though this statement doesnt pierce the heart that I have covered up with acting out, I have come to the conclusion that my conclusions are pointless.
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/blink.png)
Either Hashem doesnt want to help me, chas vchalila (unlikely), or I havent properly asked for help. that being said, what do I do? I need help. not in a desperate manner. I've past the point of desperation, and realized the melodramatics dont do a thing. at this point I really need to snap out of it and stop starting. I get that I am helpless to lust, that it has the power to and does take over my being. I get that a proper relationship with Hashem could fix this. and I get that I am ultimately not going to solve this with filters, monitering, or the like (though it does make it harder, and more of a twisted, disturbing form of hashgacha pratis when I do fall). so what's next? I'm looking for the one two punch pill that will make this all go away. but while that is being developed, I am open to productive advice...
I will say that:
Davening for help has not worked, because ultimately it is my choice to fall or not. that is not to say it wont work, just that it has not. web chaver also doesnt work entirely, because I find obscure ways to get to what I want via other sources. also, it seems to be a fact of life that things that will trigger me exist-I have not worked out a successful way of dealing with that lust. I'm open to suggestions.
(the first that give myself is to journal and or post, not only when I fall).
ps...yes, this is post-fall...yes, it was just like every other one.