Hi guys !
I have not been online for months.... I must say I have made big progress and I feel more in control (no access to p*** for more than 1 year), I experienced less falls but....
But, I JUST HAD A BIG ONE !!!

For months, actually since I have no more access to p**** thanks to K9, I go surfing aroung looking for some soft content (especially teen sport pics). I lie to everybody, among them my wife, pretending that I work on a sport project for which I need sport photos... I think I started to BELIEVE it is true !! Yesterday I just found the big stuff : a whole free site dedicated to teen sport pictures !!! I went in but I needed a (free) registration, I didn't make it.
But the whole evening and night I thought about it and this morning I asked my wife to start the computer before she would leave for office. I saw real wonders like the computer truned off "by itself", the memory card in which I planned to copy/paste the Mozilla folder didn't work, then I have to log in as administrator but didn't know the password... Until I found it, put my I-pod and copy Mozilla. Thus I visited this website once again and I fell : I made the free registration...
I feel really bad 'cause I feel like cheating with everybody (my wife & children thinkng I go to shul, daven and learn though I am stucked to my screen)and did'nt recognize what Hashem did for me to protect me !!! An I am also afraid that "they" (webmasters of this bloody website) can find me and in any way police will be alerted and I imagine already myself ashamed in front of all : the good avrech kolel was a big perverse. I try to say to myself that there was NO "hot" content at ALL but still... I am in a living hell really

What can I do ? HELP !!!!
How can I go on

Sorry to hear you sad story, KY. But guess what - it happens to the best of us. It's an opportunity to realize our weakness and to learn from our mistakes. You sound like your focus was on avoiding P***, but you still kept indulging in other forms of lust. Ain't gonna work. Rabbi Shais Taub spoke this week on Duvid Chaim's phone program. He clearly said that just as an alcoholic must avoid all forms of alcohol, a lustaholic must avoid all forms of lust. And that includes "all" images that may trigger us, as well as all lustful thoughts.

Does that make sense to you (it does to me - boduk umenusah).

Hatzlacha

MT

Welcome kosheryid!

Have you read the handbook? It's a good place to start.

guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/gye-handbook

wolcome! YES YOU ARE kosher yid! & i do feel bad for your nisayon which brught kishalon! but remember! now it's Le'achar Ma'ase! you may no longer change it! the best you can do @ this point is to say the serenity prayer! "to excep the things I cann't change"!

i know how you feel.
THe best way to start is probably take it one day at a time.
Personally, I split the day into three and ask myself to help me just for this third.

Hi Kosheryid,

I went through something similar. I put up k9 and didn't look at any p*** for a little while, but it is not hard to get around, especially in the heat of the moment - the yetzer harah can be very resourceful. I've had occasions where Hashem gave me multiple clear signs - the internet failing only when I started to type certain words, strange pages showing up with titles like "this world is good, but the next world is better," the computer malfunctioning... before my last fall, after which I found this amazing website, my rabbi texted me, saying "your a hero," while I was searching for shmutz, and I still went through with it!

I think Hashem revealed himself to me at those times because he saw that I felt despair, and he wanted me to know that he loves me. Although I felt terribly guilty when I didn't stop because of it, afterwards I still remembered his message. It reminds me of the statement that the cherubim were seen to be embracing when the beis hamikdash was being destroyed...

In the handbook it speaks about the attitude one should take to this challenge. This is our avodah. through this challenge, we can truly dig the depths of our heart and give ourselves to Hashem - it is a privilege to have seen the cherubim embracing for us, so to speak. We can now take that deep knowledge that Hashem loves us even when we are low, and use it to reach great heights!

bruchim habo'im the chevrusa. learning with siyat dishmaya is geshmak.

Welcome. Yeah, those fears of getting caught can drive us insane. I find that the only thing that really works is to tell someone about what I am feeling, without attitudes and perspectives, just sharing what's going on. It sort of frees us. Posting can also help a bit, in a similar way.

All the best!!!!!

i think that what MT said is the answer
and i think that the way to go about it is with a mindset of avoiding anything that has to do with lust otherwise sooner or later there's probably going to be a fall.But if the whole topic of lust is off limits then there's no reason to say that we will ever fall again.
I have to say i'm super impressed with your progress so far, KUTGW