I wasnt going to post this, but I feel that it may help someone. maybe even me.. this is not a request, though inside I am pining for some comfort and reassurance. I have to live with that. and while I seem unsure, and certainly was unsure while writing, I am knocking my stat down from the wall. 45 was good. and next time maybe it'll be better. I also will turn the computer off right after, as with the other device. kol tov. hope youre doing better than me (even if I am doing good, I hope youre better
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I feel nauseas. I just found a hole in the (edited to avoid anyone else the pitfall) that I was trying. I'm not sure if I wanted to try it to find a hole, or to see if I could handle it. I couldnt.
It started by me having a hashkafic question:(also not for here) I came to the conclusion that I have no idea, that seforim discuss it, and that my heart knows that it is, so be ok with it.
I felt crooked. Not good, and out of line. things have been going so well, and I was really happy and ready to go forward.
then I had an urge while in the bathroom, but fought it out. kept placating the YH to do something else. then I came to my room. I thought about how I committed to not use the internet with a closed door. and then I turned on the internet. I found the hole. at first I refused. It was right there and I fled. I cant do that to my streak. I cant do that right now or ever to my kedusha, whatever there is. I cant do that to my neshama. and then I played with holes. and I found a big one. but I said no. I CANT DO THIS. and then I slipped. I had to know how big the hole was. it wasnt gigantic, but it was plenty big. big enough to crash. i knew I didnt want to, but I felt that when I find a hole, I am supposed to abuse it and feel bad after. that's my thing: I find a way around my safegaurds, but a new one. I've already committed against the old ones, and it would be cheap and too easy to mess with them (except when I get desperate and really stop caring, but that wasnt tonight). I thought about how I just said this afternoon that I am doing better, I thought about how I will not want to wake up tomorow. and then I thought about new keywords to type in, new ideas to test the holes in the filter. after a little while I finally quit. my eyes had been soiled enough. BH, the yetzer had rachmanus and it wasnt nearly as bad as it could have been (sort of like thank G-d I only took one sip of poison and not the whole bottle; I can be flushed out and feel hellish instead of die). I dont know what Hashem thinks of me right now, but I know that I am remorseful. I do want to do better. but I need something to help me deal with my inability to feel good, to have questions, to have urges and no clear, rational reason to say "no" (it's not really true that I dont have a rational reason, but if you delete spirituality, p/m wont literally kill me, though what it could lead to would). but to say "no" anyway. to accept the emes with THE capital Echad, and live with it/Him. I'm trying to mean these words, and to some degree, I mean them so much more than I ever have before. but I'm scared. I'm not freaking out, running away from my the device that caused me such pain. I'm thinking about whether the (assumed, however false) temporary pain and spiritual down that would follow such a move is worth the pleasure of releasing this tension, this build up of frustration and inability to feel, to express, to be. I am well aware that the answer is "no, it is not worth it", but this isnt a mind thing. this is an addiction thing. this a broken heart with scar tissue all over thing. this is a galus thing. a spiritual canary thing. this is something that I must break past, and must break past now. this is something I must allow Hashem to help me with, and to beg of Him that He does. this is something I must not fake, hoping it will be good enough to fool Him, or even me. this is something I must be sincere about, something I must say that I really dont want this, and that I really do want kedusha. I do. I havent brought that into my heart yet, and it's still my mind typing. this is something that I have to have the humility to say "I failed" without the caveat of "but not so bad", but with the other hand lifting me back up and saying "there's always tomorow to do better". maybe tomorow I can mean it. maybe tomorow Hashem will tell me, "Yeah, youre done with this. you past and have a clean slate. let's start the next nisoyan." and maybe I'll have the courage to accept the offer. or maybe I'll have the courage to look Upwards and say, "I get it, that I dont get anything. This is my nisoyan. It has been, it is, and it may be. it's not my only one, but I cant have my cake and eat it too because ultimately, it's what You want. not me. and I can only do what You want with Your help. but if I get to a point where I want what You want, then I can also be happy. with You." and maybe, kei'vyachel, He'll pat me on the back and say "that'a boy. that's what your Av bShamayim wants to hear." but until then...stay off the internet....