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Note/disclaimer: I would only suggest this rather paradoxical/non-linear approach for those who have tried repeatedly to take a more direct, head-on approach, and have not found that approach to be helpful.
It could be important -- and helpful -- to accept that pornography is actually a “natural” reaction/replacement for something much more substantial and important that’s missing in our lives, rather than merely labeling it a sin/perversion. So rather than attacking it and attempting to place it (and ourselves) in some sort of moral straight jacket, let’s approach it as a signal to us that something much more meaningful is missing in our lives. Then it might be possible to break the hold it has on us, if we look deeply into ourselves to see what exactly it is that we truly desire (i.e. our ideal Aishes Chayil/Soul Mate, etc.) so we can begin to understand what it is that’s missing in our lives.
We can then take that as a new starting point and build upon our newly created thought/image/ideal through focused meditation/concentration/visualization. The more we do that, and the clearer that image becomes, the stronger our attraction and movement is in that direction, and the weaker our compulsion to run to switch on the porn. In essence, we will be crafting our own object of desire, rather than allowing the porn wheel to run itself (and us along with it) on autopilot, but it will be based upon a much deeper knowledge of ourselves and true inner desires. In that way, the hold that porn has over us might be finally broken, or at least diminished significantly.
Remember...thoughts are not just “thoughts” – they’re actually more like “things”, and these “thought-things” have a much greater impact on our environment and our lives than we’ve been lead to believe. So the more our thoughts are in line with what we really truly desire, the more our lives will be positive/constructive, vs negative/destructive.
The thing about all addictions is that they always take on a life of their own, and begin to run in a thoughtless/auto pilot sort of fashion. Our minds have become lazy with despair, and we rarely stop to think if we can ever regain a mastery over our own thought processes. A lot of that has to do with living in a Christianized/Satanic world in which evil is loved and good is hated, which is the complete antithesis of what Hashem has commanded us to do – love good and hate evil. The people behind the dark side of this world are VERY diligent in what they do and the way in which they do it; much more so than most of us. So by taking this one step towards reversing that process, and becoming the director, rather than the directed, of this one most significant part of our lives, we can begin to turn the tide and reverse what we believed up to this point we had no control over.
Remember...this world is ripe with all sorts of potential addictions, because Hashem has built in numerous pleasure principles that are inherent in this world. The discipline of Judaism is extreme -- we do not have the "luxury" of the ascetics who deny worldly pleasures, and we do not have the "luxury" of the hedonists who ignore the consequences of our pleasures. We must balance pleasure with accountability. It's the most austere discipline of all. And the masters of the dark arts KNOW that. So they intentionally fan the flames of ALL the possible pleasures, with the knowledge that most people will succumb to their ploys and become trapped in their bottomless pits of addiction. (And this is not just theoretical. The way the Afghanis were able to defeat the Russians was by sending in prostitutes with opium and other drugs to the Russian soldiers. In a relatively short period of time, the Russian soldiers were so weakened by this tactic that they were able to be overcome by a weaker enemy, because that weaker enemy had weakened THEM to the point that they could be defeated.)
Yet, as R' Nachman states: "The whole world is a narrow bridge (i.e. if we take a step to the left, we fall into asceticism, if we take a step to the right, we fall into hedonism), but the ikar/essence, is to not be afraid."
That's really quite an amazing dictate, when you think about it. One would logically think that after presenting such a graphic picture of walking a tightrope across this world, the mandate would flow to be VERY afraid. But R' Nachman states the exact opposite -- to NOT be afraid. Because fear and despair go hand in hand, and once a soul falls into despair, it loses the energy and desire to even THINK it can extricate itself. But once a soul has become ensnared in despair, what can it do?
One of the areas that has probably been the most neglected in the Jewish psyche over the past 2,000 years is dimyon – imagination. I believe the reason for this is twofold: 1. The line between true prophecy and false prophecy is a hair’s breadth, and to help insure that false prophets do not proliferate, extreme safeguards have been placed up any attempt to explore that most vital area of our awareness. 2. In order to reduce the persecutions by Christians against Jews, who are, after all, a nation of prophets, even further attempts have been made to purge that part of our Jewish identity in order to survive in this hostile, anti-Jewish environment. Over millennia we have become more accustomed to surviving than living, and just like a survivor of extreme child abuse, our collective psyche has become compartmentalized and stunted. In order to reclaim the vitality that is necessary to combat the calculated and scheduled attacks by the masters of the dark arts, we need MORE access to our most vital resource – our dimyon – not less.
By taking the steps to actively cultivate this most essential tool, we can create the means through which to counterbalance addictions that convince us that we are powerless and that our G-d is powerless, and at the same time clearing the channels through which Hashem can personally guide us.
In order to help us achieve this most daunting task, 2 key elements need to be in place. 1. We must at all times link all of our efforts to the clear acknowledgment of Hashem as the One, True Creator. 2. Using a standard Mussar technique, the more detail we can include in our visualization(s), the more effective they will be.
The essential question at this point is: “Okay...how do we accomplish this visualization process? There are lots of books written about it, but in truth, it’s rather simple (it’s simple to do, but it takes time to develop). To begin with, ground all attempts in a request to Hashem to help us. And know that we have within ourselves MUCH more ability than we give ourselves credit for (another by product of a long, protracted gallus). Then start simple. Take a simple object, like a candle, for example, sit quietly, focus on your breathing, slow it down, look at the candle, close your eyes, and see how long you can see the flame in your mind’s eye. When you lose that image, open your eyes again, look at the candle, close your eyes again, and see how long you can see the flame in your mind’s eye. I guarantee that if you take 5 minutes a day to do this, in a reasonably short period of time, you’ll see that this latent ability/talent will become stronger. What you’re accomplishing is strengthening the “muscles” of your dimyon/imagination. (An advanced technique of this time honored “meditate on a candle” technique is to be able to see the candle, or whatever object you are holding in your mind’s eye, WITH YOUR EYES OPEN. You have the ability to literally superimpose an image you are holding in your mind’s eye while looking at the world with your eyes wide open. THAT’S quite an amazing achievement indeed!!)
At some other time of the day, sit quietly and ask yourself: “What type of woman/relationship do I really desire. What are her qualities? What does she look like? What color is her hair; her eyes? How does she look when she smiles? What sort of partner do I really seek in this world/lifetime? What sorts of things would we talk about? How would we raise our children? What are the most important values that she should possess? Does she have to be drop dead gorgeous, or are qualities like compassion, humor, compatibility more important? (These are just examples; use your own thoughts to generate the types of things you want to ask/require of your “ideal” aishes chayil.)
When you combine the practice of visualization training with plumbing the depths of what qualities you desire – both physical and spiritual – in your ideal partner, then you very well might see a significant drop off in the pull that porn has in your life.
I would also suggest that it’s important to explore what qualities we possess in ourselves, in order to better understand and balance that which we plan to bring to the table with our object-of-desire aishes chayil; after all, relationships are a two way street, and one can’t expect to draw to oneself an ideal partner if one isn’t willing to expect the same sort of ideal/compatible and complementary characteristics in oneself. And again...at every step of the way, maintain the connection with Hashem and ask Hashem to aid/guide you along the way. This is by no means a push-button microwave “I want it NOW” process. It requires patience and persistence. This is not a sprint; it’s a marathon – the marathon of the rest of our lives.
Finally, any new endeavor must begin with the seed of desire -- in this instance, the desire to make a change in our lives. If we've hit rock bottom with all of our other attempts, we might just be ready to attempt this new direction/change.
