It started with problems in emunah, and now it has snowballed into a full-blown addiction to being motzi zera, and to looking at shmutz. I was always the big kanoi about kedushah inyonim. I was,(moderately) holding where I was practicing being mekadesh atzmecha bemutar lach, and now ive fallen to where i barely keep sedorim in yeshiva, i spend time going to the bathroom to be motzi, im always in a rush, jumping from one thing to the next, eating a lot of junk and haviung a moiredige taavas achilah(thats the least of it); suddenly i became the perfect image of a bum, and i havce no idea how to get myself out of it.

Hi bochur28,
I am 17 years old who has been a baal teshuva for 2 years. I have only been able to stay clean for about 2-3 days at a time, with my longest ever being 8 days. I tend to be very shy or timid.

You said you were in a yeshiva, so I think you are around my age, maybe a little older. Ask anyone and they will say that this age is the hardest in almost everything, but especially this. I have been here much shorter than some most other people, but if you ever want to please message me.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Welcome bochur28! You have come to the right place. We're all in the same boat.

You might want to check out some material by Dr Sorotzkin on perfectionism. (If I'm off on this, feel free to ignore my advice)

There are articles and audio here www.drsorotzkin.com/ .

He also has other good material that may be of interest to you.

Have you read the GYE handbook?

Hatzlacha on your journey! Keep posting! We are here for you!

the troiuble is, I know all of the eitzos; I used to use the 12-step program back when this first happened when I was 17. That however, was 5 years ago, and I didnt have any emunah problems back then. Now, when I try to nullify myself to hashem like I used to, im pained by a screaming 'mi yaimar' bug that wont let me connect. I know the rayos to hashem, and there are times that they make sense; there are also times when i think ive upshluged them(of course deep down i know i didnt). emunah issues were a cause of a major OCD episode I had about 4 months ago which ended in hospitalization. I really dont want to go downt hat road again, and using the 12-steps might trigger a relapse. Thanks a lot for the welcome though; it helps to know im not alone.

Welcome!
Sounds like you're dealing with a lot more than this addiction.
You're going to need someone you trust to talk to about what's going on in your life.
Can you talk with your mashgiach? Try not to worry about your image in his eyes. If the experience of other bochurim on this forum is any indicator, you will be surprised by his acceptance and understanding of what you're going through. There are hundreds (if not thousands) of "top" bochurim with these issues. It will take a huge weight off your chest and you can begin your journey back. This can be a yereda l'tzorech aliya and you can come out stronger than ever.

Take a step toward sobriety by committing to guarding your eyes from looking at women (not just shmutz) and guarding your mind against fantasies and images.

Keep up the dialogue here. Maybe you can share a little more detail about your life (without compromising your anonymity of course)

Listen to this excellent series of lectures on emunah, available for free download:

animaamin.org/news/free-10-hour-download/

Know What to Answer to Yourself
By: Rabbi Dovid Sapirman

The knowledge that there is a Creator Who gave us a Torah at Har Sinai is the very foundation of Judaism. This ten hour series demonstrates these concepts in a lucid and compelling manner. These lectures are a must for students, educators, and every Jew. (10 Lectures)

-The many spectacular aspects of the universe that testify to a Creator

-Where the evolutionists went wrong (and why they believe in it anyway)

-Incontrovertible evidence for the Revelation at Sinai and Torah Min Hashomayim

-The startling reason why so many Jews have been lost to Torah observance

-Astounding predictions from the Torah… that all came true

Hi there - welcome!

How bout maybe forget (for now) about emunah, kedusha, etc. Why not focus on behaving as a decent human being so that you can feel good about yourself. As they say around here, derech eretz kodmoh letorah. Try one day of acting in a dignified manner (pretend you're some "odom choshuv"). If you can do one day successfully, I think you'll feel good enough to try it for another day, but let's not get ahead of ouselves. Just today, for now.

Hatzlacha!

MT

AlexEliezer wrote:


shkoyach for your response. I in fact, was a top bochur in a top yeshiva in eretz yisroel. All of the sudden, my old emunah problems were unleashed, and I was at a loss for help. I went to mashgichim, gedolim, etc.., none could help satisfy me. I then tried to get past the need to be satisfied, understand that emunah is more than just logic and reasoning, that emunah is a part of me be'etzem, but something didnt sit right. it all seemed like a facade, a psychological barrier i made to be happy and fulfilled. I know thats not true, but i cant shake it.

I feel your pain. I am going through a hard time myself. I think we have to slow down for a second. Our expectations our way to high for ourselves right now. We need to get back to the basics, start with something small like focusing on guarding our eyes from women on the street (maybe this isnt a problem for you if your in Yeshiva but find something small). And we should realize that we may still fall but we should keep pursuing our small goal and at some point, we will see change.

Keep pushing, never give up!

DMS1234

I had a situation like that. I was depressed, but thought I was happy. I got better by going to several Farbrengens. The abundant joy forced me to realize that I wasn't happy. Once I knew how a connection to Hashem feels, I wanted it for the first time that I can remember.

Reading over what I have written, it does not make as much sense I thought it would. It has a lot to do with emotions that only chassidus can explain. I know a little bit. I know an Awakening of the Above causing an Awakening of the Below and vise versa. A more learned Chassid could properly explain what happened to me.

I think you should try to get this reaction.

P.S. You can't try to get this because it needs to happen without you knowing. It happens to you more than you do it. So you need to do what I wrote, but no think about what I wrote. I am confusing myself and making this sound much harder to do than it is.

I feel and hear what you're saying. I also struggle with emunah problems. they are very related to my issue. I dont yet have a solution, but I can give you my sincere blessing that you find one...

bochur28 wrote:


The first of the aseres hadibros is to know that there is a Hashem. Not to believe. To know. Unlike every other religion, judaism is not based on faith. It is based on knowledge and logic. I highly recommend downloading and listening to the shiurim linked in my post above. They're very lively and easy to listen to, and quite satisfying. Once you've heard them, you can contact the speaker who makes himself available to young people with questions. The shiurim have given me a great aliyah in emunah. (There are actually another 2 groups of shiurim which you can find on the website for a total of 24 hours of shiurim on emunah. I have heard all of them several times.)

But this is an addiction forum.
Regardless of where you're holding in your yiddishkeit, the addiction is a separate issue. Not completely unrelated, but separate. You can address the addiction independent of your emunah crisis. The only requirement is that you realize that you cannot go on acting out in this way. Start with the basics of sobriety - avoiding the drug. Guard your eyes in all settings. Guard your mind from fantasies by surrendering them verbally to Hashem each time they try to gain a seat in your mind.

Daven for sobriety.
And in case you haven't done so, daven for emunah!

emuna has always been a issue for me also, only recently through recovery from this addiction have i gotten anywhere concrete. part of my issue is that i believe with every bone of my body that the female body is G-d, so there is no room left for anything else. if the focus of my life is on the oneness of the Holy Orgasm, even if most of the time i am focusing on fighting the temptation and not giving in - then i simply cannot believe in Hashem for real.

tonight i saw really beautifull shaped woman on the street, and i was in a bit of a bad mood, i can't describe the pain i am feeling right now from that. i feel that i cannot survive anymore without having one of these woman for my sexual needs. all i can do is admit to the real Hashem that this is what i am feeling, that my life is unmanagable as a result, and i am willing and want for You to take it away from me. The only way i can hope to leave the G-dess of Lust is with the help of Hashem, i cannot do it alone. i have no choice but to believe in Him, without help i'm finished. sometimes it's hard to feel it, my addiction will do anything to prevent me and distract me from this great fact, i need Hashem's help every step of the way.

All the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!