I am not addicted to viewing porn but I have been going into talk forums and seeking out trans-gendered people. Im not gay and have   never acted out in this way but I feel this "Dirty Talking" and viewing pictures of them is getting to be to much, it fills like its killing me with guilt. I hate getting an Aliyah anymore becuase I feel so terrible. I have a beautiful wife of 20 yrs and I have been neglecting her in the bedroom. Please any advice is appreciated. Toda.

Dear Joeshmo,

Welcome to our community! Once you’ve arrived, there’s no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

What you describe is an addiction. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You’re worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can’t be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world’s most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn’t jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn’t be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they’ve tried already, and if those steps haven’t worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won’t be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it’s anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

Dear Joeshmoe

The Yetzar Hara is a very smart guy.
First he tells you, it's nothing just curiosity.
I'm just looking.
I have no interest in this stuff.

Then, he says it's harmless chatting
No big deal!

And beforeyou know it he has you
falling so far and so fast
You don't even know what hit you.

He's an old pro
Been in the business for thousands of years!

Baruch Hashem you've come here
before you've fallen to far.

But it's imperative for you to realize
that you are at the brink
and it's a long nasty way down from here.

So grab onto the lifeline GUE is throwing you.
Don't look back!

And sign up for the 90 day chart.

And may today be the first day of the rest of your life!

PS: take your wife out for dinner.

Hi Joeshmo,

Welcome to the GUE Community. I'm a newbie poster too. In this community, you will no longer feel like a Joe-shmo but a Jew; a diamond, like each and every one of us. Your initial post shows your deep down sincerity and desire to change and return to Hashem - its great that you took the initiative.

In some way, I can relate to your chatting issue. There was a time when I was addiction to chatting, especially the dirty talking part. Thank Hashem that I quit that. I figured that there is nothing behind those meaningless words and phrases. In other words, dirty chatting is just just plain words, the Yetzer Horah makes us believe that the dirtiness of our conversations with an unknown person is what we are really after, but ask yourself after the chatting is done, what else is there thats left. It doesn't do anything to us. It makes us feel dirty; hence dirty talking! Take 7UP advice and read those handbooks, especially the GUE attitude guide and read part 12 : True fulfillment vs. false fulfillment. The YH is ensnaring us with false fulfillment.

You wrote that you feel dislike towards getting an Aliyah and its understandable, but, its not the Aliyah that you hate, but the negative feelings you and I receive after doing something contrary to Hashem's Will and then accepting the Yoke of Heaven with the Aliyah. Let me tell you this, the Aliyah is a different mitzvah then your present challenge. Differenciate between the two mitzvahs: Guarding your eyes/personal holiness and Aliyah. Think of the present and think of each mitzvah as specially gold coin in your heavenly bank account. Remember that Hashem has placed us here on this wonderful forum/site and allowed us to interact with these great holy people for a reason - to better ourselves in Avodas Hashem. Take small steps, build your emunah and always be joyful.

PS:

Have you ever ask your wife to talk dirty to you, like what you want from those chatting sites. This may not be the greatest option because its a short time fix, but to some it rekindles their love life. Better, I suggest you try to place all the effort you use in chatting on those sites with praising your wife and whispers kind sweet words in her ear, make her your queen and see what she does in return. I read an interesting article on Chabad.org that dealt with buying jewelry for ones wife, which by the way, is a huge huge merit and blessing. But a key thing I learned from the article is that there are two "female" Shechinahs that men have to obey: The wife's i.e Women shechinah and Hashem's Shechinah.

Here is a link to Lazer Brody's website where Rabbi Brody posted a letter that someone wrote to him of his personal and legal troubles that stemmed from his cyber addiction which started out through chatting. The post is called "Ralph's story". The content, in terms of the persons consequences my seem scary, and my intent is not to scare you but to show you that chatting can have far-reaching effects on ones life. 

lazerbrody.typepad.com/lazer_beams/kedusha/


And here is the link the Chabad.org article, entitled: " Do I Have To Buy My Wife Jewelry?"

www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/965909/jewish/Do-I-Have-To-Buy-My-Wife-Jewelry.htm


We are with you all the way, JoeShmo.

Giant Leap.

actually Im not chatting.....people put pics of themselves and what they are looking for...sometimes I do get an IM and we do talk but mainly its e-mailing...I have no idea why this is becoming an addiction but I really appreciate this site and all of you . Im not gay but it seems like I like to look at the cross dressors..I feel so embarrased for even writting it...I feel like I let HaShem down...Im going to try so hard to quit this sinful habbit..with HaShem and this site I will be victorious..I feel bad when I put on Tefillin and Talit Katan..Im not worthy...Thanks

Sholem Aleichim my man,

Welcome to a life changing site!

It's a long battle that you're fighting but you can only conquer the y"h one step at a time. The first step was reaching out for help and connecting to others that are fighting similiar battles. Mazal tov for getting that far and it will be only up hill from here iy"H. There may be some unfortunate detours along the way but it'll only help you fully reach your goal.

One key idea to remember is that your comments of you "not (being) worthy" and your depressed feelings when you get an aliyah: that is you yetzer hara speaking. Believe me I know exactly how it feels and I had the same depressed feelings but I soon realized the y"h wants me to be down. He wants me to feel like I'm a good for nothing individual because thats the only way that he will continue to succeed. He is convincing you that you are not worthy of changing by making you think that youre a low-life. But this could not be any farther from the truth. You're one of Hashems precious gems. There are tons of people on this site who don't even know you but love you just for that. It is your avodah to serve Hashem b'simcha. The only way to beat the y"h is to be b'simcha. Tomorrow morning close your eyes and smile before putting on your tallis and tefillin for Hashem gave you another day, another chance. By the next aliyah you get show Hashem how thankful and joyful you are for letting you try again.  Keep your head up high champ and WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!

Keep davening,
GZ

Gam Zu and to all of you...THANKS!!! I needed that...Lilah Tov

My 1st day clean and it feels good...Already this site has helped me..May HaShem bless all of you Tzadakim

Awesome...Keep it coming, Tzaddik!!!

joeshmo wrote on 20 Oct 2009 23:36:


Day 2 feels even better.....and 90 is outa this world!
Chazak v'ematz

KUTGW!

Your right..2 days is better..Baruch HaShem!! I bought new Tzitzit and I feel strong..I know Im going to be tempted but I plan to utilize my energy to Torah study...Im going to try..the feeling after talking dirty and viewing bad images is something I can't keep going thru..its really draining me of life...Thank you all for your stories..they give us all strength..Some of the things I read here I can't believe ...I mean the  wisdom of some people here is just out standing..Thanks

How do I keep track of my days here on the wall??  I did fill out something and sent it in..Thanks.

Hello..am I still pluged in??? can anyone see what Im writing?  testing..testing.. maybe they pulled the plug on me??

Check the email you provided to sign up for this site there should be instructions there to log into the wall.