Welcome back! Try this approach-it has helped me so far-anyone who rides mass transit in NY can tell you of the need to have a glass face so that nothing interrupts that ride either to and from work. Such an attitude can help, especially on the streets of NY where femine attire is governed by two rules-dress like it is a day at the beach, and "less is more."

Pidaini wrote:


Thanks for you response. I disagree, The thoughts are something I have to learn to control, all the seforim talk about it. We need to train our minds to not think these types of lustfull thoughts. I enjoy the thoughts I find myself watching whole scenes in my head, its an escape. I can't just let it slide. I have to work on it. Perhaps the only way of dealing with them is to live a "real" life, while they are there. I don't know. But I do know that somehow I have to get rid of them.

You ask "why do I want to stop"? I want to stop because I know that it is wrong. I know its not what hashem wants me to do. I know I love my wife and want to only think of her and I never want to have to think of another women. I want to stop, becsause I don't want to betray my wife's trust (which I have been doing for too long.) I want to stop because when I'm not in the P mode, I feel better about myself and I'm more productive. I can keep going. In fact there is no reason to continue to act out other then the crazy uncontrollable urge that attacks me the moment I am tired, hungry, upset, stressed, or anyother way weak. So the question is not "why" do I want to stop but rather how the hell am i going to.


Pidaini wrote:


I don't know. I'm going to bed its been 2 whole days and so far i've been very tempted and had thoughts all day. But I've stayed clean. I guess I'll keep on truckin' or whatever you say.

plonialmoni11 wrote:


You really scared me there for a moment . I thought we were getting into a disagreement, phew.

We said the same exact thing as you wrote "Perhaps the only way of dealing with them is to live a "real" life, while they are there." That is exactly what I was saying, and that is what the seforim say as well, they say that we are not supposed to delve in the thoughts, they do not say that they are not supposed to cross our minds (you could PM for mekoros, there is one place I know that it says that clearly).

plonialmoni11 wrote:


Let me ask you though, the goyim of SA feel the same way, that they need to stop, and they aren't necessarily worried about Torah, so what is the feeling really?

I learned, and have heard it from DC and Dov as well, that my ego does not enjoy the fact that "there is no reason to continue to act out other then the crazy uncontrollable urge that attacks me the moment I am tired, hungry, upset, stressed, or anyother way weak." there is something inside of me that I cannot control?! that is controlling me?!

As Dov says, let's be real with ourselves, we are human,and that's how Hashem wants us.

plonialmoni11 wrote:


Have you opened up to anybody?

Pidaini wrote:


No, except for you guys ..And I guess it wasn't enough because I just fell again

and for no reason too, I had a great shabbos, pretty clean of thoughts, was with my wife so there was no build up. I decided i wasn't going to fall (ha!) and my wife went out for an hour and I had work to do. While I was doing my work a news site ( a tiny little picture on the side of the screen) popped up and bam, you know the story one thing led to the next and boom, I wasted my night, didn't get my work done and fell. I feel like crap.

I've got to buckle down. maybe 12 steps is the answer I don't know... I feel hopeless.

plonialmoni11


There are two ways the One Day At A Time attitude are used.

1:
"You want to fall? Ok, no problem, but not today. You can fall tomorrow."

2:
"Right now, I am living to make this day the best day possible. Today I am staying clean, so thoughts - I'm not entertaining you right now, goodbye! Will I fall tomorrow? I don't know and I don't care. Tomorrow, I'll deal with tomorrow.

Approach #1 does not work for an addict, for then, they will spend that day fantasizing and anticipating the fall they will have tomorrow. That is called white-knuckling, holding on by the strength of their fingertips.

Approach #2 is living in the moment. Yes, I have the desire, but right now, I need to make the right decision right now. This stuff isn't good for me, so I must say no and get on with my life. Today, I am clean.

Do you see the difference?

skeptical wrote:


I don't know if im officially an addict or not, but I do know that I have tried both of those methods and man it is easier said then done. I have an easier time when it comes to MZ then P. When its just a temptation to be mz I can push it off, I can withhold myself, but when I'm in front of a computer its like autopilot, its not even a temptation it just is, and it drives me nuts!

You guys are inspiring me I'm going to get a better filter today and not have the password. If I don't post that its done by tomorrow someone please yell at me.

Thanks

Based on what you wrote, I don't think it should make a difference to you if you are an addict or not, you need help!! No?

if you've tried everything and it hasn't helped then there is no harm in delving into the 12 steps (as per Rabbi Dr Twerski). It's your life, nobody elses!!!

Maybe opening up is a good idea though, I don't htink anyone here has ever regretted doing that.

Are you able to access the chat on this site? it's a great way to get to know people and little chats can turn into life changing relationships!!

Whatever you end up doing, stick around, KOMT and KOP!!!

P.S. Is that filter on yet?

I'm going to keep trying.. I tried to get the VCF filter but it didn't work for some reason. I had my wife change her webchaver password so thats good, as of now i can't access po**, however news sites and youtube are still open, though I haven't used them yet. I will bli neder try to get a better filter system...

I noticed something, now that P is not so easly accessible, my desires for it have gone down (at least for now). However my desire for MZL is still there very strong. (in fact I fell today in that arena).

The problem I have, is that P I find disgusting, I don't like it its wrong and damaging. However I don't feel the same about masturbation, If I wasn't a frum yid I still would try to stop porn but I wouldn't try to stop MZ, its a quick easy release that doesn't harm anyone and in fact just makes me want my wife even more... What does the oilim think? I know i'm off and hashem said its assur so thats why im trying to stop, but its only because of my fear and (hopefully) my love of Hashem that I'm trying to stop. And I think thats making it harder..

Thanks for all your support

I don't know if I represent the oilem, but I think that MOITZEEEE ZERA is a BIG aveira!

And I also think that it never made any difference to me. I also thought that I wanted to stop because of my love for HaShem. Today i know that all i wanted was to be able to do it without feeling guilty.

I am part of the club that thought i wanted to stop because of Hashem, and that is certainly what pushed me to do it at such an early stage in my "addiction".

BUT, fact is that we don't like something we can't control, and when we jsut try stopping, for whatever reason, and find that we can't, then we want to stop because we are supposed to be free people, not chained to my desire to masturbate.

So it may be that I tried stopping a few times for Hashem, but after those few times, it was for my own freedom!!

hi, you should read the white book. here is one quote
Like alcoholics, we can be
"dry" without being sober in a deeper sense.

Hey, I just joined a face-to-face group after 40 years of isolation, and I feel a shift. It is new, I am only 12 days sober, but it seems to help. Maybe that is a route for you to try.

By no means am I suggesting that this works for everyone, but since I saw a therapist, my wife confronted me and I joined this wonderful chevra, I have been clean for 141 days, without a filter or software monitoring. It is not easy, but I am determined never to allow the false substitutes of porn and masturbation impact on my life again. I will add this comment-I can testiofy thatmasturbation and porn are a vicious cycle. You never can read or see enoough shmutz to satisfy your desire, and you are always thinking of whebn and where you can msturbate.

The last 11 days I havent signed on once. I was clean the whole time I was so busy with work and I had simchas in my family. It was like lust never exsisted. I experienced freedom it was amazing. Today I had an hour in the house alone and someone left an unprotected smart device. I fell in 10 minutes. I feel like crap. i'm such a freakin loser its ridiculous! Do I have to do the whole 12 steps or can I do it partly? can I get a sponsor without doing the steps?

I am one sick guy.

I do need help.

Thanks all for your support!

perhaps, it would help if you just realize that Sakanta Chamur Meissura and just walk away from any such devices.