Hi-
this is my first time posting. i am a little nervous as to how this may go. Needles to say i have no idea what to expect, but i need help.

I was in a modern orthodox yeshiah high school, all boys. i messed up with porn pretyt frequently, and i was involved int he usual high school activities. namely, basketball, girls and the like.

I went to Yeshivah in Isreael after high school. everything was unreal i grew a tremendous amount. i was clan for about a year an a half! i felt like no one can ever stop me. i was beyond all the troubles left behind. i did not think i would ever have to look back.

when i got back to America, i started college. the first few months went pretty well. i tripped up here and there but nothing consistent. i still felt like i was growing for the most part. granted, not as much as before. but that was expected

then the summer rolled around. i met a girl and we started dating. we were shomer. things esccalated and we slipped up with with being shomer. this went on for 2 months. finally, i decided i wanted to move on and be alone, because i wanted to grow again. i felt like she was holding me back. we had other reasons to break up, like school, but the main reason was because i wanted to get back to the place i was befpre. we both felt this was true for both of us.

after e broke up, we still spoke. i felt fine. i was growing. then a few weeks later, something happened and we cut each other out of our lives. this just happened.

i feel terrible. this is hat i wanted the whole time, yet now that i have it, i feel liek garbage. i feel like i dont want this. i dont want to continue on this teshuva path anymore. i dont feel inspired. this is what i wanted, but now i dont want this to be the realty.

how do cope with this issue? i cant focus on anything anymore and i feel like i might mess up because im feeling depressed. plese help

thank you
hope to hear from you soon

Hey strivingfortruth,

Looks like we have very similar backgrounds so i know what youre going through. Life is about getting closer to hakadosh baruch hu, nothing else. If something is stopping that we must realize the issue at hand and figure out what is best for our neshama. I commend ypur bravery on this issue because its very hard to make the decision that you chose. If you want to talk email or IM me at Yiddle2@gmail.com

all the best

-INH

thanks for the kind and supporting words

deep down, i know the only reason im feeling this way is because i feel empty and alone. im not sure how to overcome that. again. i told myself i wanted this. i have to find a way to finish

strivingfortruth wrote on 18 Oct 2009 17:59:



you have quite the deep line over there,my friend.
my story is quite similiar to yours,down to some specific details even.
you have taken the biggest step foward-reaching out for help.
of course you still feel like c***.why would that just change just like that??

Many of us who struggle with these issues feel empty and alone.
We have a stronger than usual need to be loved and accepted.
This is a place of love and acceptance.
But the secret of it all is to love and accept yourself.
Keep posting and sharing.You'll be impressed with what comes out

Hatzlacha rabba!--

hey guys-
thanks for the comments so far.
the thing is, this is not what i need. while i appreciate the support, i need concrete solutions to help me get past this. i need to convince myself this is what the truth is, and this what im supposed to be doing. i dont want to feel this empty and alone. i want to go back to feeling great, without a girl in my life. what am i supposed to do?

could someone help this holy yid out?

we need to dig him out of the hole!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

yes!!! pleasee!!!!! i need help

I don't know if i'm the right one to answer this, and if anyone else older and wiser shows up, i will respectfully back away.
but really, what I think everyone was trying to say was that we all feel that hole inside of us. and we all filled it with inappropriate websites, behavior, etc.
but we have to understand that all those were a temporary solution. they helped for a min or two, and then the pleasure went away, and we were faced with depression over our lack of self control, our inability to keep our promises, etc.
and this was an endless cycle.
I really commend you on staying clean for so long in the past. it's an amazing accomplishment. but it didn't last. and so now you have to start over, from day one. thing is, this time you have a secret weapon. you have the experience of so so many amazing people who have fought their yetzer and won, and they no longer feel that great big hole inside themselves. and you are fighting with so many other heilege yidden.

your relationship with the girl- you yourself said it was hampering your avodas Hashem. was she a real solution, the thing that would help you to grow? no. she was just an object, used for your lust (k, that sounds blunt. sorry. there was probably a little more to it than that). and now that you are trying your hardest to break away from her, your YH is working major overtime to make you depressed, to make you miss the fake love you shared. (he's a tricky little devil )
so striving, when your YH tells you you're garbage, look him in the face and tell him that that trick isn't going to work anymore. and keep posting. we all want to hear how you feel, how your fight is going.
and we're here for you, 24/6
sometimes when you write, you realize how stupid the YH really is.
more important than anything else, though, is to let go and let G-d. still haven't gotten the hang of that myself, but basically, realize that Hashem is on your side. He's rooting for you to win, to bring Him nachas, and to make this world a better place. and when we feel our yetzer creeping up on us, we have to realize that Hashem is in charge. so we let go. and we let Hashem fight for us. (R' Dov, you're the expert on that, maybe you could help me out a little here?)

also try to take a look at this page
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ.asp
there are a lot of "concrete" answers about how what you are doing is the right thing.

wow i can not tell you how much that helped me! thank you so so much! i feel like i just want to break down in tears and beg hashem  to take me back like a little boy begging his father for candy
truth is, writing on this blog is a great solution to making your yetzer hara look silly

heres the update:
today, in school, i got NOTHING DONE. i mean close to zero. she texted me today a few times and i answered back every time then again a few minutes ago she texted me and i told myself i will hold back for only ten minutes. and i did! then i texted her back and i told her i have to go study, and i feel like i can finally sit down after a whole day

i know this sounds petty and childish but i think i accomplished something today after feeling so much faluire. i need to keep wining these small battles

thanks again for the kind words! they mean s much! i will keep posting IY"h and may we allget through our troubles together
-striving

anytime, anytime
and what you accomplished today is very very big.
pushing her off, again and again, is a big step.
but maybe it's time to tell her that you need more space. like no texting, no calling, no chatting space.
because it is very hard to say not right now 200 times in a row.
hatzlacha rabba!!
and if you want to check out some other people's threads, you may find a lot of chizzuk
Uri, above, mentioned that you have a lot of similar nisyonos.

Welcome, Striving!  You've definitely come to the right place!

I am confident that, b'Ezras Hashem, you will not be lonely for the long term.  By working on these issues now, you are preparing yourself to be the best husband and father that you can be. 

(One tip: I suggest that, for the short term, you turn off texting, unless you have a very compelling need for it).

ok habibi here is the update:

after what happened before she chated me on google. she needed help with the issue that broke us up in the first place. me being the soft idiot, helped her. we spoke for about a half hour. i feel like my thunder diminished a little bit. for the most part though, im ready to wake up tomorow and start this new journey without her

here is my issue: where do i go from here?
do i cut her off completely knowing eventually well just talk again? or do i take things one step at a time? such as limiting phone calls, text messages, etc

thanks again
-striving

Shalom Aleichim my man,

I'm not as experienced as the senior and hero members and I am just a newbie like yourself; but, I was in a very similar situation. So I am going to attempt to assist here. I grew up in a similar environment and b"H gained a lot in e"y. I had a gf thru high school and although we broke up in e"Y we got back together when we came home. Eventually we pushed our yetzer aside and called it quits. I was gone, devastated, broken, empty, alone .... however you want to call it - I was very depressed. I'm not sure how long you were with her but I was for a number of years and there was that sense of void & emptiness that was felt immediately. Everything I was doing or seeing was reminding me of times we spent together. But that void was filled and that brokenness was healed. The emes is time really took care of it all and as we got farther along from separating things got much easier and I was able to focus on my life. I let my learning take her place in my life, I chilled more with friends, played ball and just let other activities take her place. Unfortunately here I am fighting a different battle but regarding my gf - time healed the pain and b"H i went on to meet my eishes chayil.
In short...if you let her out let something or someone else in: if you learn 1 seder try to learn 2, if you enjoy playing ball push yourself to play more often, or hang out with friends at least once a week, or let this forum be your new thing. Either way you gotta find a new outlet and time (& HKB"H obviously) will take care of it from there. Hatzlacha and WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!

keep striving,
GZ

Striving,
I think im gonna really like you and your thread.
I'm going through a similiar situation,and I've learned alot along the way.
You can email me anotheryid@gmail.com
In the meantime,,,
sssssllllllooooowwwww dddooowwwwnnnn
just chill,man

striving,

i dont know if i got a chance to welcome you here,
so WELCOME!!!

looks like you've been getting some good advice.
so, just gonna leave off with...
gut chodesh!

sturggle