Hey
I am not very active on this site, I found this site a few months ago after I had a big fall, found some helpful tips and it really helped me alot. however I still seem to lose control every once in a while, by lose control I mean I go to inappropriate places and do inappropriate things, I was able to control myself since I found this site, but today I lost control of myself again and did a terrible thing. I am not sure what to do, I am married have a wonderful wife and family. Do I need to find a therapist? on a regular day I am fine, I have my hard days and I control myself. but sometime I loose myself. I feel terribly ashamed, my wife doesn't deserve this, and neither do my children.  how do I fix myself?

Hi Mendy.  Your story sounds very similar to mine and most likely many others on this website.  You came to the right place for true information about how to get better, and to get chizuk from fellow Yids with similar problems who care about each other.  I give a brief outline below to answer your question "how do i fix myself".

I am basing this answer on one assumption -  on the 'hard' days when you lose yourself - you can't control it. If any of these answers sound right to you, let me know and I or someone else will post to you more about how to grow and slowly start to get better:

1) Continue to Admit to yourself and to us (by posting here anonymously) that you have a problem.  This may not be easy for you to do.  But, please trust me, its really helpful.  You will feel better by sharing and not hiding everything all the time. Its good to describe your problem a bit more.  Its important that you realize that you have a sickness, not that you are bad, or that you just can't stand up to your Yetzer Harah.  If you are like many of on this site, certainly including me, we have acted out sexually and were not able to stop it.  Until we did a number of the Recovery actions that i briefly describe in this post to you.

2) Stop Looking at Women.  Really. 100%.  turn your head away.  close your eyes. This will really help you feel that you are doing something to Recover, and you will be 'triggered' less.

3) Read a lot of info on this GYE site.  I highly recommend the GYE attitude handbook.  This describes our problem from a Torah  perspective.  There are also many great lectures on this site about guarding your eyes, and more.  I think that much of this info can really help you understand that you are not alone, and that this problem can be dealt with over time, as many of have started to change for the better.

4) Contact with fellow lust addicts.  When you are ready - whether its by posting like this, Private Mail (PM), phone calls, and/or live meetings-  getting chizuk from caring fellow yidden with the same problem is really helpful.

5) There are many techniques to help you not 'act out' on the hard days.  Such as davening to HAshem to take your last away,  avoiding all triggering areas, calling a friend from this site, taking a certain type of shvua (you can read about that on the site), and more.

Mendy  I hope this is an ok start, and there are more good ideas to help you get better.  One main thing is to actively do some recovery action each day!  If any of this sounds good, please Post more here and let us know and we'll try to keep helping you.  IY"H you will see progress soon!

One last thing i just re-read your post.  A therapist could be good, but they would probably tell you to do all the above.  So i would start with these things, and consider a therapist too, but its important to get a good one who specializes in sexual addictions.

Hope this helps!  Good Shabbos!

Be matzliach
Have2ChangeNOW

Mendy,
H2 has given you wonderful advice.
As an addict, I too have had long "clean streaks" where I didn't act out.  Until I acted out.  That's the way of an addict.  We don't do our thing all the time.  We keep away from it because we know it's wrong.  But then, sooner or later, and sometimes it's much later, we fall again.  Because we haven't done the necessary work to recover.  We're just fighting really hard.

Recovery from an addiction, and this is an addiction, isn't about fighting.  It's about admitting that we can't fight it.  That we are powerless over it, in fact.  Our only hope is to turn the battle over to Hashem and beg Him for His help.  I ask Him to take my lust.  I don't want to lust.  Lust kills love.  It kills life.

Life without lust is really much better.  It's real.

Hatzlocha and keep at it.
Maybe visit us a little more often and keep us posted.

--Alex

Thanks a lot for your advice, I don't understand what would be the purpose of elaborating on my mistakes? also I control myself for months at a time from these bigger falls that I have,(you say I should elaborate, so: (I went to a massage parlor that offers more than a massage) even their however I controlled myself to a certain point)  the problem is when I get to these hard days I forget about GYE and everything else and I forget that I even have this problem, I only realize after , like , oh my g-d what have I just done. I wish their was somebody I can call when I am going through those hours of pondering before I have my fall. Is this something I can just work on by myself and always have the power to control myself. Or do I need actual therapy or something, I am willing to do whatever is NECESSARY to make sure that I never do anything like this again. Sorry for my late response, I obviously don't come to this site very often but, I take these conversations very seriously. I don't have time to be on this site a lot and do everything you mention above, but I want to do whatever I can to get myself under control.

It's helpful to do something for your addiction every day.  You can simply add a quick tefilah in Shma Koleinu or in Elokai N'tzor asking Hashem to help you guard your personal kedusha.  You can also ask Hashem to heal you from your addiction.  In this way, you will remember daily that you have this addiction and it won't be able to sneak up on you as you describe.  Pushing it under the rug doesn't work (for very long).

If you can spare 90 seconds a day (most days) to log onto this forum and post how you're doing, and maybe read someone else's thread and give him chizuk, it will also go a long way.

Recovery from addiction is an active process.  Some days it will require more than others.  Preventive maintenance.

There's more, but let's take one step at a time.

Mendy wrote on 19 Mar 2012 05:41:

I find it is helpful to admit my struggles and my falls and my slips, and when I admit in details, it is more helpful.  There is a difference between being specific and being graphic.

Also, elaborating isn't just going into more details of what happened while acting out.  But, what happened BEFOREHAND.  What was I doing and what was I thinking and what was I feeling that compelled me to act out.  Sometimes there are negative emotions brewing (particularly fears and resentments) for days or weeks before an actual fall.

Through recovery, my struggle has become more subtle, with more of a focus on such feelings.  And, I have gained tools to help me deal with these feelings in a healthy way.

Good luck to you,

--Elyah

Hi Mendy,

Hope you are doing well.  I feel your pain and frustration in acting out.  I want to point out, gently and lovingly, that you mention 'control myself' 4 times in your last one paragraph post.  But that's the main point - in this area, this sexual addiction, whether your 'hard' days come each day or only every few months - we CANNOT control ourself and we act out in a way we really don't want to do.  That means we are addicted. That means we are helpless, and not in control.  A great place for you to start is to realize that you CANNOT control yourself - that you are addicted - and to take Recovery action each day!  Start by admitting and believing that you are helpless in this area.  This is hard to do, and we have all made that leap to believe we are addicted/helpless. 

You could get therapy as you ask again, but I strongly recommend doing some of all of the other things that we have mentioned.  Some take little time - such as davening to Hashem that you are helpless and to take your lust away.  Also aggressively not looking at any women does not take any extra time.  and you did say that you would 'do whatever is NECESSARY'.  Perhaps you can make a bit more time to help dramatically improve your life.  I expressed the same sentiment a few months ago- "I don't want to spend much time with all this recovery stuff"  - but now I see that is extremely worthwhile.

Mendy- lastly for now - you ask about calling people.  If you want to talk on the phone - just send me a quick PM or request by post.  I don't want to push myself on you - so I'll let you make the request - but i would be glad to talk.  I have spoken with about 8 fellow frum addicts on the phone, and 3 have become kind of regular back and forth calls.  Very nice and helpful.

Be Matzliach, and Keep on Posting (KOP) to us!

Have2changeNOW

Keep coming back it works if you work it, so work it you worth it.

Thank you all again for your advice, it's all really helpful to me, a lot more than you can even imagine.
In the days that proceeded my latest fall, I was under stress b/c one of my children wasn't feeling well. I was on the way back from a long meeting and wasn't sure if I should head back to the office or get home a little early, at the spear of the moment I made the wrong turn and headed to the wrong destination. This was after a whole day of trying to push these thoughts away. But I just let myself go. don't know why, I really regret it now, I hope this regret stays with me forever so that I don't ever fall like this again.

Mendy, if the regret would stay forever so that we didnt fall, wouldnt life we wonderful? 'Vechatasi negdi tamid'. But, it doesnt. Not for us. The regret powers us to do it again. and again. We may even think to ourselves (maybe even subconciously) 'if i do something absolutely terrible that i havent done before i will feel really bad and never do this again. That feeling may last for a day. 2 days. a month. perhaps even half a year or more. But sooner or later, if we stay on the same track, with the same thoughts, we will fall. Thats the truth. We will even reason with ourselves 'i did such a terrible thing, and the regret kept me clean for 6 months, if i do something even more terrible, maybe the regret will keep me clean forever..?'.

We have to admit that we are S-I-C-K. We have a D-I-S-E-A-S-E. If you dont, then there is no point trying anything else. The only thing to 'try' right now is to admit that no regret, consequences, punishments, embarasments, blackmail, bankrupcy, divorce c'v, etc, etc will ever be enough to stop us.
Work on this, understand it. You cant fight it. It is a part of you. You are out of control and you, cant stop it, not your regret, consequences, etc, etc. Heck, if you were to know that next time you do something you will die on the spot would it stop you? I dont know about you, but before I started working with the GYE program and steps I would probably last a week or 2, perhaps a couple of months. But eventually I would probably do it, and die. What about you?

Once youve realised just how sick you really are, you can start working with the GYE program and 12 steps. So lets see. You say the whole day you were pushing thoughts away. Well, how did you expect not to fall? If you are pushing thoughts away, you are giving the YH coach. When someone pushes you, do you not push them back? And if they push you stronger and start punching you, wouldnt you beat the c*** out of them? Lets say he came back and tried again, and he was weaker than you. Every time he started up with you, wouldnt you hit him harder? of course. So too the YH. This YH you cant beat. Hes too strong. Hes Amalek. Hitler. Haman. Sadam Husein. Like a crazy dog. no morals. you hit him. he hits back. and HARD. pushing the thoughts away is a fight. And he keeps coming back. And therefore you fall. I can identify this. When i was in yeshiva a thought would come to me when i was in zal, and i pushed it away. slowly slowly, sometimes it would take a few days, other times a month but eventually he would get me. thats an addict, my friend.

So, what can you do?

At the very first thought. The very first glimpse. The very first time your eyes begin to roam around the street and spot a fine looking g**l. Stop. Close your eyes. Remember that you really dont want this. Remember that you are sick. ADDICTED. Looking at a g**l for you is like an alchohlic taking his first sip. Start crying out to Hashem that you dont want to end up in those places. Beg Hashem to save you. Save you from lust. It has to be at the beginning. Where it all begins. I have to admit, i have tears in my eyes when I am writing to you. I am also talking to myself (sober 50 days). This is what I do. And Hashem helps me. Because I cant do it. Im sick. Like a cancer patient whom all the doctors gave up on. All we have is Hashem. And He helps. And He saves. Take it from me. And from all the other chevrei on GYE.


So, what do we do with the pasuk 'vechatasi negdi tamid'. Well, i think lefi anias daati, it means just when i said above. All the time, we have to remember: i am an addict. Nothing can save me except for Hashem. When i see the first image, the first signs of somehting a yid isnt supposed to do (shmiras haeynayim, machshovos zoros, etc), remember how sick we are. And plead wth Hashem to have mercy on us and take this horrible disease away!

Welcome to GYE. You are in a good place. Here we get together with Hashem. Forget olam haba and gehinom. Here its all about hiskashrus with the Abeishter.

A frelichen Rosh Chodesh Nissan, Chodesh hageulah and moshiach now!

Helpme! - thank you so much for that beautiful and powerful post.  I feel there is really EMMES in your words, and it reminded me of the deep but hidden  truth of my problem/ sickness.  You helped me a great deal with such a direct hit on my DISEASE and what to do about it!

Mendy - this is why its good to post, read, learn what to do to Recover I"YH - here with your fellow holy Chevra sex and lust addicts.

Shabbat shalom and good Chodesh to all

Be matzlaich
Have2changeNOW

Eye.nonymous wrote on 19 Mar 2012 15:19:


Well said!

I would add that telling someone else about your struggles just plain helps.  I can't explain why, nor do I need to.  It just works.  Somehow, telling someone else how you are feeling has a sobering effect.

In short, don't try to do it alone.  Yes, call someone.  There are many here who would gladly give you their phone number by PM.  Find someone that you think you can relate to and reach out.  The addiction thrives on isolation and fear of sharing the problem with others.

Mendy, how are you doing? waiting to hear from you. Feel free to post whether its something good or c'v......

Thanks alot for your strong words, I apologize as I only get to this site once or twice a week after everybody is asleep here. Are we really addicts? Don't we all have behavior patterns that we can't control, yet we keep on trying to fix ourselves and fail or get lazy. does that mean we are addicts to those old habits? I don't feel it's fear to  call myself an addict just because of a few bad decisions that I made? Maybe i am in self denial, you tell me. ?    I guess I agree with the asking hashem to save you since we can't control it on our own, I wonder if that will work when I am having a tough day, you have to have a lot of emunah  to be able to think like that.

Mendy,
First i want to welcome you and commend you for posting.  i hear myself in your words and they help me understand me and my problem better.
i wasn't certain that i was an addict until i took the test, i know it is around here somewhere but you can also access it at sa.org  20 simple questions.  Interestingly, the struggles i face diminished significantly after i admitted to myself and others that i am an addict.  i wish you bracha and hatzlacha in all areas especially with this struggle.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov