Dear friends,
Thank you first board to use google translation , so I can communicate and read your forum and finally feeling in the GYE community.
When I found you in late July , I had fallen lower than dirt . This was the first step in my gradual recovery.
I was like many of us . An addict , who nevertheless acknowledged to be, but that was no way to escape. The addiction had gone too far , too far, alas ... But I had confessed many things to my wife , tried umpteen attempts to stop, saw psychiatrists and therapists ... I felt that nothing could save me.
The first thing that helped me here is to find people who have experienced the same thing as me . I was not alone . Others did. It was not impossible.
I had the chance to go on vacation in Eretz , and I thought it was a good time to try the course of 90 days. I held the vacation time , or 21 days it was very hard , I was in the fight , my wife helped me , but it was a surprisingly sometimes more physical than moral limit the suffering unbearable. During this period, I had seen once porn pictures on the net. All flight back was a nightmare of bad thoughts.
This decline prompted me to contact GYEfrench , for a week , I talked with a valiant warrior GYE , which I admired the strength of character. But probably my YH is lurking near me to close me down, I left the conversation with him after a week in the name of false pretenses , including the fact that there was no group 12 stages in France . I wanted to fight by myself.
Double chance I had was that this period was the month of Elul , and my wife was with me during this struggle. I'm not practicing as you , dear warriors. But I engaged in selihot as ever, going there almost every day , increasing the prayers , things I never did . But I fell less than before, the desire was there, less powerful , I fell but was reporting me , knowing that I had no other choice. I installed filters everywhere, at work, at home, and decided not to watch TV , except for football ( concession YH ) .
The desire ebbed , but the YH was smart , even a filter can be bypassed especially on the iPad , there is no filter , you need a code removing internet , this code was done by my wife. But she sometimes forgot , and as I 'm insomniac nature, the night when I woke up and found the ipad insecure , I was falling more often. It was discouraging to the strength of my own will.
I decided to better read the emails HIzouk , Book of SA . At the same time , the Mussar Rav Dessler in Mikhtav Elihaou was my favorite book .
The specific GYE and all your great warriors concept gradually penetrated into my heart to be a man before being a Jew. I read this week in Lech Lecha , the comment that the great revelation What would Avraham Avinu took place in 99 years , why ? Because he had almost 100 years of life attained the perfection of what could be a man. He was ready to receive the command of Milah and become a Jew.
What lesson ! While I was trying to achieve moral improvement , how long was my way. Of course he had to persist in my teshuva , the fact of the synagogue to pray , to study, to strengthen me in full of mitzvot . But my basic work, the foundation of all this work was to be a man and leave these desires and animal behavior .
I hope to be on track. My wife told me that I change every day, and she likes my new version, 2.0 Pinhas, said it as a joke ...
So I start my journey of 90 days since yesterday, without struggle, letting me wear by Hashem (I read something fantastic Rav Dessler on it, I'll talk to the hand). I decided to try the adventure of the 12 steps that tries to implement in France. I am determined and resolved to become a man, and a good Jew.
Thank you friends, I hope to give you good news along my journey.
Warning: Spoiler!
