does this happen to a lot of you? I sometimes feel regret that i came and became active to such a (wonderful) place and it doesn't happen only when i have a desire, I think it is not just clear enough to me the problem of SA. (or is it clear and it is the yetzer harah?)
I can sometimes dream of why should i become good and not go and have (so called) "fun"

Yes, this happens all the time. And this is why Chazal say that one who does teshuva is on a higher madreiga than one who never sinned - because his YH keeps calling him back and he needs to fight harder.

Keep looking forward - no turning back. Hatzlacha rabbah!

MT

JJ,
I'm not sure I understand your question.
Are you saying you feel funny about coming here even when you're not about to act out?
When I first discovered GYE, I felt funny about coming here and reading. I felt like I was almost doing something wrong by being here. That was just my guilty conscience, because I was doing so much else in this area that was wrong. Thinking about this topic was always wrong. So reading about this topic here felt like I was engaging in something prohibited. But it also felt great, like sweet, fresh mountain air.

I think MT got it right. I know I struggle with the same thing sometimes, especially when I am strongly triggered and I am reminded of my old bad habits. And the YH whispers in my ear "Why did you do that? You should have kept your mouth shut and you could still be having "fun"! :-[ "

gevurah shebayesod that is what happened to me when i was sober for a while (two weeks) before i knew of this website. And then my lust hit me even harder. Now i am clean for a day, but I am pretty sure the yetzer harah knows the trick and he will make believe that i have won and keep quite for a short while and then he will hit back even harder! so taking a deep breath and hope to be ready for the battle