b'hatzlachah

my oh my your experience sounds familiar to so many of my own. - I know only too well the roller coaster feel of going from a good place emotionally to a pathetic state of mind.
But look well at what you posted. You had a real nice run when you were sober. Why not focus on that and feel confident that you can indeed curtail the lust and live porn-free.

I suggest getting into the handbook. Be a part of the forum and feel the spirit of friendship that is so helpful in our struggles.

Good Luck!

I'm sorry about your fall.

Your 90 days are not down the drain and never were.

May you pick yourself up quickly, learn from your mistakes (you obviously have the clarity of mind to know what they were - you're already ahead of the game) and keep on going!

First of all, mazal tov... not just on your 90-day streak, but also on all those other little 1, 2, 3 day stretches of clean living that I am sure you have racked up (and forgotten about). We all have them; they populate that "Total Clean Day" count everyone likes to dismiss as irrelevant. Well, it's not irrelevant. It's very important, actually. I'm just starting to realize that myself.

There's a mindset that the pros here have adopted, and I'm still trying to figure it out. All I know is that it involves letting go, relinquishing control to HaShem, and simultaneously staying vigilant -- i.e., guarding -- against the inevitable shmutz-creep that is part and parcel of our involvement in modern society. It's a beautiful, functional paradox, and quite idiomatic. That is, you have to live it to understand it; it can't be taught, and won't come in the form of advice from anyone on this forum (try as they might to get you to understand it). In other words, your success is not going to come in the form of intellectual revelation. It's going to be a subconscious victory, the result of rewiring and deprogramming. And there's a chance, a good chance, your journey will not be completely linear: you're going to fall (maybe, probably, though hopefully not).

As a balm to soothe the wounds of defeat I'm nursing from my own falls, I try to live the mantra: 0% tolerance, 100% self forgiveness. That means absolutely, positively no giving in to the temptation of peeking the tiniest peek. Like you said, little fissures lead to big cracks, and big cracks bring down the house. But when the house falls, you have to forgive yourself, 1,000,000%, and move on. Yep, another paradox. Walking around knowing that you will not tolerate the slightest breach of clean-living protocol -- walking around with the countenance of a marine drill instructor. But when you fall -- if you fall -- forgiving yourself 100%, not dwelling on your mistake, and bringing to bear on the present the full might of your NO-SLIP resolve!

And as a piece of practical advice (and I'm telling myself this more than I am you), you have to, have to, have to, have to stay connected to the community here. I'm a lone wolf when it comes to this too, and all I could say is that it doesn't work. You have to stay tethered to the Kehilla and let them help you.

Good share and thoughts TC.
Glad to see you back.

b'hatzlachah

Hi!!!

Not much to add to the posts above. Just wanted to welcome you and tell you you sound like you have your head on straight. Hang in there dude.

KOMT!!! and KOP!!!

Thank you all for your friendly advice. And I have been mulling over, and I am in full agreement with you TalmidChaim, it is definitely a process of rewiring, and restructuring your brain. After all, we can assume that our problems did not come overnight. Although the 'main event', or so to speak, may come suddenly, in reality (at least in my experience), its like there have been a team of stealth electricians of the mind, wiring up the brain so it seeks and wants to give into itself.

But confidence and morale are crucial, of course, and that is why I also agree with you when you say that you have to forgive yourself. When demoralised, I would argue, you are even more vulnerable, because if you see no hope of winning against this problem, why not simply give in? So we need confidence that we can win, and not merely confidence, but certainty. We WILL win in the long run, even if we suffer setbacks along the way.

Well said U..2258 ! So whats your plan of action going to be ?

I just joined because because of falling hard on my own. Now my biggest fear is to be where you are. Just joining GYE is hard enough; Joining and falling is an unbearable thought.

I take chizuck knowing someone has the strength to keep trying!

I am also pursuing a degree now and things should be awesome, the most depressing part is being aware that our decisions are whats causing the issues.

Kudos for getting back up and posting again!

Fear is not such a good middah to have when workin' on recovery.

Additionally, utter confidence that one will hit 90 or 100 or whatever is also not beneficial.

We need to focus on a plan of action (one that doesn't rely on hope), find workin' tools for us, and focus on today.

b'hatzlachah

Whats wrong with fear? fear is what drives simple people to do the right thing. i.e. Yiras haonesh or Yiras hachet, or the highest level of Yirah metoch Ahavah.

That is fine when we are discussin' teshuvah; that wasn't the topic...recovery was.

I'm not following. Whats wrong with being driven by fear? Lets change the examples to Fear of losing your family, job, and whats left of your relationship with g-d?

you wrote: Joining and falling is an unbearable thought.

Do you know how many people on this site joined and fell?
wanna know the percentage?
Close to 100!
Now, if it's unbearable for you, and you have that fear (which was your sentence before, although I wasn't quite sure on the reference), what will happen when/if you fall?
My answer: Don't be afraid....work recovery today.