though this statement doesnt pierce the heart that I have covered up with acting out, I have come to the conclusion that my conclusions are pointless. Either Hashem doesnt want to help me, chas vchalila (unlikely), or I havent properly asked for help. that being said, what do I do? I need help. not in a desperate manner. I've past the point of desperation, and realized the melodramatics dont do a thing. at this point I really need to snap out of it and stop starting. I get that I am helpless to lust, that it has the power to and does take over my being. I get that a proper relationship with Hashem could fix this. and I get that I am ultimately not going to solve this with filters, monitering, or the like (though it does make it harder, and more of a twisted, disturbing form of hashgacha pratis when I do fall). so what's next? I'm looking for the one two punch pill that will make this all go away. but while that is being developed, I am open to productive advice...
I will say that:
Davening for help has not worked, because ultimately it is my choice to fall or not. that is not to say it wont work, just that it has not. web chaver also doesnt work entirely, because I find obscure ways to get to what I want via other sources. also, it seems to be a fact of life that things that will trigger me exist-I have not worked out a successful way of dealing with that lust. I'm open to suggestions.
(the first that give myself is to journal and or post, not only when I fall).
ps...yes, this is post-fall...yes, it was just like every other one.

I'm a new member here. First I will tell you this, it will be impossible for me to beat your creative writing skills! Having said that, just to let you know that I understand and FEEL what you are feeling. Although I'm not sure I'm addicted, I have very similar struggles you describe in your short posing.

BH I am a good writer. I just need to let my words pierce my thick heart and open me up enough to get out of the shmutz..

I really admire your will power, you know I have the same will power you have and sometimes boom I just fall back, I'm not sure that knowing someone else struggling the same way you do helps you much but I'm sure it can make you feel human and NORMAL and not a complete failure. Now suggestion do you do any chesed activitys? I benefit from doing a dedication of time for legwork chesed. What do you think?

tryingtobeme wrote:
Sorry aint gonna happen. "snappingoout of iit doesn't work because you will just as quickly snap back in tryingtobeme wrote:
This does not exist... anywhere.. except after 120


I feel your pain holy brother. I've experienced everything that you vented has. filters, web chaver, giving up etc.

The key here is to understand that as long as you try to force yourself using external mechanisms to stay/get clean, you will fail time and time again.

The only solution is to change yourself.

The question is not what will you do different this time. The question is how will YOU BE different this time.

-Eli

Hi TTBM,

Have you tried one of the anonymous 12 step phone conferences? Have you spoken to anyone about your problem or just posted here?

On the subject of a difficult relationship with Hashem,

I have also had difficulty in talking to Hashem. Lately I have taken pen and paper and I write letters to Hashem, boy o' boy that helps. I am very bad at davening I most of the time skip out half because they are set words and I don't feel that I can express myself that way. But on the paper I write everything. There are plenty of brackets on what I want and what I feel that I should want and strive to, but believe me it is amazing. When I finished I put them in a Chumash in my house because it gives me the intimate feeling that I have sent it to him and since I started I talk to him during the day and I think about Hashem much more, and, I sure am getting closer and heard more than ever before.

Yitzchok (I just splashed on this post a bit of my feelings of late) Thank You Hashem for helping me find this letter writing it has done amazing things. Please keep on reading and posting back.

its been a while since being on here. my comp crashed and I had to wipe it clean, including filters. it has given me a few tests. first, I had to put WebChaver back on. done. then today, mamash porn just wound up on my screen. I actually clicked nothing, no desires, nada. My first reaction was to check what I thought might be something not good on there, and then in the split second I realized what it was hand went over the moniter, X'd out of the window and deleted from history. I saw that it was, but I saw nothing. I call it a huge win.
In response to your responses: I have not done 12 step anything. I dont know why, I just havent. I have talked to a bunch of people about it, guys struggling, rabbaim, etc. Things have been good since last time on, but I fear that is coming from external good. Still have a lot to work through, but with Hashem's help, will get it done!
thanks
M

Congratulations! Wins like that are how you know you are improving. You proved that you are trying to get better. That is all Hashem wants. Keep on the path you are on and eventually Hashem will fight it for you.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Continue keeping us posted!