So a fellow said, "I am definitely addicted to lust - 100 percent!" His friend asked him, "Have you ever gone to 12-step meetin's?" Fellow replied, "No. I would if it was necessary, but I happen to be from the .001 of guys who used sheer willpower to overcome this challenge."

Truly astoundin'!

cordnoy wrote on 18 Aug 2023 13:14:

Sounds exhausting...

Had a conference call with Dov last night; some good points for me to remember:

1. ​It's not abaout the behavior; it's about the person (although he was speakin' to a chap across the pond, for me the message was that although my behaviors now may resemble sobriety, I know who I am, and that stinks!)
2. Little boy was bein' bullied in front of his peers by the bad-ass bully, da guy even pulled his pants down and threw it into the girls locker room, etc.; kid says enough is enough, gets a gun and begins chasin' the bully. Bully runnin' for his life makes it to the blvd. where he weaves thru traffic across the street, kid is runnin' like a madman close to the blvd., his dad sees him brandishin' the weapon, shootin' wildly, headin' right into the path of a movin' truck and an oil tanker. Father, although he sees that his son may actually kill someone, screams on top of his lungs: Truuuuucccckkkkk!!! [One may be doin' terrible thin's, but sometimes the onlooker (or the person himself) needs to focus on the big picture, and that is the life he created for himself and the lies he is livin', not necessarilly the individual behaviors.]
3. The chap already made some changes this mornin' and says he feels in a somewhat better place now; that's a win - for the moment.

Godspeed to all

cordnoy wrote on 31 Aug 2023 13:04:

Powerful moshul. This quicksand of filth is dibilitating. It saps out all life leaving a shell of a human, a zombie monster in its place. Can't think feel connect or work, drunk and blind to the hell he's in. The watching porn and creating demons is trivial, here's a crushing force threatening my existence. When that hits home continuing isn't a option. So I'm sober today.

(And when I'm still bringing on lustful thoughts and fantasies, I suppose that's powerless) 

cordnoy wrote on 01 Feb 2017 14:53:

I have been violatin' the "three-second" rule lately; I have been enjoyin' that third second as well, not so much the 4th and 5th afterwards though (not guilt Heaven-forbid, but anger of sorts).

cordnoy wrote on 21 Sep 2023 13:48:

Three-second rule, huh?
I have that set up on the installment plan.

I found this post; it's somewhat of a masterpiece. My comments will be in the next post - providin' that I still have time.

Dear Addiction, 

I hate you. You ruthlessly exposed me to the most immoral, disgusting parts of the world. You robbed me of my emotions, my friends, my family, and anything I respected and held dear. You cruelly wormed your way into my life, demanding my full attention. You're a monster disguised as a friend. 
I love you. You held my hand when life was tough. You were the only tool in my depleting arsenal. You never abandoned me.  You also taught me how strong and resilient I am. How deep my yearning for purity runs. You were the catalyst for some of the most beautiful relationships in my life. 
And this paradox snuffs every bit of life out of me. It haunts me day and night. A complex combination of two polarizing emotions. 
Good and evil. 
Purity and immorality. 
Connection and dissociation. 
You had me caught up in your sticky web. I struggled to break free. I spent every last drop of strength vacillating between victory and surrender. 
It's a complex game of chess. Black against white. Purity against evil.
Calculated, careful moves. 
I tried to keep my eye on the goal-  black's king. Capture and kill this addiction festering inside me. 
One move at a time. 
A filter. 
An accountability partner. 
Therapy. 
Podcasts. 
Distractions. 
Education. 
Prevention. 
Substitutions. 
I kept moving forward. I was winning this game. I was fighting with the devil itself. 
At times, it appeared that I was losing. Black's moves were clever. Sly. Secretive. 
Black's king appeared to me in my dreams, whispering platitudes in my ear. 
It promised me freedom. To be an honorary prisoner of war, if I only surrendered. 
It promised me serenity. To live in an isolated castle, disconnected from the tumultuous world. 
I found myself dancing with the devil. Inviting him back into my life. Welcoming his reassuring presence, like an old, worn shoe. 
And then I got angry at you, addiction. I cut off all contact with you. I threatened to report you, to have you killed, to have you placed on death row. 
And it finally, finally, felt like you were retreating. 
I had forgotten how clever and evil you are. I forgot how much you enjoy robbing me of my mortality. 
And so, your latest surprise attack had me writhing on the ground, nearly dead. 
I was not prepared for it. 
I never imagined you would attack me with this sort of warfare. I still naively believed in the goodness of humanity, you included. 
I believed that even a black king has a white, pure soul.
I was so sadly mistaken. 
But, addiction, I want you to know that as of right now, the battle is over. 
Sure, you had me locked under your chokehold, gasping for air. 
Sure, you kept pelting me with toxic shame, anger, and resentment.
Sure, I was slowly bleeding to death. 
But I rose like a lion.
And with a mighty roar, I jumped on top of you, outsmarting you, knocking you down under my chokehold. 
White is moving forward, closing in on black. 
Calculated, careful moves. 
One square at a time. 
Confession. 
Tears. 
New filter. 
Delete an app. 
Surrender to the ultimate Chessmaster. 
I won this time.
Checkmate, addiction. 

Expecting your surrender, 
Me

cordnoy wrote on 30 Mar 2017 13:51:

Had a few minutes for chazarah, so this post caught my eye; amazin' how my thinkin' doesn't change much as well - sad that I'm so haughty.

Just a quick note on myself: My recovery journey here has spanned over a decade, and that's good and bad, but whatever. For the record, I've had clean/sober streaks (from all different types of stuff) for 90, 100, 300, 1,000 and more (and some streaks less than that as well). I don't do any countin' any more, but I recently realized that my latest streak is now over 100. I don't care much about the 100, but livin' feels swell.

Godspeed to all

#IStandWithIsrael
#AmYisraelChai
#GevurahCaughtMyLastOne&aModSentMePrivateMessage
#BringEmHomeNow

If I wasnt in between a hard place (urges) and a rock (my determination not to give in) before I read this post.

Now, I am totally lost.

Brother, I don’t understand what you are trying to stay. Something tells me that your post from 2017 reflects my feelings now but I don’t know.

Just a big mush in my brain.

I Have strong urges.

Emotions on high (maybe some of my wifes rubbed off on me).

Energy running low.

Feeling lonely.

But I wont give up/in.

Heeling wrote on 22 Nov 2023 18:25:

Sorry.
You may need to do some explainin' here.
My post from above was a simple one: What is needed to do at this moment? Then, hopefully, do it!

Godspeed!

#ISWI
#BEDFHN!!
#AYC!

Thank you, the whole post is great but this nails it. 

Chaim. 
good shabbos 

Since I read the recent topics late last night and this mornin' there have been many posts. Usually, there are just a couple or several that I have the urge to comment on, and as of late, I conquer that urge, to the most part. (I wish only that this should extrapolate to other urges of mine.) Today, almost all of them created the itch in me to comment, but there are too many, and I also am in no mood for a brouhaha, certainly one of my creatin', so I came here.

1. God put me here, generally, I created this mess, the part that I didn't create is part of who I am, I need to deal with that, I cannot focus on God, I need to pay attention to me. 

2. A woman wrote how she was convinced with her prayers and fastin' and cryin', especially on day of marriage, this would be the last of the challenge for her, and she was unprepared for the storm that came roarin' back a mere six months afterwards. We are livin' in a world of false euphoria, some of it fueled by GYE.

3. Speakin' of GYE, some of the blame for all the guilt that is runnin' rampant rests on their doorstep. Of course, much of the credit for all the successes and challenges overcome belongs to them as well. It cannot be understated how much effort the late Mashgiach Rav Matisyahu zatzal invested in this endeavor. May it be a zechus for him, which he probably doesn't need, and for us, who definitely need it.

4. Back to God, I will not commit heresy in this point by sayin' that God doesn't care of your individual result in the bathroom or office or massage parlor parkin' lot right now, for He does, but He is more interested in your life pursuit and your mission and perhaps where you finally land.

5. Bears repeatin', when you see a woman in shul Shabbos mornin', tight dress, long shaitel, breasts clearly defined, heels, (stockin's with a seam in back), makeup perfect, etc. and you begin to get jealous as you think about your wife with shlumpy shaitel, overweight, baggy outfit, pale as can be, etc. Know this: the other woman probably didn't have sex Friday night (and don't argue with me please, and by the way, my wife is the latter AND we didn't have sex either).

Gotta go

cordnoy wrote on 05 Jan 2024 14:45:

I don't care much about the other woman. Her husband neighbor, on the other hand, has what to masturbate to...

cordnoy wrote on 05 Jan 2024 14:45:

Can you please explain what you mean by "some of it fueled by GYE" 
Thanks so much!

davidt wrote on 05 Jan 2024 14:59:

We revel in the 6 days, 35 days and 90 days, etc. Look at the holdin' back i accomplished. I'm a hero! Have kavanah in hashiveinu and in Ein keiloKeinu and you will be answered. Take out the garbage without bein' asked, hug her but don't squeeze, read three pages from the book and you will see success.  Post on the forum, shmooze with a like-minded fellow by the coffee room and buy yourself an ice cream sunday for not touchin' yourself durin' issur time. All of this is good stuff, but many times, it avoids the bigger picture.