Make sure to take the experience from this forum, and not "personal" 

So, I have fallen. I suppose I subconsciously expected it to happen eventually and that's what made it happen. I guess I've got to fix that.

I'm quite disappointed with myself for not holding out, but what I did was done in a state of delirium. I didn't have the strength to fight back, and I didn't have the will to push it away. I'm going to accept the past as the past, and start fresh.

Day 2, going on 90!

Hatzlacha!  Your attitude is fantastic!

NotAlone wrote on 15 Oct 2009 02:18:


Not Alone, Im with Kedusha on this one!
Im really impressed.
I think Im going to start hanging out here more often.
I see I can learn a lot over here...

Well, I'm off to a rocky start. I couldn't get myself clean as fast as I hoped, but I feel that I'm back on track now.

I was sticking around here too often whenever I felt down, which made me dwell on my addiction. I think that contributed to my fall.

My current strategy is to avoid the addiction. Any time that I feel tempted, I just remember that I've quit, and that's that. I don't dwell on it, and I try to not even consider a fall.

As a parallel, I remember how I quit coffee for tea; any time I would see or smell coffee, I would be tempted to take a drink; "what's the harm?". The aroma was delicious, but I'd just pass it by, since I'd quit. I hope I can succeed with the same attitude here.

I'll log in here to track my progress, but I don't want to spend too much time here.

Is this the right way?

NotAlone wrote on 23 Oct 2009 19:48:


Whatever works for you.  I think I'm going to follow your example. 

Hi Not Alone,

I must say that you have a vast and intricate inner dialogue. :D

Your fighting this addiction at an early age is an inspiration to those that "missed the train" for whatever reason.

You state that you are a vary curious person by nature. One of the things I learned in my small journey which allowed me to be clean for sometime, was to direct my attention or curiosity elsewhere (from the shmutz). Direct your curiosity towards something meaningful: Torah, an hobby, anything that interests you other what attracts you to your addiction. For instance, I'm addicted to M-s but I need to view something 1st, so I start at YT and move to the bad stuff. When I limit my time on computer and on those sites and involve myself in study, work, thinking of new posts on this forum or reading other people's postings etc, and I feel better!

Keep up the good work. You can definitely see from the many responses on this thread that you are not alone. The whole GUE community wants you to succeed, the more you post, more nice people you will meet and all have you and your successes and journey (bumpy and smooth) in mind and tefilah.

Shalom,

Giant Leap.

PS: The title of your thread: Coming out of my shell is genius! Why? Shell/husk is the klipah. We need to break open our shells; the shell that covers our mind, heart and body and connect our essence that currently is conceal; towards G-d.

Well, I've hit day 7. Building up momentum until this point has been the most difficult in my limited experience. I think I've managed to reinstate my good habits after my fall, and I think it's become fuzzy enough in my memory that I can analyze it.

I fell because I became disinterested in the battle. I could have easily won. In fact, after 50 days clean, my habits had set me not to fall. It was actually difficult for me to break the habit of staying clean. But I broke it anyway because I had lost my inspiration to stay in the fight, as easy as it was. I think it was because for the entire duration of those 50 days I was telling myself
"It's Elul. You can't stop fighting now."
"It's Erev Rosh Hashana? How can you even consider this?"
"YOM KIPPUR! I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
"Eh... Glad that's over... Wait, I can't relax, it Succos in a few days."
"Succos is so holy, I should be celebrating my success, not destroying it."


And then... Nothing. No special or auspicious time to keep me interested in the fight.

So I wasn't interested. I'd forgotten, or wanted to forget, the reasons I had given up my addiction.
And therefore, I considered it, and concluded (wrongly) that I pretty much was fighting for no reason.
And I fell, which acted as a wake-up call, reminding me of my previous life, and how much I hated it.

Now I've dragged myself out again, and this time I know that winning is possible. I know that it's easy. And, most importantly of all, I remember why I'm doing this, and I'm not doing it just because of the time of year; I'm doing it because I believe in it.

And I will (im"h, bl"n and all the other quotified abbreviations) succeed.

Yes winning IS possible

NO, it isnt easy, thats the yh trying to make you lower your defenses

Youre doing it because you believe it it -
-  we believe in it too - we're rooting for you!

Yes, 7up, you are right, it is not easy.

But unfortunately, I'm one of the younger generation, who's grown up with everything being easy and convenient. Every time I take upon myself to complete a difficult task, I feel disheartened, and I cannot complete it if I believe that it is truly difficult.

So I analyze it, and break it up into bite-size chunks, and consider each.

"Is not watching p*** or m* easy? No! How can I ever accomplish it?"
"Wait, is closing the browser easy?"
"Yep, just hit the little x."
"Is shutting the computer easy?"
"Yep. Hit shut down."
"Is looking away easy?"
"Yep, just turn your head."

And so forth. Little actions that I believe I can accomplish.

Then I take them and add them up. Easy! I can do this!

If I let myself believe that what I'm doing is difficult, I will give up.

So I have to keep breaking things up, and convincing myself that what I'm doing  is doable, and thereby doing it.

It's a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

NotAlone wrote on 02 Nov 2009 03:32:


Well, for one of the younger generation, you seem to have your head on straight!
Not only have you discovered the dragon of this dor, but even found a way to get around him!
Your game plan is a good one, well thought out and do-able.
Trust yourself,
And keep posting each little step!

So I've managed to stay clean for 20 days. Today was particularly difficult.

A precursor to my last fall was allowing myself to fall into fantasies. I figured I'd give in to that urge; it was all just in my head after all.
Naturally the thoughts led to actions.

This time, I was bombarded with memories of my previous falls: the thoughts would slip into my mind before I could gain control. I fought it all day, culminating in a seemingly losing battle of an hour or so. At the end, overwhelmed, not just feeling but knowing that I would fail, I just gave up my will to Hashem, as the handbook suggests, and repeated in my mind (and possibly aloud; I was very distracted) no no no no no no no no no no I don't want to fall...

It was a G-d-given miracle that the desire died. I still can't believe that it was a victory.

What worries me is that it took great strength of will to even give up the fight to Hashem, to even force myself to want to win. I don't have confidence that I will be able to draw that strength from myself every time I am confronted with a battle. The future, to me, seems bleak. How will I carry on the battle? How can I make myself sure that the desire to heal will never leave?

I guess that for now I have to take every battle as it comes.

See this amazing post from Dov.

Cant compete with a Dov post - and wouldnt want to even if I could!

20 days = gematria of gevaldigggggg

Well, maybe not, but it's the thought that counts!

Wow, what a gem.
I hope I'll recognize myself when I'm through with GYE.
Thank you, Dov.
Thank you Guard,
Thank you 7up,
and most of all...
THANK YOU NOT ALONE!