In no way am I being contentious here. I am merely sharing my very limited, very one-sided, personal experience and bringing up another perspective on the "powerlessness" thing. I and may others have found that used properly, it is the most powerful tool they have for sobriety and recovery. So, be"H:
1- I am an addict and can explain to anyone exactly what I mean by that. And I am powerless to control and enjoy lust. And I am sober for many years one day at a time, be"H.
2- My SA sponsor told me that "
once an addict always an addict" is simply
not known to be true - it is only an
assumption most of us recovering addicts make in order to have a better chance of
remaining humble and honest with ourselves. And it
helps us remain sober by helping us take fewer risks (gayvoh of course leads to risk-taking - go ask your nearest invincible teenage boy!). It also helps us question our motives rather than making excuses for taking 'certain liberties'. It
works for us, so we
use that adage - even though we do not
know it to be true and never will. In a way, it's a matter of 'faith' - there is evidence, so we believe it to be true, but do not claim to
know. So we do not throw it in anyone's face. Saying we
know it to be true would be just hubris, as far as I am concerned. One needs to be a little humble about humility, you know, if one needs to
keep it...
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
So I understand well why people would rightly be insulted and upset about those pompous recovery guys (and I mean that seriously) who throw that line at them: "You are always going to be a powerless loser against lust!" Gevalt. How do
they know? Maybe this guy is not an addict to begin with! And maybe some addicts
are healed and
can regain the ability look at porn a little, or masturbate a little, or voyeur a little, and get away with it without getting all consumed by it and out of control. For
that is the opposite of what being powerless is, right?
True, Hashem tells us it is very bad for us and for the world when we c"v do these immoral things -
and that is what He made Teshuvah for! But all that is for the
normal people. Addicts usually come to see that there
is no "Teshuvah" that will spring them from this terrible bind they are in. We usually come to see that there is no evidence that we will soon be able to use, enjoy, and
control lust - all our personal experience indicates is that it will always overcome us and mess our lives up somehow. And I wager that if our wives knew all the extent and details of our stories from the beginning, they would emphatically agree with that!
An addict who
has Step 1 knows he needs to stop because
he needs to stop.
Not because it is an aveiroh - but because
he cannot successfully control it (like normal people can) and he cannot successfully manage his own life any more.
Not so for the average frum, guilty masturbater. He may not be an addict at all - so how the heck could we throw "powerlessness" at him? It's irresponsible and irrelevant. And nederman is right in that it can be damaging for a non-addict.
3- The adage "Once an addict...blah, blah", is also poweful tool for the typical new guy who gets a week or 90 days of clean time and keeps losing it because he goes and figures he is "better now" - he really does feel powerful, healthy, healed, etc. and that's great! - and he acts out. This happens all the time - just look at how many guys say
exactly that.
I say that this happens simply because by "I am
healed" or "I am
no longer an addict" the fellow actually means that now he is
normal. And the truth is that normal guys are able to look at porn a litle and not have dire consequences. Normal guys do not perpetually end up masturbating over it, or having an affair over it, or end up driving around following women a little here and there (again!) for the next few days over it, or whatever. It does not become an
obsession. But
he does.
That's not normal.
4- And Hashem in His Torah repeats over and over that we as Jews - all Jews, even non-addicts of course - are to accept that we cannot manage our own lives. Dependence on G-d is perhaps the most important basis of Yiddishkeit. Dependence that leads to
empowerment. Dependence with bitachon to try, and try hard. To fight hard because we know He will help us and that He is in charge so it'll be OK. So AA did not invent this basic idea of the 3rd step.
5- I know that
I cannot afford to act out my lust, and can explain why I can't, to anyone. And it has nothing to do with issur or the Torah's halachos.
6- In 15 years of practicing and sharing my recovery in SA, I have never met a single addict in recovery who has sanctioned or excused his acting out because of an
acceptance of his powerlessness, b"H. Many
explain their failures that way - but
none say, "well, then I guess it's out of my hands," or, "I therefore bear no personal responsibility for my actions." Gevalt. For if they did see it that way, why would they still be coming to SA meetings any more in the first place? Plenty guys drop out - most, actually - and the guy who keeps coming back
must still think his behavior is very wrong and still be trying to discover how to stop, no? SA's White Book reads that "the only requirement for membership [in SA] is a sincere desire to stop lusting." - not "
a sincere desire to accept that we are excused from responsibility because we can't stop anyway."
7- It is
not OK to use porn and to masturbate, for many reasons. But the only reason that
really matters is
the one that gets a guy to stop.
So if cognitive therapy will help you stop - GO FOR IT, MAN!!
But what is this fellow's
motivation to quit, really? I think it matters. If it is because the
damage of doing an aveira pains him more than he can bear, then I understand fully and can relate fully and he could use the 12 steps just fine. But then I expect he feels exactly the same way about
any serious aveira, not just a
sexual one...
There is no single, supreme way to get 'better', or recover, or whatever we want to call it. And there is no homogeneity of GYE people. GYE is for
many to come and share, and I just want to point out that there are other ways to view the "powerlessness" issue.