I wasnt going to post this, but I feel that it may help someone. maybe even me.. this is not a request, though inside I am pining for some comfort and reassurance. I have to live with that. and while I seem unsure, and certainly was unsure while writing, I am knocking my stat down from the wall. 45 was good. and next time maybe it'll be better. I also will turn the computer off right after, as with the other device. kol tov. hope youre doing better than me (even if I am doing good, I hope youre better )

I feel nauseas. I just found a hole in the (edited to avoid anyone else the pitfall) that I was trying. I'm not sure if I wanted to try it to find a hole, or to see if I could handle it. I couldnt.
It started by me having a hashkafic question:(also not for here) I came to the conclusion that I have no idea, that seforim discuss it, and that my heart knows that it is, so be ok with it.
I felt crooked. Not good, and out of line. things have been going so well, and I was really happy and ready to go forward.
then I had an urge while in the bathroom, but fought it out. kept placating the YH to do something else. then I came to my room. I thought about how I committed to not use the internet with a closed door. and then I turned on the internet. I found the hole. at first I refused. It was right there and I fled. I cant do that to my streak. I cant do that right now or ever to my kedusha, whatever there is. I cant do that to my neshama. and then I played with holes. and I found a big one. but I said no. I CANT DO THIS. and then I slipped. I had to know how big the hole was. it wasnt gigantic, but it was plenty big. big enough to crash. i knew I didnt want to, but I felt that when I find a hole, I am supposed to abuse it and feel bad after. that's my thing: I find a way around my safegaurds, but a new one. I've already committed against the old ones, and it would be cheap and too easy to mess with them (except when I get desperate and really stop caring, but that wasnt tonight). I thought about how I just said this afternoon that I am doing better, I thought about how I will not want to wake up tomorow. and then I thought about new keywords to type in, new ideas to test the holes in the filter. after a little while I finally quit. my eyes had been soiled enough. BH, the yetzer had rachmanus and it wasnt nearly as bad as it could have been (sort of like thank G-d I only took one sip of poison and not the whole bottle; I can be flushed out and feel hellish instead of die). I dont know what Hashem thinks of me right now, but I know that I am remorseful. I do want to do better. but I need something to help me deal with my inability to feel good, to have questions, to have urges and no clear, rational reason to say "no" (it's not really true that I dont have a rational reason, but if you delete spirituality, p/m wont literally kill me, though what it could lead to would). but to say "no" anyway. to accept the emes with THE capital Echad, and live with it/Him. I'm trying to mean these words, and to some degree, I mean them so much more than I ever have before. but I'm scared. I'm not freaking out, running away from my the device that caused me such pain. I'm thinking about whether the (assumed, however false) temporary pain and spiritual down that would follow such a move is worth the pleasure of releasing this tension, this build up of frustration and inability to feel, to express, to be. I am well aware that the answer is "no, it is not worth it", but this isnt a mind thing. this is an addiction thing. this a broken heart with scar tissue all over thing. this is a galus thing. a spiritual canary thing. this is something that I must break past, and must break past now. this is something I must allow Hashem to help me with, and to beg of Him that He does. this is something I must not fake, hoping it will be good enough to fool Him, or even me. this is something I must be sincere about, something I must say that I really dont want this, and that I really do want kedusha. I do. I havent brought that into my heart yet, and it's still my mind typing. this is something that I have to have the humility to say "I failed" without the caveat of "but not so bad", but with the other hand lifting me back up and saying "there's always tomorow to do better". maybe tomorow I can mean it. maybe tomorow Hashem will tell me, "Yeah, youre done with this. you past and have a clean slate. let's start the next nisoyan." and maybe I'll have the courage to accept the offer. or maybe I'll have the courage to look Upwards and say, "I get it, that I dont get anything. This is my nisoyan. It has been, it is, and it may be. it's not my only one, but I cant have my cake and eat it too because ultimately, it's what You want. not me. and I can only do what You want with Your help. but if I get to a point where I want what You want, then I can also be happy. with You." and maybe, kei'vyachel, He'll pat me on the back and say "that'a boy. that's what your Av bShamayim wants to hear." but until then...stay off the internet....

I'm so sorry about your fall. But that was so beautiful and eloquent. May Hashem accept your words and the true desires of your heart and keep bringing you closer to Him.

KOMT!!!

thanks.
so not once have I ever gone as far as I did yesterday without completing the fall within days. unfortunately, today is no exception . I strengthened the safeguard on the device that I was nichshol (or really, michshol) on last night, and as it started to not work every stronger than I had intended (divrei Kedusha not working), I got curious to see if last nights trickery would work. I need not say more...
I'm at the point where it's really starting to be my addiction or my life. I wish I could say that literally, and I'm not convinced that being regularly nichshol wouldnt lead to that. But spiritually, I cannot live like this. the 45 days until I tanked I was doing better, but spiritually I am still angry, haughty, selfish, and lots of other things. I cant seem to accept life, reality, or Emes. and there are external factors, and there are personality factors. but that is not an excuse. I have done it before. I can do it. but I cant with this klipos around me. I dont even blame them or the internet. My safeguards are such that no mistake just jumped out of nowhere I was a deer in headlights unable to escape. I was very methodically and intentionally dropping myself to the innards of a beast that I know damn well can kill. that I know does not have my well being. I am not clear minded to think straight after I fall. I am high, drunk, calm BECAUSE I had a dose of what keeps from dealing with things. if I said I had tried everything I would be lying through my teeth. not that I am so much above that, as almost every fall that has happened I have said I am just ___, or just ____, fill in whatever that given day's excse was. but I dont like lying to others, which is probably why I post here. so what
I have to do something. My idea, subject to change and without the obligation of a neder,all I have right now, is to add good thoughts and activities to my life (for whatever reason, Torah is not enough good, and it has to be more focused): journal and hisbodedus. each night, things: 1. something good that I did today. 2. something that went better than it could have. 3. something that went stam good. 4. a reason why my life is good. 5. a reason not to do bad (p/m or otherwise). 6. something I can do better tomorrow.
I would consider adding this to my Elokei Notzer, where Rabbi Dr Twerski said to insight things like this, but I think it might be better in the context of its own avoda. this is not about Avodas haKodesh. I mean, obviously it is, but Derech Eretz Kadmo lTorah. I need to be a functioning person before I can be Kadosh. so for now a journal. why do I share this? I need to know someone else is there. I was at a sichas mussar this eve where the Rav spoke about Haman's claim that we are scattered. well we are, but that isnt the ideal. I need to know someone else is out there with me in this. a chaver told me that he struggled with this before. that felt good to know. I didnt flat out say that I was, although I did mention that drugs were an issue in a previous gilgul. but I was actually able to cut drugs very quickly when I realized it was a problem. this is hard. but I didnt say I am also an addict. I dont like the term. it sounds silly to me. like, if all these other things werent so hard to get over, why cant I get past my hormones. but I cant. even if I were to say (chas vchalila) that I will masterbate every so often to help, a. I know it wont actually help, b. I know I'll wind up on the computer again. prn is not something I am ok with. it is not something I am proud of or that my self concept has any room for. I have to stop. how did I get to this point? I dont know. wish me luck. I'm starting tonight and going into the recesses of my heart. eek...

Wow, it sounds like your's going through a lot.
But remember, R' Yerucham says that the Y"H is located in the intellect (chochmah), only in simple, perhaps even naive, faith (emuna) are we safe from him. When I am trying to figure thigs out, I am always in a very dangerous place, I spent a decade trying to stop by getting to the bottom of the problem and dealing with it. Now I know that only Hashem can save me, and I try on giving up to him my life and will, that's way better for me.

I sure hope things get better soon, Hatzlochoh Rabbah.

And Welcome!!!!