I have carried around so much pain and secrets, secret thoughts/emotions/actions. I have such a compulsion to tell my whole life story to someone - I feel it would be so liberating for me.

When I was a student in university I would mast in the window on the 6th floor at night with the light shinning on my body. the office rooms in the builing across the street could see me and I would see the women workers looking over and leaving the room.
the next morning as I was putting on Tephillin. I heard security officers and police walking up the corridor to me students room - they knock on my door.... I hurried to take of my tephillin and stood there as I open the door facing the security guard and 2 police officers.. I can not remember the conversation but after that I fled I was due to fly to Israel on a univeristy elective. when I arrived I went to a baal teshuva yeshiva I remember the mashgiah inviting me in o get to know me (so nice ) He asked me directly "now do you manage .. do you mast. " I was so shocked -- how could this 60 yr old bearded rabbi know anything about mast??? I was so shock I said NO!.
I look back I lost so much he would have helped me and I could have avoided so much pain.

I received a letter saying that when I return home the deen on the school wanted to speak to me... I was broken I doven for 3 weeks with tears in my eyes I would have to face the deen . so shameful! so disgusting! I was almost the only Jew in the university and I wore a kipa!!!

The deen told me "I heard what happened.. you should know there are only 2 types of people in this world those that masturbate and those that lie!!)
.. just in the future do it where people can not see.

I lost the chance of getting Hadracha from the rosh yeshiva instead I was poisened by the hadracha of a goy!!

For him there wasn't even an option to obstain


Charlie

Im almost the only kippa wearing jid in the university, my zizith suround me for everyone to see as well.

I do this to better the image of my people, to do some kiddush hashem out there.

But when i'm alone i'm another beeing, prob. the lowest one of all students, cause i have a self conflict,

to be the "holy man " in front of others and the "dirty head " when i'm alone.

Pretending to be always busy studying when i'm with the family ("not able" to help my wife with the kids),
And spending hours searching for thriggers on the web (in a way my wife wont find out in the weekly internet report)

Shokkling in the tfilla as the greatest zaddik, thinking of the lust pics i've just seen

The Dean is wrong.
After more than 30 years of lusting and masturbating, I haven't masturbated for over 5 years, and there are men on this forum who have been sober from this for more than twice that number. I do find myself wanting to lust, and have learned to redirect myself and turn my lust over to Hashem.
Hatzlacha in getting your life together.
Alex

I think there is a big difference between an addict and a truly bad person. You're not a bad person. You obviously don't want to do what you're doing. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't look at yourself as a bad person or evil or anything like that. You are a good person who is addicted to masturbation/porn.
I'm still an addict too. But I have definitely come to understand that I don't want to hurt anyone and definitely don't want to masturbate to porn. I think it is important that we all understand that there is hope and that we must keep our heads high.

AlexEliezer wrote:


Alex. Don't you think you should post this more often?
I think GYE would be a better place if people like Alex keep popping up and telling newcomers: "After more than 30 years of lusting and masturbating, I haven't masturbated for over 5 years".
It's not gaava. Posts like yours can truly help people.

LATELY THERE'S BIN SO MUCH PHILA-SUFFOZIZING THAT IT'S SUFFOCATING
PEOPLE ARE DISCUSSING SICK-OLOJEE AND FILL-ASOFFY
AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT
IT'S INCREDIBLY REFRESHING WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE SAY

I WAS DIRTY
LIKE YOU
YOU CAN BE CLEAN
LIKE ME

my two sense

tz....I think I remember hearin' such words on a recent phonecall

cut out all the thinkin'

others call it jdi

and since you asked for it.....I was dirty for 30 plus @#$%in' years
I have been clean for 150 days
I have been in recovery mode for almost a year with 2 falls in the middle.

b'hatzlachah

It's important to realize that anyone can fall. No matter how long his clean streak may be, the yetzer hara is still out there waiting for us to let down our guard. Right now I've been clean for nearly 3 weeks! I'm so proud of myself, but I'm also scared. I don't want to fall ever again, but what if the yetzer hara sends me a really hard nisayon? The fight will continue for the rest of our lives, but right now we have to focus on the here and now. Only worry about today's test, not about tomorrow's. We're all in this together. Thanks to you all for all of your chizzuk, and great ideas that you've posted.

shomer bro wrote:


No doubt.
I'm never more than a few internet pics from a crash.
Or a few good views of a babe on the street.
Or letting a fantasy take over my mind.
I must keep reminding myself that it's not safe to do these things.
One day at a time.