Hi Joeshmo,
I read your thread name and thought I'd jump in and take a look. "I need help" - a cry so pure!
When I originally came to GYE a few months ago I thought I was invincible! It took a few good falls till I realized just how powerless I actually am. You wouldn’t be able to imagine how broken I was when I fell for the first time. I was terribly depressed and the only thing that helped break me out of that horrid state of mind was the numbing feeling that came from acting out even more. Though at the time I was devastated over my falls, since than, I’ve come to appreciate that without these falls I’d never be where I am now. I now recognize that I’m powerless over my addiction, and because of that I’m able to subscribe to a better game plan!
Like you, at one point deep my addiction, the excitement of taking internet relationships offline was something that grabbed a hold of me. Only, that I, with Hashem’s kindness, never had to actually hit that rock bottom to know that I’m finished with that kind of life. It was the recognition that I’m capable of going anywhere and doing anything (as an addict), which was enough to show me my state of powerlessness and scare me into change.
Joeshmo, while I commend you for your courage and bravery in joining GYE - challenging yourself in this area of your life, and for your upbeat attitude as you march toward the 90 day line, I feel it my obligation to warn you of my own pitfalls so you don’t follow me down the same crooked path. I’ll be honest with you, saying that at your current state (as you’ve taken your addiction offline), falling this way has got to be out of the question! Allowing your addiction to play out with real live people will leave you with much more to risk! It hurts me to say this, but if you can’t guide yourself back in the right direction without falling into these types of relationships, this will ruin your marriage, your job, everything you’ve invested in - your life!
Before anything, I must clarify my words: I don’t mean to frighten you into making instant change! According to all the approaches dealt with here on this site, that isn’t what we’re all about. Our aim is “progressive change”! With our continued progress, even if it isn’t in consecutive days, we effectively weaken our “need” for lust. And ultimately, in the right time, we’ll have flushed this out of our systems.
Still, at day 9(?) and with all the progressive change that you continue to make, you’ve got to keep yourself clear out of the way of danger - danger of falling back to that “rock bottom” you mentioned before. One suggestion I would make, is aside from installing a filter on your computer to block all the sites which help lead you into such falls, you’ve got to make red lines for yourself! A red line can mean: “No matter if or how I fall, in any way, I will not be dealing with real live people!”. Many of us have made such (or similar) red lines for ourselves, and we’ve seen tremendous results!
Additionally, I must mention that although it may seem a little bit backward, when dealing with addiction, willpower, self-knowledge, control, and even “trying harder”, are things that will not help us in overcoming. As a matter of fact, based on the many materials published by Alcoholics Anonymous (which has an impressive success rate at freeing people from their addiction), it is these things which sabotage our own success! It’s these things we’ve got to steer away from. Interestingly enough, it’s that we are able to surrender our addiction to a Higher Power that we can simply let go of it without even needing to fight. Our power or control is no longer an issue. We’ve given up trying to control our addiction (or anything else for that matter)!
For those who have taken this route, giving up our addiction is much more than simply aiming for sobriety. “We’ve got to find a new design for living!” is something you might here at an SA meeting. It’s when we work with our character on a very core level that we are able to take our focus off of lust completely. Let me say that again: We, the members of SA, don’t deal with lust!
Would you believe that our “lusting” comes from a neediness created by our own flaws, and if we correct those flaws our lust will simply disappear? Can you believe that we’ll be able to live as normal healthy people again who won’t need to turn to lust as our outlet? That we can once again walk the streets, drive our car, and go to the store without turning our head to catch a glance at every opportunity? In SA, the “neediness” will be removed! This is what SA gives us with our new design for living.
“Why all the talk about SA, admitting powerlessness, a Higher Power, and all that stuff?”. Okay Joeshmo, Here’s where I talk for myself: Naturally a fighter, when I first came to GYE, I was white-knuckling my way to sobriety. For me, it was my strong willpower and determination to do everything in my ability to stop. The only problem, I was fighting head on!
For the first few weeks here at GYE (, since my work allows for it), I didn’t really leave my house - at all! The only women I came in contact with was my mother. Going to the mailbox was risky, as I might get a glance of the female joggers that would be jogging by my house. If I’d go to the bank or to a store, I’d have to give myself a pep-talk beforehand so that I should be able to remain focused all during the time I was there. If I’d be hit by sudden lust, I would take one of many methods (such as jogging, doing jumping jack, taking cold showers, etc.) to get a endorphin rush which I hoped would compensate for the druglike effect that acting out would have on me.
Only later did I realize that all the measures I was taking was only making things harder for me. The more I fought, the harder things were. It’s true that I was able to achieve some clean streaks that I thought were pretty impressive, but ultimately - it all ends the same way. No matter how hard you fight, it can never keep you away from the neediness driving you to fall.
When our minds are set on fighting off lust, and this is certainly so for that addict (as addicts have got very tricky minds), it’s easy to slip into the cracks with the dozens of excuses. In my case, I found myself slipping into fetishes, telling myself: “Well, according to the rules here on GYE, there’s no reason this should be considered masturbation!”. I continued with such “slips” until ultimately they turned into falls. I kept learning from my falls, but honestly: There was no way out! I’d fall again and again.
Later it came clear to me that I wasn’t dealing with the real issues. SA’s 12-Steps makes everything black and white. “Where is it coming from?” we ask ourselves. We identify with the root of lust and that it’s always been our outlet, our coping method, and our drug of choice so that we can self-medicate and numb ourselves from feeling - from living! We realize that we, as addicts, have manipulated all those around us so that we can “use” them to our best interest in facilitation this cause - “our” cause. We’ve been taking, using, and abusing all along. Back to our question: We ask ourselves “What’s our motive? Are we giving, or are we taking?”.
The attitudes and guidance of SA and the 12-Steps has greatly helped me in getting free from the addiction, and I’m certain that you can get the same results. If you’re brave, I’d recommend getting in contact with Duvid Chaim, the moderator of the Anonymous 12-Step Phone Conference (R’ Guard can provide you with his cell-phone number), and introduce yourself. Everybody knows that Duvid Chaim is non-judgmental, a great source of guidance and knowledge, and an overall great guy who really cares!
Joeshmo, I plead with you: Please take any necessary steps in getting rid of this addiction before it does any further damage!
Wishing you much success and blessing in your journey, and may we soon see the brilliant light that you’re about to bring into the world!
With love,
2B
Im working alot of hours now but I did have a fall on sunday...its getting to the end believe..lots of prayer and just staying busy...I try not to have any idle time..Thanks alot for everything.