1. Oh, understood.
2. I tried a lot of things, too. When you say you tried the 12 steps do you mean that you actually went to meetings and took a sponsor who shared with you how he worked the 12 steps and worked them, or do you mean you read them and tried to use them on your own? If you must assume I am judgemental, then that's your loss, not mine. All I hope for is understanding and communication of experience with a fellow man and Jew - not to convince you of anything, and certainly not to gain license to say, "Well, if that's all you did, then you didn't
really try the 12 steps."
I am not (thank-G-d) unsettled by your writing. But I do care, and I do not judge you, and I am living a miracle of G-d's Grace ('Chesed' if you prefer) as of this very day. So I share.
If you have suggestions for me, I'll accept them!
3. I never felt you were hitting me over the head with anything. I was concerned that you were hitting yourself over the head with them. But I was wrong. That's all. You and I are both comfortable in our paths and life is going well a day at a time, thank-G-d.
Finally, I must tell you something that may seem funny to you:
You say you have an issue with the 'powerlessness' idea. Guess what? I do too! I'd
never,
ever accept it. It is a big challenge for not just you, but for me, and for
everybody I meet with a sex addiction or habit, or whatever-you-want-to-call-the-thing-rotting-their-lives-from-the-inside. And it probably should be.
The only reason I
do accept it is because
I was forced to under the weight of my own 22 years of personal struggling experience....at the age of 35.
It is not a belief that I have, at all. It's just a fact that is proven to me beyond my choice.
Funny. As long as accepting my inability to manage my own life was left up to my choice, I played the game, theorized and tried, cried, etc. Once my will was finally broken, I no longer had the intellectual
choice to keep pretending.
To use a funny Mahara"l: The Gemorah states that G-d held a mountain over the heads of the Jewish people and said He'd crush them if they would not accept the Torah. Mahara"l writes that when it says He threatened to kill them, it means that He made it
so clear to them that the Torah is true, that they felt they
had no choice left but to accept it. To them it became as irrevocable as choosing life vs death - not
really a matter of choice. When faced with death, we do basically
anything to stay alive, even things we would normally be very ashamed to do...like walk into an AA or SA meeting, for example
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
. Same with accepting the Torah, for them. Not
really a 'choice'.
And the Mahara"l says G-d did this
even though they said "na'aseh v'nishmah"! He wanted Torah to be something a person sees he really does not have a choice but to accept. Cuz it's G-d's mind. His Will is not ours to accept or deny. We can play and pretend with philosophy to 'determine' whether G-d exists...!? But He knows that He does. Game over.
I would never have come up with the detestable idea of powerlessness, and it is far, far out of my 'comfort zone'. Besides, it's such a religious can of worms. But the fact remains that I did not stop even though I wanted to for at least 15 years. How many things does a guy have to try - and how much of his life needs to get flushed down the toilet
while he tries - until he finally is brought to his knees and is broken in the face of his problem....and then before His G-d? I went to at least 5 rabonim and three shrinks, got married, read books about sexual addiction and 12 steps, read Twerski, talked to R/Dr Twerski on the phone, admitted it to my wife, very nearly died behind the wheel, used mikvah, Tikkun Klali, etc, etc....am I to wait as one guy out there says, "Oh! but you did not try Submerged Hypnotic Infusion Therapy!"? (woops!) :o :
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smile.png)
Or that I need to drink only Wheatgrass Tea?
It's
not respectable, true. But I admit that I failed and
am a failure at winning the battle with lust. I am a failure at running my own life. When I try my very best to run my life, it revolves around really good sex, or not having really good sex. And my problem is not sex! It is living life on Life's terms, period. I am a failure at that and need a miracle to succeed. So far, it's going OK as long as I take my 'medicine'...
Hey, guess what? The Torah teaches us that after 120 you and I will
both be losers: we will lose the battle against death. Heck, we cannot even keep our bodies, families, and lives! We
are losers in that sense. Here, too, I am one of G-d's (favorite) losers, and He loves me and gives me this great, growing life that is
way beyond anything I could have dreamned up! Anytime you'd like, I'd tell you (only on the phone, cuz of all the self-identifying info involved) all the ways my life - our life - has improved since I was given the gift of sobriety for a day. And it's been over 15 years of days, so far.
And He did all that for a decent man man who is also a pervert and loser (me). Obviously He loves,
loves,
loves me and always offered the help - and I was finally willing to take it
from Him when I masturbated enough and got into enough trouble.
And I'd also be happy to detail to you exactly how my sexual acting out brought me to
have to conclude that I just had no more choice. I do not do
that on GYE, either, cuz of anonymity.