I've been posting on this forum for a couple of months, and have a question.

I'm a 23 year old male recovering sex addict, and have always been attracted to women. Recently, however, while under hypnosis, I uncovered a deep feer that I may be "gay." This fear has no basis in reality, (i.e. I have no emotional, physical or sexual attraction to men) but has turned me into a real emotional wreck for the last month.

In a chizuk email a few days ago it was said "Unfortunately, lust addiction can often lead to - or be interconnected with SSA
(same sex attraction)."

Can someone explain, or lead me in the direction of those who can explain through experience, how lust addiction can often lead to SSA?

I've been a real wreck, and really anxious and confused about all this.

Please help Chevra.

Relax, friend.
And re-read what I wrote in your last thread about the same issue.

As lust addicts, we crave new forms of stimulation to get our high. This may take the form of more explicit pics, videos, kinkier fantasies, and even more forbidden fruit, such as SS.

If you're afraid of developing SSA, maybe use it as a motivation to stay clean of lust.

Hi
I appreciate your concern, although I got over my fear of being "gay" and fail to see the big deal (with my new found wisdom ).
I think that when they say that lust addiction can lead to SSA, the mean the following:
As lust addicts, we look for outlets for our obsession. It begins with masturbating, usually, and slowly progresses from fantasizing about real girls to fantasizing with unreal girls in pictures and videos to (sometimes) having sex with strangers or sex workers etc. As with any addiction, there is an addictive proccess:
Abstinence, Tolerance, Withdrawal.
Abstinence means we cannot imagine ourselves without our drug of choice (vodka, cocain, pot, or sex with ourselves).
Withdrawal means we suffer physical consequences when we abruptly stop using.
Tolerance (and this is the point here) means we need more quantity of our drug and more frequent use to get to the same level of high we used to get with a smaller dose.
In the case of lust addiction, we eventually wear out all excitement from heterosexual porn and fantasy and have to start resorting to other types of sexual excitement. It may mean more people involved in the act, or use of fetishes, or scenes depicting same sex individuals involved in the sex act. It may even lead one to farm animals or depitctions of violence and rape. All of this is not because the person is inherently deviant in his sexual expression but rather because we have exhausted all other methods of getting our groove on, and must resort to newer and more exciting stuff to get us going.
SO:
If we catch our lust addiction early enough and start dealing with it in appropriate ways while our high is still generated by lingerie catalogues, we will not end up searching for hours on end for that perfect man-on-man scene to get our fix some years later.
So the short of it is:
If you are not attracted to men sexually now, and you will curb your appetite for lust and self-pleasuring now, I can't imagine you'll develop a taste for it later in life.
Does that help any?
Mottel

See Ramban (Devarim 29:18) who says clearly that one who lusts heavily for pretty women, will consequently develop a desire to have relations with a ‘zochor’ and a ‘behemo’.

Hashem yishmereinu!

MT

@Alex: Thanks for the response (again :p). I think I need to post more often and start feeling more a part of the community, rather than just frantically posting my anxieties and fears up for everyone to see. I like your idea of using this as a motivation to stay clean.

@Mottel: That helps sooo much! Those really are words of wisdom, I think I should memorize them and chisel them into my mind forever. Thanks for your words.

@Macshovo: I will certainly have a look at that Ramban.

Any other pearls of wisdom from anyone?

There's a big difference between having SSA Tayvos, even very strong ones, and "being gay".

It is true, as Alex and Mottel (and the Rambam) point out, that lust addiction can lead to SSA, as a person becomes more and more desperate for ever stronger stimulation to satisfy their craving. And eventually they may fall into SS, and they may even get heavily involved in it. But that does not mean they are "gay".

Even those of us who developed our SSA early on, together with, and maybe even before, our lust addiction, and for us it is our primary, and maybe even exclusive attraction. And it may seem inevitable to conclude that we were "born this way". Even if that is so, it does not mean we are "born gay" and are condemned to live that life. Yes, we may have been born with the personality traits and risk factors, and into an environment (family and friends, or lack thereof) that fostered this tendency. But nobody is forcing us to act on it. It's a Nisayon, a very difficult one at times, but it can be overcome.

Being "gay" means that one has chosen to embrace and live that lifestyle. And choosing not to give in to the tayvos, even though they exist and may be very strong, simply means that one can have SSA but not identify as "gay".

So T4C, yes it is theoretically possible that the addiction could become so overwhelming that it could lead you to indulge in SSA, although if it hasn't happened yet, and you are on a path of recovery, it probably won't. But even so, it will not make you become "gay" unless you let it.

And please refer back to what I PMed you a few weeks ago about what I believe the fear really comes from. (with your permission i might quote it her, or you can if you want.)

Gevura!

@Gevura: Thanks for your response.

This was your comment about the cause of this fear:

"I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I think that it goes back to the self-esteem thing. Calling someone or something 'gay' has always been used as an insult or a put-down. (As much as contemporary political correctness is full of "tolerance" and "acceptance", the vast majority of people still have a deep-seated loathing for it.) Perhaps you were even taunted that way in the past. So if you have feelings of inferiority it makes sense that it might express itself that way. It does not mean that you actually have such an attraction in you."