Rabosai, achai, chaverai,

I know I haven't contributed much to the forum, but I have to write now. After more than 30 days clean -- a huge record for me -- I fell today, on Tzom Gedaliah, on the day after Rosh HaShanah. In all my years living with and fighting against this incarnation of the Yetzer, I don't think I've ever felt as sick about myself as I did just a few hours ago. I wish I could throw up my hands and ask, "How did this happen?" but I know how this happened. Most of the day I spent by myself, I was hungry and tired, I tried to sneak past my filter, I didn't go take a walk, I didn't pick up a tehillim, and I didn't call a friend. Like a tank, I simply plowed through everything that might stop me from destroying my target. And what target is that? Myself. My little neshamah that just had such a wonderful yontiff, and that now finds itself starting the year on the wrong foot.

Friends, I have a girlfriend, and I want to marry her. I've seen the way she peers into baby strollers when she passes them on the street or in the grocery store, and I know I've gotten into the habit of doing the same thing. For the past thirty-odd days, I just kept thinking about how earning a parnassah and raising a family with her would open a whole new world of mitzvos for me, and the very thought kept my eyes glued to the sidewalk, my hands away from anywhere sensitive, my computer on only very few websites. Now, I feel like scum. For me to marry her would be like chaining her to the Satan himself. Even if I manage 90 days -- and I am confident that I will -- who says I won't begin falling regularly again when we already have kids? I have the very unfortunate power to ruin someone's life, and I NEVER want to use it, certainly not on someone I believe to be my bashert.

What am I to tell her? Should I push her away? Should I try to spend more time with her? How can I promise her that I will be a proper Jewish husband, when I know I am not?

And if I can't even face another human, how can I face The King of Kings? How can I explain that I somehow found the energy masturbate on a fast day? I mean, it's just absurd. How can I go toward Yom Kippur like this?

Please...I need advice. And I certainly need chizzuk.

First of all, stop being so negative.

You broke 30 days. I've been at it for months and have yet to crack 25.
I fell on Tisha b'Av.
I'm not in a serious relationship, never was, and don't know when I will be.

So I have more to complain about than you but I don't. I lower my shoulder, grit my teeth, and keep on trucking.


How do you go toward YK like this?
With your head up.

Hey Brother,

I know the pain, been there done that.

What can I say, its painful to say the least, but but but, this is what the Y"H wants more then the sin on its own.

He wants you to knock yourself, he wants you to give up.

But you are here posting because you told the menuval that giving up aint an option, and that is what counts. That just comes to show who the real yoy really is.

You made great progress!

30 days is a big deal!

The Y"H doesn't like it & will do what it takes to get you down & show you what a loser you are.

He didn't give up on me after 130 days & trows a curve ball every now & then to test me.

Get up, shake yourself off, reread the hand books see what got you into this mess today & stay away from the dich next time.

Don't take a road that has a dich even if its at the end of that road.

Take a detor & keep back like it says on the fire trucks "500"! Five hundred feet!? What for? Yes! If there's a fire we can get burnt! Shmor Merchack! Stay Back far back & you have a better chance of not getting hurt.

Chazak V'Emuts
Efshar Letaken

You're doing very well. 30 days is great for starters! And addicts are tested the most on days like fast days when we feel uncomfortable with ourselves. We use the addiction to sooth our uncomfortable feelings, so when we are not medicating and feeling really uncomfortable, it is understandable that you were tested and fell. But don't let this get you down. Keep following the tools in the handbook, tool by tool. You'll beat this.

As far as your girl-friend, you should wait until you have 90 days under your belt, perhaps even a half a year, before proposing. And you should tell her that you struggled with these issues. See this page from Rabbi Twerski.

The fact you struggle with this doesn't mean you are tying her to the "satan". It means you have a great and holy soul that was given a difficult task. And you are learning how to give Hashem your heart. This struggle can help you jump many rungs of the spiritual ladder at once, if you use it right. Therefore, once you see some good success, you can be confident that you are on the path Hashem has set for your soul and you need not feel guilty at all about marrying a good Jewish girl.

Learn from the fall, and see what you can do to make better fences for next time.

Be well!

Thank you all for the chizuk. After a shower, a good night's sleep, and some Torah, I am feeling much better today. As much as it hurts to be back on Day 1, I feel better-prepared for anything that the Yetzer might throw my way.

Before I became frum, I used to be very involved in rock climbing. Though I never did any multi-day climbs, I frequently read accounts of them in books and magazines. According to these accounts, when you encounter a particularly difficult spot in a climb, you should look around for anything that was left behind by the climbers who passed the same way before you. Not infrequently, someone will leave behind a piece of gear or even inscribe a hint onto the rock face so that future climbers will know how to get past the tricky spot.

Beating the addiction is a cliff that takes a lifetime to scale, but 90 days at least gets us past the most difficult parts. And though I fell off the cliff after only thirty days, I acquired knowledge and experience in those days that I know will help me as I start ascending once more. Where did this knowledge come from? From all of you, who inscribed tips into the face of the rock at every difficult spot!

Thanks, folks; the climb is more fun with company. 

benavraham,

Don't beat up yourself too much and let the Yetzer Harah push you in the wrong direction. Listen to the Chizuk of everyone above. Like Efshar Letakin says, the Yetzer Harah "wants you to knock yourself, he wants you to give up."

The Taanaisim are hard days which lends itself more to acting out. For some people, the acting out actually gives them more energy and focus. That's that nature of this addiction.

Count the progress that you've made. Like someone else said, 30 days is nothing to sneeze at when dealing with this.

Keep at it! And get up again after a fall.

If you keep at it, like you are doing, you will see that "The frequency that you fall will diminish over time."

Nishmas

Benavraham

We can't stress this enough. If you were a bad person you would not be here on this site. You would be somewhere surfing and m**ing to your hearts content.

Why come here?

The people who come here come because they are good people, in fact although I can't prove this I think that a good percentage of the people here outside of this issue are respected as better then average members of their respective communities.

These people have a problem a serious problem that they want to beat more then anything else in the whole world. Granted they have ended up in this mess due to their own failings and shortcomings. They, however, regret their actions and desperately want to be free of this addiction.

You my friend are a good person (say it 10 times)

You have a flaw that you are aware of and are working on correcting and you are making progress. You didn't beat it in one shot (Shock of shocks) but progress you have made.

Of course, if you want you can decide that all is lost, you're a jerk, loser, reincarnation of the satan, break up with your girlfriend and stay in your bed all day moping about your sorry life, etc.

That will help.

Hi benavraham,

Your rock climbing moshel is beautiful and really taps at the essence of what these forums are all about.

Keep up the great work and congrats on the 30 days.

Stick around and share ... we are in this together.

-shomer

Dear BenAvraham,
You are not alone. I fell today after 3 weeks.
I know how you feel.
Momo

I know how you feel especially since I am already married, We should remeber that our recovery is not for anyone other than ourselves and how we connect to Hashem.
We marry to do Hashem's will not Asking Hashem to marry us so we can have our will done.
Just a thought,
SInce I was never ever able to change for anyone else and making myself feel guilty for them just reinforced acting out not to feel the pain.
Make today your Rosh Hashana, Or your pesach Sheni -Baderech Rechoka and Tamey and even Lachem but still Lamah nigarah we want to be close to our tateee!

Ok, now I'm really in trouble. I fell again today. Can someone point me to some tips for putting on the brakes when I might be close to a relapse?

are you in contact with anyone by phone?
I helps me TREMENDOUSLY to call someone before i fall. it's stopped me countless times.

only Hashem can truly understand how you feel although i can completely relate to the girlfriend situation.
everyone's situation is different though. I can tell you that you should ask a shaila when/if to tell her. you will have extreme confidence that you are following daas torah and will experience a great closeness with Hashem. I KNOW THIS IS TRUE.
it's also SUPER important to have at least 1 listener to help you through this now and when/if you decide to tell her. a good listener and also someone with some sobriety under their belt.
May you be zoche to the extreme closeness with Hashem that CAN come out of this situation and may you be zoche to the extreme simcha of becoming a chassan to the right girl at the right time with CLARITY!!!! Hatzlacha rabah!
remember: BIYADO AFKID RUCHI- let go and let G-D!

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