I've been telling myself lies for years which center around letting myself get turned on as long as I don't actually give in all the way.

"A look is okay, you just need to not touch, mikveh night is around the corner- do what you need to just to make it there"

"Feed the yetzer hara a little bit so it won't come attack at full hunger"

"Shema says don't go after your eyes, meaning don't dwell, but your eyes will go- it's natural and okay to peek, just don't dwell on it"

"It's just a video, not real life... it's just a picture, not video... it's just audio, not a picture... it's just text, not audio... it's just a thought, not real... etc."

I'm not saying for anyone else, who knows, but for myself- I can see that the key to this for me is calling the above ideas out on what they are. Harmful justifications, even if there's some truth to them, they are damaging and Wrong with a capital W.

And I'm tired of it. All those things do is make this harder. The 90 day plan is a real chiddush for me, in that it considers any of that- when intentional, a fall. That is new to me and quite a powerful concept.

Thank you for putting this site together. Baruch Hashem.

There is a famous or hachayim which basically says that one cannot succeeed unless he guards 2 things.

1) eyes
2) thoughts

If a person does not guard either one, he will not be successful.

That is even more true for one who has stumbled already.

The Ramba"m talks about (and I don't have the exact quote) how a person thinks as long as he didn't do anything, it's not so bad...

We need to internalize that these are danger zones and avoid them like the plague. "Eizehu chacham, haroeh es hanolad".

Thanks Gibbor, I really appreciate grounding this idea in Torah sources.

You know, it's funny, thinking about our Rabbinic heroes, even in our generation, and I wonder why they are so careful to take precautions like this. Are they not strong enough to control themselves like a gynecologist might, etc.?

But now I see- like you've pointed out with seeing the new moon, it's simply wise to consider the end game result and pros and cons. Why make it more difficult, put oneself in a place of safek when there's absolutely no necessity? Perhaps when there is a necessity, there's siyata diShmaya to make it easier, but when not- it's like relying on a miracle maybe.

This might be a bit extreme, but I honestly think it's true, whenever a man is able to resist his yetzer hara, it's mamash a miracle. Because by definition it means we're making that choice from a supernatural place, literally- beyond nature and hormones and primal instinct. And we have a Torah which says that we're not allowed to rely on miracles. So along with it being the wise thing to do for reasons of self-control, it seems to me it might be assur to put oneself in danger in that category of relying on a miracle...

Chashuv people tend to take more precautions, not less.

There's a chaza"l about a rebbi that said to his talmidim, make sure that I am not in yichud with my daughter. He was teaching them that we should not be embarrased about our weaknesses and we should take precautions.

Shouldn't we be embarrased about hilchos yichud? It means we are weak. I think the average American would think we're nuts...

Yet the average American is having an affair and getting divorced.

It's not embarrasing to be weak, it's embarrasing to be arrogant and think you are strong.