feelings for her?
or desire in general?

i find that most times im thinking about all the assur things we did together, and how much i miss it. yea i know, its the yetzer harah. but i dont want to think about how great it felt, even though it wasnt great right after.

i also have feelings for her. but mostly, the feelings are for lust. as i said before, its not her, its the feelings she gave me. well mostly, anyway. i just wanna move on. i did what i had to do. where does hashems help become apparent?

you're asking when you start seeing Hashem's hugs
my answer: when you look for them
lets see- finding GYE is a great hug


I'm not qualified to answer when it gets easier, considering that my longest clean streak lately has been 32 days.
but i do know that when you work on getting rid of your lust, not just stopping acting out, it should get easier.

how do you get rid of lust?
work the 12 steps

Please see Chizuk e-mail #233 on this page (scroll down)

strivingfortruth wrote on 28 Oct 2009 03:05:


You have reason to feel proud that you have dropped communication to only once a week.
BUt the truth is, you havent severed anything.
You are still emotionally tied to her
and that neediness WILL NOT GO AWAY  until you cut the cord totally.
Sorry if it sounds coldhearted,
but been there, done that.

i know im supposed to fuly break it off, but im not ready. i wasnt ready for this move either, and it took me time to make the move.
so now here i am. waiting for my next move. i understand im supposed to make it a clean break but as of now i dont want to. im hoping the feelings will go away at least a little. again, its lonely feelings, not so much feelings for her. does this make a difference?

thanks
striving

Striving

There is no denying that your interaction with her filled a physical and emptional need for you, and that you enjoyed it. That's human nature and you can't change that.

At the same time it was also spiritually a zero if not torturous.

That is why you stopped. Coming to the spiritual realization that what you were doing was wrong and having the strength and maturity to stop, doesn't change the fact that you enjoyed the past.

That is probably the hardest thing to reconcile in this area.  We say how much we want to stop and we daven to Hashem to help us stop, and yet when we fall we enjoy every moment (on a very base level) of it.

Getting over a relationship takes time.  More time then 2 weeks.  It takes a very long time for feelings to fade, but they do. And I can't sugar coat it for you by saying it will not be a big deal.

It's tough.
It's rotten.
It's lonely

It's worth it.

So be proud of what you've done so far.  Keep up the good work. Stay tough, and

Keep on trucking...

thanks for the chizuk.

OK, so heres what my yetzer hara has been thinking (or making me think about) today:
i would appreciate if you guys could respond to this, so i better understand how to react to this claim of the yetzer hara

what would be so bad, if we continued dating, and we were not shomer? so what? id still be a frum jew, but id have just this one issue, just like all the people out there have issues. why couldnt this be my issue?
eventually, when we got engaged (if that happened) we would stop. but untill then, why couldnt i just work through. its not as if im a perfect person without her. this would have just been on the list, and anyway id fix it as time went on. and lts say i didnt fix it. would it be so bad if i married her? so what, we would still get married. would it really ruin everything? how could that even be?

...so thats what going through my mind.
please help!! its really getting to me...im drowning again!!

anybody home?
i can really use some help here...im going backwards again 

i wish someone smarter than me were around, but alas, the forum is quite dead at the moment.
ok
so basically, you realized you were addicted to lust, right?
and then you decided to tackle the issue, basically broke it off with the girl, only you left yourself an escape route just in case you got tired of fighting the YH.
so what does the YH do?
he tells you that he doesn't exist.
it's all in your head.
you're not an addict. go ahead, do what feels good. it's fun to have a girlfriend, and hey, maybe one day you'll marry her, so really retroactively it's nto even a cheit!

WRONG!!!
why do you want her now?

because you feel comfortable around her. you feel good.
isn't it nice to have ppl know that you have a girlfriend? i mean, doesn't that prove to the world that you're worthwhile?
thing is, you realize that what you want is't right. that's why you're even posting.
for you to use this girl, no matter for what, is wrong.
and besides for that, you are an addict! you'll never be satisfied with a little lusting. that's why you're here, to get rid of the lust. that's why i'm here too, in fact.
did this help even a little?
and if it made it worse, please tell me that too.

habibi-

it certainly did not make me feel worse. so thanks for the support.

the thing is, i dont have an escape route. i cant call her. also, i dont care about people knowing. i didnt feel like iw as using her bc i had feelings for her and she had feelings for me too.

the fact is, you are right in the fact that i was addicted to the lust. yes i know i got carried away. but at the end  of the day she is happy with someone else )or maybe not who knows) and im sitting here trying to figure out how not too get tied up in this. i just want to know how im supposed to convince myself i dont need her in my life. im a very very busy guy. i have so much school work and tests on my head. and yet, its still not enough to get my mind off of it. there has to be something more. it cant just be time. at least, i really hope it cant.

just habib please, not habibi
sorry i was so off the mark before
i think it's really just comfort.
maybe i'm wrong.
but especially for busy people who have tons to do and no time to breathe, having something to fall back on when your stressed is imposrtant.
and she made you feel good. it was mutual, ok.
so right now, when she's happy with someone else, you're still missing her.
maybe cuz you're missing the closeness?

really the only thing i can suggest is the twelve steps

it alright, i appreciate the help.

i guess its a time issue. maybe ill try the 12 steps. im hoping things will just come together in the next few weeks

So sorry we werent here for you yesterday.
Habib is amazing though, so you got the best.

You cant replace an  emotional need with school work! Unless you adore tests!
Emotional emptiness and neediness needs to be filled with emotional fullness, not just "busy".

Filling your need with a  physical relationship is like feeding sugar cookies to a diabetic all day, or peanut butter to soemone allergic to peanuts.
How do you think you can heal while holding onto the very poison which is making you sick?

I agree that in many ways, you are just using this girl to fill your basic desires physically and emotionally.
A healthy relationship means GIVING NOT TAKING.

Try fill the emptiness by GIVING and then you will experience real freedom and self esteem.

that makes a lot of sense. i understand what i was using her for, i know what was wrong.

i signed up to volunteer for the elderly. i hope this does the trick. i have always loved to give. somehow,after all this discussion i feel like its mostly a time based issue. maybe there are not any secret cures. well just have to wait and see i guess. i just cant stand all the times i randomly wonder about what could have been. thats what hurts the most. those thoughts.