Beautiful!

It is wonderful to see real growth! Chazak V'ematz!

I read the akeidah in davening the other day, and I was struck by the way Avraham Avinu says Hineini. As a Baal Teshuva, it is incredibly inspring. A person needs to be able to say "Here I am. This is me. I am going to serve you, Hashem, with the cochos and the experiences that You have given me. I will not run away, and pretend I should be something else, or that I am something else. I will be brave, and stare in to the darkness of my soul, unflinchingly, because I know that You, Hashem, are hidden there. Me, the yid that only learned gemara for the first time a little over a year ago, that finds himself feeling like he won't survive the night unless he drugs out on porn, that has had inappropriate fantasies running through his mind since puberty, and that has seen things online that make him feel less than human. That is the yid that is here before You, even though it is painful, frightening, and difficult. I stand before You because I know that You see everything hidden, and You know MUCH better than I do what I need, and what is best for me."

I think a major part of what I've learned is that I need to accept my emotions, whatever they are. It is one thing to avoid being controlled by your emotions, and it is another to try to ignore them and just bottle them up. I think the past year I've been trying to gain access into my emotions, but it has been rough. I little bit like releasing a valve that was about to burst - stuff flies everywhere! But then it levels out, and the engine can run smoothly.
I also think its especially important for a person with alot of drive to monitor his emotions well. Its like a racecar vs, a car you just use to go to the supermarket. A race car needs a whole team to monitor its wheels, its engine, and who knows what, very often. A car you take to the supermarket doesn't need to be checked so often. Even if its not in such good shape, it goes well enough.

I have had very limited access to the internet for the past few days. It is quite a relief! Life infront of a computer screen is rough!
Anyway, I went to a bookstore yesterday, and was surprised when I nearly started browsing through an inappropriate book. The Yetzer Hara is very flexible. Hashem, please help me be adept enough to avoid the YH's pitfalls! I certainly can't do it without You! On second thought, please just keep the Yetzer Hara away! I don't want to be adept! I want to be clean!

Rav Eliyahu Ki Tov says an amazing vort about the 17 of tammuz. Moshe came down from Har Sinai and broke the luchos on the 17 of Tammuz. There it says that the whole nation had worshipped the golden calf. But on the surface, this is not true! It was a small minority that worshipped the calf, while another small group rejoiced but did not participate. There was a very large portion of klal Yisroel that did not participate, and that were terribly ashamed of the event. But when Moshe said, "who ever is for Hashem, come with me," this last group hesitated. They did not know which groups qualified to go with him, or how the nation could possibly recover from such a travesty. This was their mistake.
Rav Eliyahu Ki Tov says that this indicates that they attributed some reality to the avodah zarah. If they had seen the avodah zarah as completely unreal, then what was the problem? This is just another aveirah - and the nation will do teshuvah and reach even higher as a result. And perhaps some people will be punished, and then we'll move on.
The fact that they thought it was beyond Moshe, or beyond Hashem(!) to bring the nation back, showed that they attributed some independent reality to the avodah zarah. They should instead have understood that this too is from Hashem, and, like everything else, can be a bridge to connect to him.

That is what the Leviim did. They were like unquestioning soldiers, and followed Moshe immediately, without hesitation.



We should learn from this. We need to learn from this. This struggle is not something we need to escape in order to start serving Hashem. This is coming from Hashem. If He wants us to work on being healthy human beings, that is exactly what we need to do. And he is happy when we do what we need to do, and see his involvement in our personal lives.

thank you!

I saw the movie Man of Steel, the other day. It was amazing to see the clearly jewish references - the whole thing is very Jewish. Just like it is a big joke that Superman is not recognized when he wears a suit and puts on glasses (as Clark Kent), so too, it is a big joke that we mistake human beings to be like animals, when we are obviously from a whole other world!!

But I also saw in the movie how low our society has fallen. This movie put far more emphasis on Superman's sculpted body than past movies. One military woman in the movie even giggled, and said "I think he's hot." The indiscretion is unbelievable. Not only that, but Superman stole twice within the first 20 minutes of the movie, and he is supposed to be the examplar of morality! (the first time he stole because his clothes were burned from trying to save people from a fire, but still, why put him in a situation where he steals! and if he's walking around without a shirt on, why not just have him ask someone for clothes or something!)

Anyway, it is no mystery that we are contaminated with this disease considering the filth we live in.

Thank God for GYE! I'm almost sure I would have fallen several times in the last 60 days without the wisdom and guidance and support from this site, and from my holy friends on the forum. People like us, especially Yidden with clever Yetzer Haras, can never stop giving their lust to Hashem. Like the Ramchal says in Derech Hashem, a person must constantly turn towards Hashem. You can't just turn to face Him, and then that's it. As soon as you turn, you need to keep turning, as long as you live.

A big part of what I have learned that is particularly important for me, is that emotions cannot be bottled up. They will eventually come out, one way or another, and "another" is awful! We need to acknowledge our good thoughts and feelings like our bad thoughts and feelings. That's not to say we should not try to change them. But we should definitely not try to solve the problem by ignoring them or pretending they are not their (ie. "I'm too frum to think that..."). It is like any great art. In music, for example, the beauty lies in tension and release, assonance and dissonance. A great play or novel touches the soul with sadness, tragedy, comedy, elation, boredom, evil, courage, and many things. Our lives, then, are much more beautiful than a play, or a symphony. Mainly because Hashem is the author. Also because our lives are real!! 1 real dollar is better than a million imaginary dollars. So too, our real lives, with all of their ups and downs, and pain, and pleasure, are much better than the fake bubble of frumness or philosophy, or whatever shtuss we create. Don't be the star of your own play. You are perfect for your role in Hashem's play, and his is infinitely better than yours.

(Hashem, please don't let any of this wisdom fill my ego and keep me from you).

Aren't you afraid to go to a movie theater??? to watch a movie???

I was afraid, especially during the three weeks. But I am a baal teshuva and I'm home with my parents for just a little while before I go to Israel for Yeshiva, IY"H. Shalom Bayis is in the balance. I probably would not have gone if it was just me. I hope I made the right decision. And the movie wasn't so hard on the eyes, relatively.

I'm glad you made it through ok . When I even see part of a "children's movie", I'm amazed at all the sexual innuendos. Our culture is totally steeped in the stuff.

I've never said this before, but I'll say it now. I'm an addict. I am an addict to lust. Even now, as I write this, I want to switch to another page, look up those old videos, and act out. For me, it is a way to find validation, to feel wanted, to feel in control, to numb the pain, to pass the time... But it is nothing less (or nothing more) than death. My entire life can get sucked into it. When I act out, it tumbles into a cycle of guilt, shame, and anger, which leads to self-pity, or ignoring my emotions (I would go to one or the other extreme.) In those conditions I would feel anxious or depressed, and eventually, I would feel there was no hope, that if I act out the few moments of relief will be worthwhile because I have nothing to hope for afterwards anyway.

When I started the videos were definitely inappropriate, but they didn't want to make me vomit when I saw them in a sober moment. Eventually, the videos were so bad that that is exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to hide away, run away, kill myself (and what beter way to kill myself than to watch more p***.) I would cry, and beat myself up to no end. I would apologize to Hashem, fast, try not to be alone with the computer. Nothing worked. The only thing I didn't try was ask Hashem for help. I never did that, ever. I felt too ashamed. It was pride.

One day I was desperate, hiding out in the library, afraid of my own hands, my own privacy. I asked Hashem for help. It wasn't even verbal. I entered a prayer into the google search bar. And then I saw GYE come up on the search list. It was nothing short of a miracle. I see miracles all the time now. Since then I have been asking for help very often (probably still not as often as I should). Hashem has entered my life in a way more real than I could have ever hoped for. This addiction, for me, is the definition of a blessing in disguise. Thank you Hashem, and thank you GYE. This is my Miriam's well, my lifeline, the ground under my feet. I love you all so much.

P.S. Hashem, Avinu shebashamayim (ve al ha'aretz mitachas), please keep me sober, keep me healthy, keep me asking for help, keep my ego down and my emunah and bitachon up, "Hashem Elokai, shivati eilecha vatirpaeni. Hashem, he'elisa min sheol nafshi, chiyisani miyardi vor. I had said in my serenity, 'I would not falter.' But Hashem, birtzoncha he'emadta lehareri oz, histarta panecha haisi nivhal..."

ditto. I could believe what I saw/heard in a kids movie (rated G for crying out loud)

or maybe im so sick...

Kinda like the guy that was being evaluated with a Rorschach test. Every time the shrink showed him another formation of ink he would describe the most perverted scenario possible. After a few attempts the shrink says, "Y' know, you really are quite messed up". To which the guy responds,

"Me?! You the sicko who's drawing the pictures"

reallygettingthere wrote:

Thank you for that wonderful honest post - SD. Hashem should grant all of your tefillos l'tova!