I am a 21 year old male. I grew up completly religious and I am still frum. I am attending college, and my major is Social Work. I am struggling with my attraction to men. It causes me to do many sins. It brings me to call gay hotlines, watch gay porn (videos, picures, movies) which eventually leads me to masturbation. I want to move on. I am seeing a therapist, but I know from past experience that there is no greater help (for me) then having someone by my side that knows exactly what I am going through and is living through this terrible struggle. I am starting this thread because I just started visiting GuardMyEyes.com I hope together with other members we could come up with different ways to help each other, and give each other chizuk. I would also like to join a chat room specifically for people who are also struggling with this and have a MAJOR will to overcome with. Please keep this thread going and I wish everyone struggling with this great test much Haslacha in pulling through because Hashem only gave us this test knowing WE could withstand it! We will withstand this test no matter what it takes.

Welcome!
You certainly have your work cut out for you, but judging from your quote, you're up to the task. It's one thing to have SSA. People live with that. Not easy, but do-able. It's another thing to be gay. As Gevura explains, gay means adoption of the homosexual lifestyle and philosophy. It's still another thing to be addicted to videos, etc., regardless of who's in the movie or on the other end of the phone.

Take a look at this thread in which some of these issues are discussed:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4612.0 />
Regarding setting up a chat room for guys with SSA, not sure that's such a good idea. I do think it's helpful to have someone you can talk to with similar struggles. But not a whole room full! You also want to be around heterosexuals who are struggling with sexual sobriety. We are all in this together. I think you'll do better with this balance. Just my opinion.

Good to have you with us, and yasher koach for taking this big step!
Alex

Don't know anything about SSA, but I was tremendously impressed by the sincere desire to change that you expressed. I wish all of us "regular" sex addicts would have that attitude for our relatively simpler issues.

I also liked what Alex said that it may be helpfull to be in touch with people struggling with other forms of sexual issues, it's probably all connected (?).

All the best!!!!

Hi SY and welcome!

I am in the same boat with you (even though I am much older) and I understand very well how hard this can be. I came here last year thinking I was the only frum homosexual out there, and when I found that I was not alone it was the greatest Chizuk. And having others to share with, and who understand and accept my struggle, has been one of the most important tools in working towards change.

As Alex already pointed out, just because we have same-sex attractions and it seems that it has taken over our whole life, does not mean that we need to accept it as our identity. As deeply as it may be ingrained, whether we were born this way or our environment growing up made us develop it, it may be what we are drawn towards, but it is not WHO we are! We do not need to take on the label that society wants to impose on us, to convince us that we have no choice but to give in to our desires. Hashem gave us Bechira, and we can choose to define ourselves by what He wants us to be. He gave us this unusual and powerful test, and He wants us to do our best to live up to the challenge. So the title of your thread says it well, fighting the "gay identity" is one of the major keys to this struggle.

And the obsessing and fantasizing and acting out, that is really no different that what all the "straight" guys here have to deal with. Same story, different pictures. We're all fighting the same battle. So browse the site, read the handbook and the tools, sign up for the emails, and most of all stick around and participate! Together we will Truck!!!

Gevura!

P.S. If you want to see my whole story it's here: http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4125.0

ALex- thank you, you have made a good point I didnt mean that I took on the gay lifestyle and the philoso.... I meant that I am atttracted to men and my problem is every time I fall even if it is after having a very well improvement I fall in a deeper whole then I was in before.

I must keep pushing but I have a very hard time believing that one day I will be able to get married and have children...to take the next step in life. I will never in my life live with another man as man and husband thats forsure bc what willl my life be then? nothing it will be wasted completly. I must move forward and keeep davening to Hashem that I will be able to one day get married and have a family of my own and raise them to serve Hashem properly. I hope we continue this thread

Sy,

Just wanted to say that your thread - and specifically your last post - is so inspiring. I can see how committed you are to yiddishkeit and how badly you want to do ratzon hashem. We all (definitely me) have so much to learn from you.

I hope we can be in touch.

dov- thank u so much much you gave me a very big chizuk! what are some steps u have taken to overcome this problem? anything u could share?

Hey Sy,

I'm so sorry u r going thru all this. I know this quote well. See my story. I'm a married with kids but I deal with this daily.

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4612.0 />I haven't posted in months but I felt ur pain and had to say something. First thing u need to realize is that is is a crazy tough nisayon and the fact that u r falling now doesn't make u a bad person. Hashem gave us this nisayon as a means to "fast trak" a real connection to him but just trying to do our best. Sy u didn't ask for this and u can only deal with cards that hshem dealt u. The fact that u r reaching out is the first victory in ur nisayon. Its not black and white with our nisayon each small victory is huge. I'm pulling for u and I know ur struggle first hand.

MN

mynisayon- I read your story and i am very inspired. you wrote very well. I also suffer from terrible OCD and as somebody replied to your story in your "introduce" article that a lot of being able to stop has to do with being able to control your obsessive thoughts and break those patterns that keep telling u 2 give into the desires. I wish you continued haslacha and much nachat from your chidren and a wonderful marriage. please keep in touch. put me on your buddy list

Sy wrote on 17 Jul 2012 23:14:


A college friend who is a recovering drug addict founded a program for drug addicts who also have mental illness. It's called "double trouble in recovery." He basically just rolls the mental illness into the 12 steps, surrendering not only the addiction, but also the mental illness to Hashem.

His 12 steps can be seen here:
www.scshare.com/downloads/12Steps.pdf />
Sy wrote on 17 Jul 2012 19:33:


Women really are a lot of fun!
But seriously, part of the reason you're having difficulty imagining being with a woman is because for you sex is all about lust. It's one and the same. Someday you will understand that sex is a way to connect with the woman you love. It's a special shared experience that brings you closer. But first we need to stop seeing people as lust objects. When we can start seeing people as the wonderful human beings that they are, we can begin to like and even love them for the right reasons.

When you're with your true bashert, you will be happy to enjoy her. The desire will be there.

reading all these posts is telling me at least one thing - we are all struggling and suffering.may Hashem see this and understand that we are suffering because we want to do His will - if we weren't frum we wouldn't care even a little bit! the world today believes that anything you want to do is acceptable.but not for us.success? sure success is better than failing.but there is much worth in the struggle as well.'dorshei Hasem lo yachsru kol tuv' it does NOT say those who FIND Hashem, it says those who seek Hashem.I wish hatzlacha to all including myself.
jack

Jack, that was one of the nicest posts I've seen on this forum in a long time (and there are many great posts here!).

I couldn't have said it better myself. You summed up GYE and true, proper yiddishkeit perfectly. Thank you!

thank you for replying.at this point, there is really nothing new to be said, this idea has been said before.the only thing to do now is hear repetition until the fine ideas posted here finally make their way into our minds, bodies and hearts - this takes time.of course, the faster the better.but if it goes slow, it's ok, as long as we are moving in the forward direction.and if we move backwards a little now and then, we have to realize that this is part of the process.no progress is made in a straight line up.attitude is just as important as our deeds.
to all - my best wishes from the bottom of my heart - a fellow sufferer and struggler
jack