Words can't describe the pain I'm in. I went from 9 months clean to falling weekly, sometimes daily now. It feels like all the amazing freedom and spiritual gifts that I gained are lost. I feel like my neshamah is in exile and as write this i want to cry. I'm so hurt and and broken. I lie here and my wife is next to me. The most beutiful and caring soul I ever knew. The only person in my life who i can really trust and who I feel really loves me. Yey I continue to act out and put our relationship at risk. I'm hurting guys. Please help...I can't do this alone. And Daddy if you're out there, please see my tears and save me.

Feeling your pain, brother.
Are you still working your program? If you are, then nothing is lost, you're just experiencing a setback.
If you're not, what are you complaining about?
xxoo
Mottel

I hear you. It is indeed quite painful.

Once you are done crying, get up, dust yourself off and DO something that will really make a difference. You sound like you have the motivation, you just need to translate it into action.

Hatzlacha rabbah!

Can you tell us about your nine clean months? How clean were they?
Then can you tell us what happened?

Hey guys. Thanks you so much for your words of chizuk. Hashem is truly the mechayeh hameisim because in just 24 hours I have gone from feeling that all is lost to feeling a renewed sense of hope and strength, and feeling close to Hashem. I know he's here for me and i know you guys are too. I saw a beutiful nesivos shalom where he talks about about the way to ahavas Hashem is through loving others. I feel that you guys are helping me to learn that through being there for me. As far as action is concerned I'm going to start going to live meetings again and I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow. I'm also doing the phone meetings and starting therapy again God willing this week. I'm going to keep doing everything I can to connect with others and include others in my recovery even though it can be very scary. It may sound crazy to hear but I think the last few weeks or so, as painful and tumultuous as they have been, have been one of the best things that have happenned to me. Why? Because the foundation of my recovery was faulty. I as isolating and not really allowing myself to really connect to others. Major fear of rejection. Sure I was connecting to God, talking to him, crying to him on an almost daily basis, but it's as if God told me: "I love you and I love your cries, but I want you to connect others. I want you to work I your fear of rejection and intimacy and really connect. It's been hurting you for so long and now your ready to finally heal." He gave me a true awakening. And yes it is scary for me to admit I depend in people for my happiness and recovery. I'm afraid if loss, rejection, etc....but I know that if I work in the fear it will get better. I've had many ups and downs in my recovery but this time it's so clear to me that this is truly a yeridah Lezorech Aliyah. Thank you Hashem for allowing me to see this and thank you my brothers in recovery for being there for me. We are in this together. My success is your success and vice versa. Hashem will help us all!

Omein to Hashem helping us.
A resounding YAY on your renewed commitment.
Stay with us, brother, we will see miracles together.
Mottel

Sounds very good!
Onward and upward!

Good to hear. Keep us posted.

Dear WMP,

You're gevaldig! Nine months is yours to keep. Now you can focus not only on the "sur mera", i.e. the causes that led to your fall which you need to avoid in the future; but even more important, the "va'say tov", i.e. your great derech that got you through nine months. You need to polish up those techniques and be"H you shold be "moisif vehoilech".

MT

Shalom Alecha, WMP.
I recall how i fell some months ego after 7 months being clean. i remember the pain. as if you would understand that nothing will ever help. bad feeling.
Hatzlocho. KOT, don't give up.