Over a year later since my last post and many ups and downs, clean streaks of teshuvah then falling. Its been back and forth like this for so long that I don't think Hashem is even listening anymore because I keep crying wolf. I can't seem to stop falling and the SSA issue is getting worse. I've fallen more times over the past 2 months than ever before. I hate myself for it. I resent my life and who I'm becoming....which is nothing but a recluse who stays occupied with what is considered evil in Hashem's eyes. I'm very aware of my talents and strengths, the worse part is that despite how great people think I am, I can't accept the 'good name' w/ positive self image because of who I really am and because of these stupid taavos. I'd rather have never been born than to feel forever imprisoned in this inauthentic life.
The YH is tearing me apart and ITS NONSTOP....meaning no matter how hard I try to divert my attention, learn Torah or pray, the thoughts and the obsession to act on the SSA gets stronger....it won't even let up for a minute. Why is this happening to me when I want to change so bad?

Wanting to change did me no good until i made some changes. The handbook lists many tools that have helped me and others to break free and begin to live life. Each tool follows the previous one. The handbook says to keep adding tools until you find what works for you. Have you done this?

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Ive read the handbook, but its been awhile...I'll check it out again. It didn't help then and I doubt it will help now, considering that not even 10 hour Torah learning helps like I thought it would.

What about "Life"?
An important cornerstone in "Chassidus" is "chaburah", do you have friends, life, a job/yeshiva?

Stick around here, we love you and want to help.

hi chasid,
please stick around here. you will find that you are not alone in your struggles or in your self-perceptions.
change doesn't happen overnight but if you keep at it eventually you will see improvement.
wishing you much hatzlocha
keep us posted please
zs

dear chasid84, permit me to say something here - when i read your post this is what i see: a person who is truthful with themselves and will not accept honor where you think it's not due. well, are you aware how many people are not honest with themselves? the chovos halvevos says a person should NEVER accept praise for himself, because the person himself knows things tha the person complimenting you doesn't know.
i wish more people (jews included) were like you!
you have an addiction? so do many thousands, jews and non-jews.that's why AA was started - to help people like you and me and everybody else here and elsewhere.so keep cool, keep posting, and make contact with a human being somewhere on this site or anywhere else that you can find that will help you. HATZLACHA RABA M'EOD!!!

jack

Hi Chassid84, welcome (back)!

Know that there are plenty of others with you in that part of the boat. I know your struggle and your pain all too well....

All I can say is that we are on this world to struggle with the tasks that Hashem has assigned us, and He knows we are not perfect, He made us, didn't He? He does not expect perfection, just for us to "Give it All You Got" (I just heard that song from 8th Day and it's awesome!)

And don't get hung up on "who I really am". You you are is a holy Yid with a precious Neshama, and you have been given a special mission. That which you desire may seem to be overwhelming your life, it may be something you want sooooo badly, but it is not "who you are".

If you haven't seen them already, here is my thread: http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4125.0

And here is another great thread dealing with SSA: http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4612

Stick around, KOP&MT!!!

Gevura!

i have tried twice to post a response and the server has not connected. DUH maybe what i had to say is not what should be said.
Therefore all i will post is:
i hope you find the help you need to overcome what ails you.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov

You might wish to try cognitive therapy. I have some experience with other approaches. This one is the best for me so far.

Maybe read "Feeling Good" by David Burns to get an idea of what's involved.

Chasid84

Welcome, your in the right place.

Hopefully this time you wont wait a year to post again? ;D

Anyhow, I relate and many others relate to what you wrote, feeling low hypocritical, G-d hates me. Its alot to deal with if you try to tackle it all at once. So for now why dont you try reading the handbook again, but this time dont be focusing on how much STRENGTH and FORCE your going to put into fighting. Its not about fighting harder, yes you need a strong resolve, but your not fighting lust. Fighting it is like telling yourself you dont want something that you DO want. Which can drive you crazy. Try letting go of lust. Do that by thinking of how youll feel AFTER the act. CALL people. get out and get moving dont lay around all day bored out of your brains. (Whenever I get weak and dont do these things Im pretty much guaranteed a fall)

Hatzlacha and WELCOME!!!!!!!
Were all here to help

Hey chassid84 - I just did my homework and looked up the posts you were referring to that you wrote a year ago. You never mentioned anywhere in them that I could see that your problem was mainly about same-sex attraction. It was all about zera levatola.

I am wondering what changed in the interim. Feel free to clarify, chaver. It may help you or others here. Thanks.

With lots of love and respect for you (like all the other people posting here),

Dov

That you all so much for the chizuk, as you could tell I really needed it. The YH makes me feel like I'm completely alone and the only frum yid who struggles with this. Its comforting to know that I'm not alone. I'll have to make sure to stay connected and grow together with the chevra.

Dov- When I wrote the post last year, I wasn't comfortable discussing the SSA issue (which has been the forefront of my addiction since age 12). But now that its got me down so low I had to open up for help.

Everyone has given some great advice. The initial sting after falling is subsiding, but yesterday was really tough. As soon as the thought/temptation comes, its like I fall into a trance and can't stop ....its kinda creepy.
Im seeing how the way I view myself makes a big difference in teshuvah and avodah. Today is a new start... one day at a time.

Gevura wrote on 08 Aug 2012 17:53:


Gevura- Strong eitzah! The YH wants me to forget that Hashem created me in His image and that he knows I'll try my best. It makes me wonder though: if Hashem created me with this taavah and He doesn't expect perfection, why am I stuck with so much internal conflict of trying to be clean while accepting the possibility of never being clean?

What do you mean "why am I stuck with so much internal conflict"?

Just because Hashem doesnt expect perfection doesnt mean that he wants you to stay where you are. The way I look at it is like stairs, your job is to climb. You dont have to get to the top of the steps just the next one, and if you stop going up, then your automatically going down. For that a better Mashal would be walking up a down escalator. Once you stop climbing your on the way back down.




I think thats pretty normal, you have to be aware of whats going on inside yourself and take some action BEFORE that stage.

chassid84 wrote on 10 Aug 2012 14:22:


First, regarding your response to Gevura's eitza. You wrote
This is just ah kashya of'n a mayseh, as they say in Yiddish - you don't waste time asking such a kashya, the saying goes, because the maysa was that way, period. It's just a fact. This is nothing personal and you are for sure a great guy! But it couold be that 'asking why' is only whining, so it is of no help to you at all. Like asking why you are short (if you would be)..."why?" What kind of question is that?

Look, I know the lamdon in us rebels against that - "Wadaya mean, 'what kind of question is that?' - it's a great question! If I just figure it all out and see why I react poorly or exactly how my reasoning is flawed, then I'll be able to finally fix it all up and get better!"

Really?

Our actual history usually indicates otherwise. When many of us look at our real past honestly, we see that it was actually the best thinking we could muster up, that led us into exactly the mess we are in. Are there really major facts regarding the rightness or wrongness of our using masturbation or porn that we are not aware of? Doubtful. We always knew we must not do x, y, and z, we always knew we'd feel terrible afterward; always knew it was not really the solution to our trance or troubles. And we did it anyhow! And when the sting of yesterday's fall wears off and the time is 'right' (when we really feel we really need it badly) - we will do it again, anyhow. Apparently, more clarity will not save us...maybe it will save you, I do not know. So I hope you try it hard. And if it fails, then I remind you that "Insanity is trying the same thing over and again, expecting a completely different result," they say. "Think it through and beat it"...really? Unlikely.

So if we have turmoil, and yet Gevurah's principle is true - I suggest to you that our solution begins with recognizing that our thinking and feeling and reacting is a bit broken - that what we feel is not an accurate portrayal of reality. In other words, G-d's reality. We do not intuitively 'feel' and 'think' the truth when it comes to lots of things, especially lust. Quite the contrary - we often react to boredom with frantic obsession, we often react to failure with more obsession, and we react to success with smug overconfidence and fall flat on our faces wondering how that happened. Welcome to the club.

So now, what? Good question.

Second, you demonstrated a big thing. We do not open up about what the main issue is, until we feel we absolutely need to. As long as guys feel they can get away with writing things like "I was R"l nichshal in zera levatola"...they are still far more concerned with saving face than they are with getting better. Actually, if they are anything like me, they are actually mainly terrified with actually quitting! Giving it up is so scary for us - especially if we are addicts. Our secret rendezvous with our sweet little pretend friends in the porn, has always been our Ace-in-the-hole. Our private vacation from reality. And reality - especially as an adolescent or young adult male - can be pretty scary, lonely, and daunting. Nu.

So you finally gave up on hiding behind fake concerns and got out the real issues to the light.

You will find some success now, be"H. Because chosamo emess. He knows that used care are not just "pre-owned" - they are used. Calling our problem one thing when it is actually another will only ensure failure. For Hashem is not there!

Finally, you write
and it makes me wonder if by clean, you mean "never masturbating again".

Is that what you mean?

So let me get this right. If Hashem showed you your future and it was with you clean for the next two years, then a fall, then clean for a few decades, and you c"v fell at the age of 61 (we do, do that sometimes, you know...this problem does not magically disappear for zaidy's)...and then you'd be clean the next few years and maybe fall again once before your number comes up....you would find that unacceptable?

As things stand right now, are you are having sex with yourself on a weekly - or maybe daily - basis? What is it? Lets say it's weekly...that's 52 times a year having sex with yourself....over the next 70 years that's 3640 wastings of sperm....and only three times over the rest of your entire life is not a great deal?!

I am not saying that masturbating three times is 'no big deal'. What I am saying is that sanity calls for perspective here, and admitting what you and I 'deserve'. We - you and I - do not deserve 'perfection'. so we need to let it go and stop demanding it. Or else we will pay lip service to the old adage. "reach for the stars and at least you won't get your hands stuck in the mud," but all the while will be tearing ourselves to pieces inside, forcing ourselves to self-medicate because of our own inability to accept the life Hashem is giving us.

Do you get me?

Hatzlocha chaver. Do you want to change, or stay in your comfort zone and keep the same old thing? This is a different perspective for you....or you can keep comparing it against the broken ruler you have been using that got you in this mess from the age of 12...

- Dov

IMHO this whole discussion is missing the point. What you need to focus on is the feeling of powerlessness. That is why you masturbate, that is why you fold.

You can get rid of it if you do cognitive therapy.

Read the book and / or get a cognitive therapist.