i fell after 13 days and i really feel stupid...im thinking theres no point of even trying again cuz it prob will forsure happen again. im depressed cuz it felt so good for those 13 days but i just cudnt take not looking at porn or masterbating for that long
please help with suggestions on how to get back up...please

My Happy Friend,

In all your posts you basically discuss 2 things. How you have tremendous difficulty fighting your urges, and how you are trying to fight it with filters and such.

If you want to change some things in your life then you need to change some things in your life.

Fighting doesn't work. Not for an addict. And based on your previous posts, I venture to guess you qualify. So do yourself a favor. Stop fighting. Start recovering. Start studying the 12 steps. Consider joining a 12-step phone group. Daven frequently for Help. Every time machshovos and taivos come knocking. Right away. Tell Hashem that you realize you are powerless over lust and you need him to intervene. Do your part by guarding your eyes in all settings.

I don't care how sick you are. If you start applying real recovery techniques, you will see real success. Real change. But only if you're really ready.

Just to echo AE:
What are you proactively doing to recover from lust?
I know you have wife issues and other issues, but are you taking any steps to work this program? Have you read the handbooks? Are you subscribed to emails?
And most important, are you ready to face another human being with struggles similar to yours, and admit to him and to G-d the exact nature of your problem (along with your real first name)?
If you PM me, I'll be happy to exchange phone numbers for real-life interaction.
Mottel

wats the diff between fighting it and recovering? when u recover u dont have anymore urges??
mottel..reading the forums for chizuk.
im not ready to face another guy with this..dont know if i ever will be

well, if you're reading the forum for chizuk and yet still falling, maybe increase the reading (did I mention the handbooks and chizuk emails?).
But it sounds like you want chizuk, meaning additional strength, to fight it.
Don't fight it. Beg G-d for Mercy, not for help "fighting" it. Ask Him to keep you sober for the day. And then ask Him again tomorow. Eventually you'll learn to surrender.
Mitoch shelo l'shmo, bo lishmo.
And in my layman's opinion, meeting another person with similar problem to yours "face -to-face" will do miracles for your recovery.
Hatzlocho,
Mottel.
P.S. Of course you still get urges even after 20 years in recovery. It's just that you're not compelled to act on them and you learn to surrender them.

what do u mean by surrender to them? isnt that fighting it and winning?

In our game, winning means avoiding the fight.
Because we always loose if we choose to fight.
M.

happyjew wrote on 23 May 2012 20:17:

My experience is that talking to someone else is the key to recovery. I know it was a big step for me. Read the posts here. Many have done it and lived to write about it. I haven't read a negative post yet. The thing you are most afraid of, is the thing that can help you. Try a phone call first. Then you can possibly meet someone. Seems impossible? It is possible. Many here have been brave enough to do it and are much better off.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!

i feel its like kinda knowing ur personal life thats not meant to be shared with others.

If you think you feel stupid for falling after 13 days, I fell after 7 months (twice) and felt REALLY stupid.

When I first joined this forum I was falling a number of times each week. After each fall, though, I tried to examine--what had gone wrong? What lead me to fall. Not just my actions--surfing aimlessly on the internet out of boredom, but also the emotions--restlessness, irritability, and discontent with life.

I took a good look at what lead me to fall--what was I doing the hour, the day, or the week before hand? What stress was building up that I had failed to deal with?

I have learned that it's not the masturbation I have to contend with--it's LIFE I have to contend with. And, as I get better at doing that, I feel less frustration and less pain, and then--automaticaly--I feel much less of a need to act out.

Also, I had to take a look--what steps were I taking for recovery? What was I actually DOING? What tools have I heard about that I hadn't actually subscribed to yet?

I became more active in the forum. And, little by little, I kept stepping up my recovery. Eventually I joined the Duvid Chaim anonymous 12-step phone conferences. Ultimately, I joined live SA groups.

It is worth it to be sober. And, I have gained much more than just not acting out. My whole life has changed. My wife was even inspired by the changes in me to join S-Anon, the group for spouses. Our lives just keep getting better.

The only question is, are you willing to do whatever it takes to recover from this addiction?

--Elyah

happyjew wrote on 24 May 2012 11:55:

Why not? Most of us are not strong enough to do it on our own. If we were, we wouldn't be here.

happyjew wrote on 24 May 2012 11:55:

Unfortunately for most of us, sharing your darkest secrets with other safe people (who share the same problem) is the surest way to recovery.
"It's not meant to be shared with others" on the other hand, is my way of holding on to this part of my life so I can use it at a later time, maybe after my knees heal from masturbating on a cold bathroom floor (roshei teivois D-O-V ).

happyjew wrote on 23 May 2012 20:58:


Surrender by definition means not fighting. Here's an moshol, followed by some practical steps: If I'm standing on the battlefield and there's a tank bearing down on me, and I'm armed with a pocket knife. I can fight and get flattened, or I can surrender -- not fight, put my hands up -- and live another day. When the tank stops for a moment, I can run off and go back to my life.

When I am faced with lust -- a thought, an image, an urge -- I can stare it down, fight it, and, as is my history, fall prey to it in the end, again. Or I can call out to Hashem, tell him I realize I am powerless over lust, that I need him to take away these urges right now, because I cannot fight them on my own. I can ask him to remove my lust, just for today, just for now. I surrender my lust to Him. Because I cannot fight it or use it.

If I resist doing this it is because I'm not ready to give up lust. It's just too much a part of me. It's just too sweet. I just can't imagine living without lust.

It's a big step, to give up lust. Fortunately, to be successful, we only need to give it up one day at a time, one nisayon at a time. It's the only way to be sober. An alcolohic needs to give up alcohol. And I need to give up lust. I don't need to understand it. I just need to do it.

Keep at it bro

you people on here coudnt be more right...i thought by putting on k9 was ok for me...it was for 13 days...then it all went downhill. i got around the k9 like i never imagined...i thought ill fight it but theres no way i can fight it anymore. i feel like the 13 days i got thru was the original push Hashem helped me with...after that Hashem let go and said...lets see how well you do without all the extra siyata dishmaya...and it was quite bad.
i seriously thought i was good forever during those 13 days...now i look back and think...were u a fool? its not possible! i feel like i cud maybe go for a couple of days but no more

You're not a fool...you just got a little dose of reality shoved down your throat.
What are you gonna do now, before the reality of your situation wears off?