Hashem gave me a chance to run my own life. I muffed it.
I had no interest in learning, because I felt I was no good at it. I couldn't keep a chavrusa because I couldn't hold myself to sedarim. I enjoyed and got high marks in secular studies, though, which gave me enough self-worth to fudge high school, but when I got to beis medrash, even that dissapeared. I wasted my day (part of the day at first, by 3rd year most to all of the day) playing video games, reading books (& sometimes filthy books, though I tried to avoid a chillul Hashem by using the self-checkout system. How considerate of me)... Later I got a computer (without my parents' knowledge, thought they found out eventually), and movies added themselves to my repetoire. The Rosh Yeshiva tried to get me to keep it home and out of the dormitory. I would listen for a month or three, then it would come back. (I owe my life to the Rosh Yeshiva for not throwing me out, books and computer notwithstanding.) The low point was when I discovered how to illegally download movies. I would watch two or three a day... And the filth on the net? It just happened gradually. I became apathetic to, well, everything, and I started indicating to my Rebbeim that I wanted to go out and work. (What else could I do?)
I could've ended up anywhere- a two-faced hypocrite who maybe could've started a family and gone out to work... More likely to commit suicide by the age of 40, or a divorcee if I couldn't take it, and creating yet another dysfunctional "frum" family. That was where I was headed, though I didn't know it, and I only discovered this now, after intense chesbon hanefesh and GYE, two and a half years later.
But Hashem didn't give up on me. I learned about other ways of living, breathing Yiddishkeit. (And I ignored it, too. But I filed it away for later use.) And a combination of factors led me to listen to the Rosh Yeshiva when he suggested I go to Eretz Yisrael. I told him he was crazy. He agreed, but insisted. I even made him agree to foot the bill if I came back early, before agreeing to go. But there, away from nearly all my distractions, I changed into someone who could conceivably live a life free from hypocrisy. But, no one (not even myself) has any explanation for this change, how it happened, except that I had no hope that it was possible, so Hashem showed me that it was.
My Rosh Yeshiva told me later, I expected to be there for one month, and he was hoping for three. I was there NINE months straight, came home for a two month summer, and went back for seven more. Not that it was easy, but once I saw it was possible, and Hashem gave me the strength, at least I was willing. The first set, in retrospect, was a walk in the park compared to the second.
So, here I am, Meir, hitting bottom, while already heading up. Nothing, apparently, is impossible with Totty. He was just waiting for me to notice.
I've already mentioned the things I used to do/ do on occasion. After E"Y, they no longer control me. Regardless, I don't want to call this a lust addiction (although, to be sure, it IS a lust addiction). R' Tatz says in A Thinking Jewish Teenager's Guide to Life, 3rd chapter, that the nature of the enjoyment coming from having relations (and acting out) is a feeling of freedom, which translates as an escape (as in Mitzacheik, the shoresh is Tzchok, a game, where the purpose of playing IS the playing itself). There are indications to this all over the guide. Put in this light, all of my problems- books (even kosher ones), videos, games - they are all manifestations of an issue I've had since 7th grade- a tendency to escape. As a kid, I would cut school. The only difference between that kid and the beis medrash bochur I was before E"Y was the sophistication of the escape. So I'd go to a library instead of riding the trains. It's all the same.
This is why, when my parents would express concern over my books, I'd take a six month break without breaking a sweat, and satisfy them and myself that I was okay. Meanwhile, I simply replaced it with something else. An addict would laugh at the idea- no movies, but you can read what you like and look at pictures. It's the same.
In Israel, over time, I gradually allowed myself nothing- and boy did it take alot out of me. I would, at times, run out of the beis medrash and go for a three mile walk just to satisfy that urge to get away. With every activity dropped there was another fight. The only way the Y"H put up with it is I told him it was temporary, just during the zman. Since then, there has been more of a finality in that decision- I have nearly made up my mind to drop them forever. Haven't even been in a library since I got back- though I may pick up a White Book there.
Throughout this period, there were times I was working on not acting out, and times not. I made many, many plans, and I had varying success. I think I got two months at one point. And there were periods of severe depression... (I remember when my iPod stopped functioning. At the time, I was using it only for music, just like now. I was laid out on my bed for two days, crying. My iPod can now be classified yeshivish- it works up to a certain amount without malfunctioning.)
I never really got over that feeling, that desire during any period of productivity, to drop it and go do something escape-ish. But the feeling was manageable when the escape was sub-par, such as a month in E"Y when I only allowed myself to learn (whatever sefer), and at night I had this tremendous book on the history of the state of Israel. It was so dry and boring that it worked as a pastime without dragging me out of the beis medrash.
The only thing I have no control over still is lust. Does this tell me, in reality I have no control over anything, except Hashem has given over control to me in other matters and not in lust?
No. It tells me, Lo Yiyeh Lecha Elohim Acheirim!!! I HAVE NO POWER, CONTROL, ABILITY, NOTHING!! HASHEM RETAINS ALL CONTROL. What do I have? Bechira. (More information, The Six Constant Mitzvos, Artscroll. And no, I am not affiliated.) By something mundane, my choice takes place on the spot. By something powerful (and Hashem gave me a gift in that books and games are no longer in this category), my decision is to stay away. And my decision is to keep in constant communication with Hashem.
I consider it a lesson- yes, I can. After all, I did. But my part is to choose, and want, and Hashem does the rest. I couldn't even imagine where I am TODAY two and a half years ago, much less do it. My "normal" life is entirely a gift from Hashem. (He even broke my netbook Erev Rosh Hashona before the winter zman I left for Israel. I'm not sure I could've made the decision to leave it behind.)
Thank you for listening (or not. As you like).
Hatzlocha!
Meir
