I keep finding halacha questions to ask my rabbi, only they are a little dirty. The questions are about bathing, the restroom, seminal discharges, ect. They are not compleatly sexual, but I still feel a pull to them. Is that pull the evil inclination trying to get me to sin, or the good inclination trying to learn more torah. Should I, or should I not, ask my rabbi about these things?

Are they for "lemaase" or just curious?

Ask your rabbi about porn and masturbation first.

I feel disgusting. I want to kill myself just to make sure I never do anything this disgusting again. I don't care that I will forfeit my reward in the next life. I just want to stop being disgusting.

SG,

I'm sorry you fell again. But look at this, you never were able to make it more than a day or 2, now you did 5 days twice in a row! Don't you think that counts for something?

Progress not perfection, a little at a time....

KOMT!!!

Dear SG,

Contrary to whatever you may believe (or what some others will tell you), the day you open up to a safe, understanding person and detail exactly what you recently did that makes you feel so disgusting today, you will finally start feeling less disgusting. It's the only real start - and that's why we fight it so hard. It's not out of shame, but something else entirely. The shame is there, but only a red herring....

It's a shock to learn that feeling disgusting is not really the result of our acting out, SG - it is more nearly the cause of it.

But self-loathing is something many of us (I know from myself and from many others) have held onto so tightly for so many years that when the time really comes to do the things that will finally render it irrelevant - we balk! As guilty as the behaviors make us feel - they are our 'friends'....we long-term frum strugglers have so few things we can really trust in this world the way we learn to trust porn and orgasm for making us feel relieved of our stress and self-hatred. In the same way, we have grown to trust and love our defects of character, because they are our favorite coping mechanisms.

So....it is acceptance that helps us regain sanity and control of our lives. Not more of the same silly fighting and controlling that got us here.

.

.

Why the desperation? Can you or your chizzuk save him? I know mine can't. He will post when ready, it's OK.

Sorry for not posting for a while. I was at the hospital. I feel much better now.

.

Hey, I was at the hospital, too! Hope you are mended now, too.

some_guy wrote on 03 Dec 2012 15:18:



That is what WSMNB was nervous about and now I see Some Guy was in hospital!!

This is real nerve racking stuff! ;D :D :

Yitzchok

Hi everyone,
Sorry for not coming here for a long time. I have been really bad. I feel like I want to surrender just to make this fighting stop. The battles in my mind are tearing me apart. I just can't do it anymore. Please, make it stop. I can't do this. I have no self control. I can't stop for even a day or two now. I just want it all to go away.

Elias

some_guy wrote:


If I recall correctly you had some good motivation to stop, thinking about how beautiful Shabbos is, and how bad you feel when you masturbate because of your perfectionism. And in terms of method you had chosen SA. So go to SA meetings and find a sponsor. They used to say "90 meetings in 90 days." If you still like this approach then do it. If you want to try the cognitive method just tell me. I can send you instructions via private message.

There is one case where a person can never get better, which is when he ignores the instructions manual and tries to guess the best approach because he knows better. This behavior destroys the benefits of having a Rabbi, the cognitive method, sexaholics anonymous, and everything else. You have to follow the instructions. So if you are doing SA, then do it by the book. You cannot change a method until you understand "why it works and when it doesn't." And even then you think about it ten times first.

If you want you can call me before Shabbos. I am on eastern time. If you don't have my phone number I can give it to you again.