So what can you do next time when you're in a similar situation, to avoid the same issues?

I can learn what gives me the "urge" to go into these forums. Having money worries doesn't help either..but really no euse is an excuse now is it..we are made with one part dirt and the breath of HaShem..Good and bad...its a constant battle if your a man in this modern world..I pray to be able to control my "Dirt" part soon Good Shabbos.

Have a great shabbos JS. Wishing you all the best!!

I know for myself that part of what drew me was that at any time, I could have a feeling like I was connecting with someone, making them happy, pleasuring them...and have them return the favor. I think that for me, it came from a neediness, and a lack of focus on moving my own life forward.

Have a great shabbos!

I broused yet again this morning and now as usual I fill like crap..One day maybe I'll learn, but by then I'll be divorced and n skid row most likely..Im so hard headed...Im tired of praying, tired of asking Hashem to forgive me..Im tired of living a lie...I want to be a good Jew...maybe its not in my cards..

Reb Joe, I can't pretend to understand what you're going through. I've dealt with similar issues (as you saw if you read my thread), but I'm not you, and I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.

However, don't for a second think that you can't do that - that's the yetzer ora speaking, for two major reasons: 1) the y'h likes us to feel bad, because then we're more likely to keep falling; and 2) The y'h wants you to think "oh, I can't do it," so you'll feel justified in falling again!

Don't give in! The time for realizing how rotten these aveiros are, is before you fall. After you fall, you need to focus on moving forward, not focusing on the aveirah. The y'h's job is to get us to do the exact opposite.

OK, so we know that stress makes you more likely to seek out this outlet. You need to PLAN, to have a plan in your mind for the next time you feel the urge.

Do you have a filter?

"silent" I really don't surf the web for porn sites, I just go to c----list..Thanks so much for your words of hope..I am having money problems..I am about to loose my credit and Im stressed out..Im not going to give up..I love Hashem and my wife..Thanks

Maybe just maybe we need to start realizing that davining to hashem and learning better is not the solution. We need to look for the solution. What is that?? We need to change. Start with the handbooks. maybe join one of the phone groups. But something has to be different.

Sorry if i came across harsh my friend, but i only have your best interest in mind!

Hatzlacha and wishing you the best!

reb joeshmo, have you considered joining SA groups?

This was in a recent Chizuk e-mail:

The First Guy I Couldn't Con

Yosef Shares:

One of the SA guys here on GYE, schlepped me out of the sewer and sent me to the first person I've ever known that I couldn't con. I had the merit to talk on the phone with Harvey, one of the founding fathers of SA (he's an old guy today). Talking to Harvey was seeing myself for the first time. He forced me to realize the truth about my condition and how my own thinking about how to get out of it was bound to destroy me. He saw through my soft spoken arrogance, denial, and self-will. I could not see it myself because the poison had already reached too deep into my way of thinking. He exposed years of my self-delusional thinking for what it is. He needed to beat me down mercilessly, turning all my "lumdish" thinking back against me. And after he knocked me out and I  couldn't do anything except lie there praying to be spared, He lifted me up with more love and encouragement than I ever felt in my life. I have now attended seven SA meetings - I cannot describe his joy. His joy (for me) is teaching me how I can feel joy for me. It's the human element for which there is just no substitute.

My heart goes out to a guy who shared tonight in the SA group. He just lost a great job because they caught him having phone-sex at work; his wife left him; he is losing his house; he is still be investigated for something else (unspecified). He has also just started meetings and feels so grateful to have meetings to come to. He is also grateful for his new job as a security guard (even though it is far less than what he used to have).  He was so thankful for the little heater they gave him, that kept him warm in his booth all night long. He is about as alone in the world as a person can be. He has hit bottom. Most of the guys in tonight's group have hit bottom. We all felt his pain, his loneliness - and our own. Something special, magical and indescribable was shared between all of us tonight. I don't think I'll see these guys again because I am moving soon, but I hope I never forget the experience.

joeshmo wrote on 28 Jan 2010 21:35:

Dear Joeshmo -
Hi. I have read through a good bit of your recent posts and see that you are really struggling valiantly. The themes that keep coming up are that you talk to Hashem, love Him, want so much to depend on him, and expect Him to actually help you stay clean. It is clear that you are bothered by the things you sometimes choose to do. The quote above sounds quite sad. I have said the same thing to myself and to others many times in the past as well, and I do believe that you think you are truly sincere. You are honest (as you stated above), admitting whenever you "fall". Of course, it is relatively easy to be honest in a 'virtual' venue like this - hurts the pride a bit, yes, but still rather easy. No one sees you.
You seem to feel that though you may be a failing, perhaps poor eved Hashem, you are at least still definitely an eved Hashem and assume that you will one day get better! I relate completely with those feelings.

Nevertheless, I have no sympathy for you, even though I love you. Chazal teach me not to have sympathy, it's not my idea... Please allow me to explain why I feel this way about you, and why I hope that sharing this with you may actually be helpful:

I am an addict. I am totally unable to stay clean. I use schmutz and lust, as you do, and have "special interests", as you do. Lust can easily take over my attention and my mind because to me it is a drug - it intoxicates me. With it, I can easily escape for a while into a fantasy world and feel powerful and free. I wake up shell-shocked, dirty and weak, of course, but what other tools for coping with the bothers of life do I possess? Not many, by nature, even though I was (and still am) a frum yid who learned Torah, davened, cared about, learned and even taught mussar, etc. A bit of a fake, no?
Nevertheless, I am sober today for over twelve years. You can look up my story on this site somewhere. How is this possible? Am I showing off?

Well, the answer is in many of your posts: it's all due to a relationship with Hashem that recovery is helping me achieve and maintain day by day even though I'm very imperfect. And at the same time, recovery helps me get a clear view of me. After all, it's hard to get and maintain a useful relationship with a big liar or with a person you can't really see. I was both. I need other people to help me with these things. I need Hashem to help me with them because the work was impossible.

But I don't get the help just because I want it or ask for it. It requires me to do something. This is olam ha'asiyah. Period.

You do not seem to be lacking in emunah. But so far, every time someone posted a suggestion to you - a concrete suggestion - you responded with sweet answers like "Yes, I am putting my hope and trust in Hashem that He help me with this." Very nice. But is that faith? Is faith about doing nothing but "trying harder", as you mention above? Is that "trusting"? Is trust something you have - or is it something you do?

I think you are describing neither trust, nor hope. I call what you are doing, "wishing". Nothing more than wishing real hard. 
Faith - bitachon - is what Hashem wants us to use to gain the courage to do what is necessary to live as Yiddishe mentchen.
Promises and hopes mean nothing to your wife and kids. They want you to be better. I do not mean to insult you at all c"v. I am just sharing with you what was shared with me. And Hashem helped me.
He's powerful. He loves you. And He can do far better for you than help you "hope" - if you just start taking the actions necessary to actually stop and get better. My wish for you is progress in the direction you started by joining GYE, to drop the shame, and to take whatever actions needed for you to get better. It all depends on what you want. To keep looking like you want to get better, or: to start getting better.

If you continue wishing and hoping without taking and progressing in real action, I would suggest that it just proves that you do not really want to get better.
And I may be the very last person to look down on you for being scared to death of actually quitting and staying quit. Hey - I'm an addict. I haven't forgotten what it's like to be tied to lust. And I remember mastering the art of acting like I'm moving to recovery while actually running fast in the opposite direction.
And that, Joeshmo, is why I love you.

Wishing you all the chizzuk in the world,
- Dov

Thanks once again for the words of wisdom..I agree..but right now Im to worried about money...I'll be living under a bridge If something don't happen soon. My problem has to be put on hold rght now...but thanks

I don't no how to PM..and  like I said right now i have alot of financial debt and the first thing to go is this computer...so I guess that will be a good "Filter"   I don't have time to think about my problems today...only how to get out of this mess...and you know what?? I know HaShem isn't going to help me do anything..he never has so why start now...thanks.

Dear Joeshmoe, money woes are from the most painful that a man can experience. The complete lack of knowing "what will be, oh WHAT WILL BE" can be "mavir a person al da'ato" - (make him go crazy). I deeply sympathize with you and wish there was some way we could help you here. All I can suggest is a deep, long talk with Hashem, and then DO...

Oh, and also to read the book "Garden of Emunah" by Rav Shalom Arush. With strong Emunah, you will see miracles!!

-------------------------------

Dov, your brilliant and searingly honest post may have been "lost" on our sweet friend, but it hasn't been lost to me. And I will see to it that it goes down as a "classic" for generations!  

Uh oh, my Dovaholic addiction is feeling overwhelming today again. Someone help me!

Hashem gives us the strength to do what we do - but he doesn't make us do what we don't choose to do.

If the pressure in other areas forces you to leave your problem, then you can think of it as saving your life. Really.

Plus, staying away from your problem will make you calmer, happier, and better able to deal with everything else in life in a more positive way.

Getting rid of your computer is a good filter. Just make sure that you do positive things to fill that space.

We're all wishing you the best.

By the way - every PM has a "reply" option, if you click on it, you can reply...or you can email me (click on my name for my profile, which includes my email address).

I saw this article in the News today, joeshmoe, and I thought it must have been put there just for you!