Hi
I started here about 75 days ago
since then, i lasted about 40 days then fell
this time its been over 30  and now fall
so its clearly a pattern

both times have followed the same pattern, fine for first 20 odd, then slowly its eating away at me until its overwhelms me
i feel worse than ever since being on this programme
should i be happy to get to 30 odd days or feel like the fires of gehinom are waiting for me
its as if i only feel better when ive falled, i cant bear the guilt

Hey Newstart,

You should feel great that you are making an effort to change and that you have a conscience which wants you to do better and better. You should never feel that the situation is devoid of all hope after a fall. That is exactly what the YH wants you to feel, especially when he senses that you are starting on the road to recovery and are breaking free from his deadly clutches. God looks at our efforts; he knows the respective difficulty of different peoples' situations and will always welcome those who want to return to him.

Falls are PART of the learning and healing process. Sounds like a contradiction right? Well, the truth is that it's only by falling, being forced to evaluate what caused our fall and avoiding those situations in the future that allow us to reach higher levels.

Don't let guilt become despair. You are doing well and you are not powerless. Just carry on, strengthen your fences and take things one day at a time.

BW,

DL   

thanks
I appreciated that
I must say I respond better to it than the fear element

hope it helped a bit! respond better than what? sorry don't quite get your last post.

you should be very happy with 30, i havent been able to get there yet

Of course you should feel great about 30 days clean or even one day clean, that to me is simple.  What is not so simple is what to do to get past 30-40 days.  i only struggled with this for about 30 years myself, so i am an expert on failing and a novice at succeeding.  Have you read the handbook?  There are simple steps in the book that are progressive.  Try a step and see if it works for you, if it doesn't try the next one.  Keep going until you find what is right for you.  i have done this and so far, B'Chasdei HASHEM Yisborach, i have 140 days clean.  Just two weeks ago, i was struggling and added a new step to help me continue.  The most important thing i did for my recovery was have real contact with other addicts by phone and in person.  i hope you can find an approach that works for you so you can live life to its fulfillment.   
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

hey newstart, maybe it's in the name (you keep needing a new start).  Maybe try "recovering" or something like that.

Seriously, it sounds like you are just hanging in there.  What are you doing in those days to be in recovery?  If you are just waiting around - the addiction will catch up with you as you can see.  We need to learn to live differently so that we are not constantly fighting. 
If you want some ideas - Dov quotes are good, as is Elya's Additional Tools for Recovery www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4870.msg128036#msg128036 , besides the GYE handbooks obviously.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!

thanks
i appreciate the responses