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The manifesto of a lust addict
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: The manifesto of a lust addict 842 Views

Re: The manifesto of a lust addict 29 Oct 2013 04:50 #222187

Hi airmale613
just thought I would add a bit of my own struggle - it might help you knowing that others were in sticky situations and eventually got thru them.
I remember how I dreaded returning home every shabbos from yeshiva, knowing that dozens of family magazines (and a hidden cache of dirty ones) literally littered the house. Every week I told myself I would do better, this time I wouldn't fall. I tried different tactics. I avoided certain rooms - but that didn't work so well. I tried to keep busy - it helped a bit. I wrote myself a diary of my efforts - it was a good exercise of my pen, but it didn't turn the tide. This went on for weeks and months. Here and there, I gleaned info. I found a few Hebrew texts which discussed this issue. A pamphlet dealing with the topic floated around the yeshiva. But they didn’t alter my behavior. I couldn’t just pick up a sefer and rid myself of desire or heal my affliction.
At one point I made it my "obligation" to learn a bit of mussar (I placed a copy of Chayei Olam of the Steipler in one room) specifically for the first ten-fifteen minutes I came home. It really helped. It wasn't foolproof, and there were times I succumbed to temptation later that evening, but it sparked a new beginning. It gave me hope. Yes, I could succeed. And b"h after many years of ups and downs Hashem helped me to overcome acting out.
The struggle goes on. The Yetzer Hara invents new ways to test us. To our dying day. No one can ever guarantee that we will overcome our next struggle. But our job is not to give up.
I remember when I first came to Israel someone told me (in Hebrew of course) - where there's a will, there's a way (hakol talui beratzon). Things don't get moving unless we want them to. We have to develop our will-power. If we can fan our will of wanting to stay pure into a burning desire - as great as the forbidden desire of temptation - we are on the right track.
I'm not saying that we can fight the YH and win him face to face. Like everyone here on GYE, I know that we need to remove any and all triggers from our surroundings as much as humanly possible. We try our best to avoid all confrontations with the YH. We need to constantly daven to Hashem for help. Without His help we are powerless. All the learning of mussar or Torah can't sway an addict when he is overcome with his obsession. We can't gloss over our issues by saying that if we would only learn enough Torah then...
But what I am saying is that when we are not faced head-on with temptation, nothing builds us like Torah does...
"You should love Hashem with all your heart..."
bechal levavecha, with your yetzer hatov and yetzer hara...
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