BS"D

Hi everyone, its been ages since i posted on the forum, and today by hashgacha pratis i decided to log on as i was feeling weak.
I just wanted to let everyone know the realization that i have come to with the help of my good friend and mentor 'notsoskeptical'. this is something i was completely unaware of. I knew i always had anxiety issues, that for years i had been struggling with, and the smallest of things could send me into a 3 day 'depression'. a sulk, a self pitying personality who i cant stand living as. the realization came as i was learning to have as notsoskeptical calls it 'positive programming', a big part in recovery, to get rid of the negativity, worry about falling, etc. we spoke a lot about simcha, and whether it affects me falling. it was then that i noticed a pattern over the course of a few weeks that every single time i had fallen there had been an incident, no matter how small, that had triggered it. something, an argument, some 'bad' news, that sent me into that negative self pitying state. it was then that i felt everything/everyone is against me, and i was 'entitled' to act out, it made me feel better (temporarily, and after a short while i felt 1,000 times worse).
The problem was i was not seeing hashgacha pratis as it is meant to be. In chassidus it speaks so much about how we need to know and believe that every little thing Hashem does is for the good, whether i see it or not. then came a test- i lose a few hundred dollars; i tried to keep my self besimcha, but i thought 'am i not entitled to be pissed off?! then started the cycle: become furious> full of self pity> start getting ideas about acting out> fell. But in the middle i reached the realization that it was so clear- this cycle that i could never see in my seven years of addiction, that i had been using p*rn to numb the self pitying/upset.
then i thought to myself, yes, maybe i am 'entitled' to be pissed off, but what good will that do me? will it fix anything? no! it will only make things worse because now i know where it leads me to. Other people may be able to get annoyed once in a while, but they can control it. I however, see a clear path/cycle of what happens when i get angry; therefore, for me anger/upset/self pity is POISON. I need to stay away from it as far as I can. How? through simcha! through believing that when Hashem does something it is for the good (as lately i have been noticing 1000 times more!) When something goes 'wrong' i talk to myself, and say 'Hashem is not out to get me. He loves me; I am precious to Him as a son to his father; even though i dont see it, this is what's best. STAY HAPPY! SMILE!' and then i ask Hashem to help me stay happy.
my point over here is i need to say B''H; B''H that i discovered this now while im single and can still work on myself. this could have ch'v caused me serious problems in the future, if every time i had a disagreement with my wife, or something didn't go my way, i would be full of self pity and resort to p*rn as a drug.
I cant begin to tell you how privileged i feel to be a part of you people on GYE, even though im not a big figure over here, i dont post often. You guys are the people who are out to change the world by changing yourselves. we need help, and thanks to GYE that is possible; lives have and continue to be saved every day through the help of this miraculous website. People caring for one another, to an extent that i just began to feel now, when i learned of my sponsor's fall. I am crying as i write this. MI KEAMCHA YISRAEL!! a special thank you to my friend/sponsor 'notsoskeptical', for always being there for me if im going through a tough time, and always believing in me.
GUYS, BE BESIMCHA!!! if there's one thing I've learned, THAT is the only way. KEEP ON SMILING!!

You're amazing! Keep it up!

That's great news! When you find the true root of your problem you know how to fight it. You should try to post daily. When I first started I was so nervous and shy that I barely ever posted. Just I started "talking" to people on the forum, I felt much better. I was not putting pressure on my self because the members here always made me feel valued. Try it for a while, see what happens.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Great.


maybe you should change your name to deep in middle of recovery?

important realizations indeed!