In response to a comment by cordnoy, regarding the unacceptablity of expecting one's wife to be a part of the solution....
That's completely false. I'm a professional marriage counselor with 13 years in the business. A spousal relationship requires a strong passionate sexual relationship. As my Rebbetzin has stated many times, "It is the cement which holds a marriage together."
A strong passionate intimate life is built upon a history of emotional bonding, shared struggles, sacrificing for the other, putting the other's needs first, living to make the other person happy.
Both parties to the marriage have valid, human, biological, libidinous needs, and it is part of the spousal obligation that each has to the other to nurture the relationship through any permitted means possible. In some cases, that means being quiet and listening to the other person speak; in some cases it means stopping one's own life and putting the spouse's needs first; in some cases, it means being loving, tender, and affectionate. One thing is for certain though: if one of the parties refuses to participate in, develop, and enhance the sexual side of marriage, that marriage is ostensibly over, and the suffering party has grounds for divorce. Al pi halacha, the woman would be considered a moredet, and would lose her kesuba. A man who refuses his wife is breaking his obligations under the terms of the kesuba sh'ar, ksus, and onah, and the Beis Din could force him to give her a get
If anyone thinks they are going to break this ta'avah through celibacy, or by NOT seeking to enhance the intensity of the sexual union with one's wife, you are SORELY mistaken. The adulterous aspect of immodest gazing at erotic imagery other than one's wife is that this issur puts another female sexual object in place of one's ezer kenegdo. Self-stimulation through action or sight channels a kosher drive into an unkosher kli. Multiple seforim kadoshim specify that gawking over other women is a type of ni'uf. The Kav HaYashar says b'feirush that, by blasting one's seed into oblivion, one is literally impregnating the ezer kenegdo of Satan -- lamed yud lamed yud tav. And derech agav, one part of the tikkun and teshuva for that catastrohic aveira is saying the entire Krias Shema al HaMita. That, along with the entire teshuva process of vidui, charata, azivas hacheit, kabbalah al ha'atid, ameilus b'Torah, sweating over the mitzvos (in both thought and deed).
My Rav, Shmuel Gellar, the Rosh Yeshiva of Ohr Yaakov in Zichron Yaakov, has told me explicitly much of the hashkafa that I have articulated above.
Many of the men who post on this website are FFB. And it needs to be said aloud, and for all present company to hear: there has been an infiltration into the American frum Jewish psyche that sexuality is unseemly, needs to be suppressed as much as possible, that the wives are not responsible for contributing to the relationship of intimacy, etc. All of that garbage is pure goyish. It has infiltrated from the Christians, in part as a response to the public sexualization and degradation of conjugal intimacy.
We have the Torah which tells us how we must act in an intimate setting with tsnius, affection, flirtation (being m'fayes our spouses), caring for the other person's needs, obeying the laws of niddah, etc. Ribono shel Olam, ONE SIXTH of the Talmud is called Seder Nashim. Whoever denies that a wife has an important role in the gadlus ha'adam through a sanctified marriage is pashut not a ben Torah. That's the entire concept of pas basalo. Whoever does not understand that a wife is, in one aspect, a kosher kli for that drive does not understand the first thing about marriage and achieving shleimus.
I'm not saying she's an object. Don't be an idiot and try to put words in my mouth. As Rav Moshe Aharon Stern, ZTsal said, a man has the Triple A obligations to his wife of: Attention, Appreciation, and Affection. The obligations begin with the man. We have obligations to provide: food/shelter/sustenance, clothing, and marital affection. The primary obligation is on the man to be the giver. And the shoresh of give -- yahiv -- is hei vet, HAV, as in AHAVA. The essence of love is giving. That essential giving enhances the love relationship that we owe to our wives. As we give our love, attention, appreciation, and affection, this engenders a spirit of intimacy and connection.
But they are not patur from contributing to that sense of marital bliss, harmony, and intimacy. If anyone thinks otherwise, they have been listening to the Christian priests, and not the rabbaim. Because that is absolutely not da'as Torah.
Circling back to the beginning, with all that I have said up till now: the initial spark and motivation for the connection comes from the man, who has the primary obligation to be a lover and giver to his wife. That drive ignites the spark that illuminates the bonds of love between husband and wife. In order to keep that flame burning, to harness her husband's passions, a wife has the obligation to be mekabel his energy, and to strengthen and nurture that connection.
Breaking free of the schmutz is essential for channelling all of our energies towards our wives. But they are not disinterested third parties. Fahr kehrt, they are the ikeret habayis -- they are the essence of the domicile. It may be a long slog for us to regain their trust and love; that's true. But they are not outside the circle of intimacy. On the contrary, they COMPLETE the circle of intimacy. RaV Gellar said, "They are the only intimacy permitted to you. Of course they have to fulfill you, and you them. Once upon a time, we were allowed to have more than one. Now we are only allowed to have intimacy with one -- the wife. It is a very hard halacha. But she is the only one permitted to you. The only other option you have is to be completely married to Torah, like Ben Azai. But none of us is kulo Torah. What is normal is to give opver all of our taavos to our wives. To no one else but her. ANy alter bachur is sexually messed up. It's issurei gehinnom to be an unmarried alter bachur. You have no heiter to do anything except with a frum Jewish wife, al pi Torah and kedusha. A wife has to understand that her husband has needs. A wife has a role in helping him to deal with his ta'avos. She must realize how strong the taavos are out there. It's no heiter for the man to act out with zonos, or the erotic images. It's not acceptable behavior. But part of his development in becoming a ben Torah is her being more aggressively involved in his sexual needs, in making herself more desirable to him, and more desirous of him. It might take a lot of counseling for him to overcome his ta'avos. It doesn't happen over night, and it is a big avodah. But it's critical for saving the marriage and saving neshamas."
Warning: Spoiler!
