I was always upset that my parents never spoke to me about masturbation, I have always felt that if I wouldn't have been addicted before I knew it was wrong maybe it would have turned out differently. I don't know whether that is true or not, and blaming others is really a bad idea for any addict, but I can't shake that feeling. I know certain gedolim, particularly in E"Y, have advocated sticking to the old Jewish custom of not talking bout it at all to children, but I can't help but question that ruling, especially in America and other western countries (which Israel is quickly coming to resemble, at least in the secular culture).

What's your take?

I completely identify, for i have felt the same way.

My parents were emotionally incapable of sitting down with me and telling me the facts of life.

After discovering masturbation and then doing it compulsively for two years, i started to understand what i was doing and that it is ossur.

By then i was hooked and could not stop.

Today i am more able to accept that Hashem wanted me to become an addict.

The past should be left in the past.

There's no use being mad or blaming others.

You don't know that things would have turned out differently at all. Fantasizing is pointless.

Live the life you have now.

Dude,

I got a lot of things to be mad about if I so choose. But I choose not to.

...at least for most things

Hakadosh Baruch Hu put you in a specific situation that is tailor made for you.

The only question is: are you willing to do something about it.

m2c

Eli

If I'm not mistaken, Rav Volbe talks about it in זריעה ובנין בחינוך. He definitely says to discuss it with children. Maybe I can find it later. My Rav also strongly says that one must discuss it with children as does Rav Veiner.

I don't know who says not to, but in todays world it seems pashut.

As far as your parents. They did what they thought was best. Yosef forgave his brothers because he realized they were just sheluchim from Hashem. Don't worry about woulda, coulda, shoulda.

As far as your attitude with your own children IY"H, I agree with you. There are guides in the Ebooks section about talking with children.

I heard a shiur recently which was about forgiveness, and he used the following phrase which I think is important:

"Forgiveness is about giving up the hope for a better past"

Letting go of resentment is a major part of the 12 steps. This comes from the 4 hour 12 steps:

"Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more addicts than anything else. From it stems all forms of spiritual disease (pride, self-pity, jealousy, suspicions, envy, selfishness, self-centredness, dishonesty, anger, impatience, fear, intolerance, infidelity, inconsideration, slander, prejudice etc) for we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically."

The 12-step guys seem to have good perspectives on everything!

Dr.Watson wrote:

great line!
thanks

I personally started getting attracted to girls.....after my mother told me that this is the age it starts.

Telling some people might just give them ideas.

It's a hard topic.

If my parents/rabbeim didn't speak about it (not saying they didn't, they did to a certain degree) then it was Hashem's will that I have to deal with this.

I'll worry about it when I have kids.

This is a quote that was passed on to me, which i have found very helpful:

"Forgiveness doesn't make the other person right. It makes you free!"

gibbor120 wrote:


Gibbor can you please bring the link to this ebook.

thanks

At your service: guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/category/prevention
There are a lot in this sections, but here are the 3 that I (think) I read or browsed at one point or another.

- GYE Protecting Our Youth - Experts Speak
- Dear Bachur
- Prevention Tips for Parents

Do any of you have experience talking to your kids? How did it go? Can you share tips etc on this thread or on a new thread?

inastruggle wrote:

I hear that. I sometimes wonder if I would notice certain things if it weren't for the shulchan Aruch. Skirt must be past the knee. Someone has to check to make sure . Who is going to kvetch about how women aren't tzanua if no one is checking???

inastruggle wrote:

That probably depends on what is said, and how it is said. Also, many people became addicted to masturbation before they even knew it was assur. So that must be taught as a bare minimum. Also, if a child is not told about it, when it may scare them when they have their first wet dream.

inastruggle wrote:

You can say that again.

inastruggle wrote:

I guess I can worry then .

It's not a hard subject to teach; at least not at the bare minimum. I have a younger brother who I used to learn with bein hazmanimand I was determined to teach this to him, so I told him one day we would learn shulchan aruch orach chaim siman 3 sif 14

"One should refrain from grasping the ervah while urinating"

It didn't take more than a minute; you go through it, translate words, and extend the principle to a general rule. That's it. "You can't touch it, especially when it's hard." it's not that difficult.

This, of course, does not address the whole issue of sex education, but even if you are not ready for that, I think this is an easy way to at least tell your child the bare minumum he needs to know. If you learn the entire siman with him, it will seem from the flow of the shulchan aruch that it is merely a rule of tznius, similiar to sif 2 which rules that one should not be naked in the bathroom. You don't have to explain more if you don't want to.

But maybe you should.

Rav Veiner recommends kitzur shulchan aruch (siman 151)