newjew wrote:
My last 2 longest streaks were 30 days. This is the 3 time at 30 and again i feel this need. Last few times I fell it was really not that pleasureful so why do I want to do it? I have been with my wife just 3 days ago I don't need it. But I am in a hotel room by my self and just opened a page I want to close it but will the want every go away. I looked at the 90 day chart and say people with hundreds of days clean with a recent fall and think whats the point no matter how long I hold out I am going to fall at some point.
DON'T DO IT!!!
I hope I'm not to late to grab your hand before you jump. The RBS"O created the human with the capacity to forget things. This capacity can be used for good, to forget that yesterday we fell and just think about not falling today, but it can also be use for bad to forget not just how little pleasure our last fall was but also how miserable it made us feel. Because it is not just the lack of pleasure in our falls which should scare us away from the edge it is also the terrible feeling afterward, sometimes seconds later. I remember the old (ok maybe not so old) me sitting down at my computer to fall and deciding that once was not enough I wanted to mas*** twice. And yet I couldn't because the feeling just seconds after I fell was so lousy that I just didn't have the desire to do it again. Do you remember such a feeling? Keep that feeling at the foremost but only when you need it. At all other times put your past behind you and just think that today, this hour, this minute, "I'm not going to jump".
With regard to the future, sorry to say I don't think we really want that feeling to be gone. (Before you start yelling let me explain.) We were put in this world to grow and those feelings are an import part of our growing. When we have that urge and we resist, we grow. There is only one place where that feeling doesn't follow us, the grave. And while my Y"H tells me to jump (fall) relatively often, he hasn't told me in a while to jump (into the grave). So for me I'm just working on not jumping today and I'll try to worry about tomorrow when I get there. Don't get me wrong it will get easier but gone it will never be.
Hope this was helpful and not to late,
Hatzlacha to us all!
