You can view my wonderful thread through my profile or through here: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3913.0

If you can sympathize, please do so here.

I've decided that even though I have a problem, I will not let myself give in to the yesser hara. That even though I want to go act to and with a hot guy so badly (and the opportunity has arisen more than once through certain methods that I was able to create), I've decided that nothing I can do will help with the fact that just because I could do it doesn't mean I should.

That is why I've decided to turn a new leaf- to shed my old thick skin for something more lightweight and transparent. Sure, the lessons will hit home harder, but it will allow me to outgrow this disease by making sure that I force myself to work on myself so that no true information about me gets out and ruins my name.

Dov was right. I was hiding behind a username. That just won't cut it now! I cannot allow myself to shirk my duty to myself. I am now esh_tamid because wherever the esh will clear my path to freedom. Be'ezrat hashem, I will succeed. Beshem Hashem Na'aseh Ve'natzliach.
I will cure myself.

Unfortunately, I don't have the money for therapy (sad truth). Unfortunately, I cannot deal with this in therapy. But I can work on myself to the extent of my abilities. Hashem always give you enough to be able to survive. Baruch Hashem, the filter people at gye are life-savers.
They helped me out tremendously, and it is to them I owe why I'm on this website and not by a guy's house losing myself further.

This is a new post, for a new thread. I do have the power to kill this disease! We all do!

Joey.

I started my recovery again five days ago - put in place the k9 filter - put the filter on the smart phone - turned off text messaging - so i am happy - presently - living in the very moment - 'just for today' .  I have the same attractions as you do - I'd like to think that with Hashems help i direct my own behavior - after all I can keep myself from placing my hand into a wood chipper or into a burning fire.  Luckily I am now 47 and no longer 'hot' -  my beard is grey and I no longer have to worry about anybody approaching me or responding to me - now, as always, its in my mind - the obsession on the internet with places like craigslist that make SSA stuff easy to happen - steals entire days away from me in front of my pc - leaving me feeling hollow and worthless. I have had enough with that.  I trudge a similar road as you - I would finally like to cast of the albatross that hangs about my shoulders. I am going off the PC now - i am feeling like cruising the net now so i will go and do some learning - Baruch Hashem

Hi Joey!

Mazal Tov on the new thread, and the new name (I love it!). Tizke Legadlo LeTora LeChupa UleMaasim Tovim!  ;D

(I'm gonna miss the old name though...it was fun to yell "Hey Jew Boy!" as if i was some sort of anti-semite.) :o : ;D ;D

Keep the fire burning!

Gevura!

P.S. Welcome Ron, you are far from alone here!

Hello again!

What happened to the Rav with whom you were previously working with some (limited) success?

Who is supporting you now (in the real world)?

So JB is now ET !

ET phone Dov (think about committing to the phone group).

One day at a time bro,

Alex

Kol haKavod.  I have no idea how hard this must be for you, but I respect you so much for it.  I have been to a few lectures on this topic from leading psychologists in the community, and generally speaking repairative therapy has (minimal at best) success and is illegal to give to someone.  There is literature out there you should check out that discusses options you can take.  I havent read it, but its there and recomended by the experts.  I would look into subsidized/sliding scale therapy anyway, as this could be a hard (but totally worthwhile) road, and though I'm sure you'll do great it can help to have a trained outside eye help in the assessment of your options and strategies.  Bhatzlacha my friend!
www.amazon.com/Judaism-Homosexuality-Authentic-Orthodox-View/dp/0853035016

Hi SSBT!

Reparative therapy is NOT illegal! That is a lie put out by the pro-gay people, they are pushing really hard to discredit it.

That being said, I do believe that the claims of success by groups such as JONAH are somewhat overrated, and for many people they will only see some partial relief, but it's definitely worth a try for someone who really wants to change. I would think that it would work better for younger people who are not so set in their ways and have not built up many years of fixating themselves on wrong thinking (such as myself).

Have a great Shabbos!

Gevura!

Hey Everyone.

First I want to say that I'm sorry that I didn't reply sooner- or that it didn't show up at all (I'm pretty sure I posted, but nothing is there now, so I don't know).

Rontov, that is to be admired. You've got strength. You are a great role model!

Gevura, thanks so much for your support- it is much appreciated. I truly feel the love.

Yossi, the Rav I was working with is still available- it is me who is unavailable now. I have so little free time that I wish I went for a year in Israel. That chance is gone now.

Alex, we'll see about phone groups. Right now, it's one step at a time.

Strugglingandstrivng, thanks for the advice. I wish I could open the link, but my K9 filter is so strong that it blocks the word "homosexuality" in the link. It works well, and I'm very happy with it.

That said, I feel I need to share something that happened last week, that really bothered me:
I was on Craigslist, which is, to paraphrase Rontov, the most amazing site to get relieve SSA tensions. It hooks you up with whomever you need to act out. Plain and simple. I got a request, and I recognized the email address. A few months ago, I got a hit through GYE on my post for an accountability partner. This guy offered to hear me out, and to share some experiences of his own- strictly online, stating that two guys with SSA will have a problem if they meet up. Just last week, I get an email asking to hook up!! How low had he fallen since those few months???? How low had I fallen in these past few months???? This was one of the many wake-up calls and alarms set to snap me back into focus. It is depressing to note how badly he wanted me, and vice versa. How could I even accept???? Needless to say, I didn't hook up with him or anybody else who I replied. Although I made plans, I never followed through, and thankfully I have NEVER met up with a guy. EVER. Nor have I done anything with a girl. I am so proud of myself for that, and I am thankful that I haven't gone that far! (Not "EVER yet", but EVER! I don't plan on getting into any situations anytime soon!) My parents would never accept me if I did. Nor would my Rabbis.

Baruch Hashem that he keeps an eye out for me.

Wishing everybody success and a shavua tov umevorach,

Joey.

Where is Dov when you need him?  What are you doing on Craigslist?
What is preventing you from getting the help you need?  Have you identified any false beliefs, and if so is there anything you can do to correct them?
I myself have my curiosities about how it's possible to be gay and frum.  What are the false beliefs that allow these two modes to operate at the same time.  I guess it's been on my mind as I ponder going for a massage except done by a guy.  I started thinking, wait a sec, if my problem is lust, and getting any form of massage therapy causes me to fantasize, what would stop me from asking even a male masseuse from doing things that are contrary to halacha?
In other words, there is something wrong in the thinking process for us addicts.  Correcting false beliefs is part of our cure, as is turning to Gcd.

Joey!

I'm so proud that you have held the line on actually meeting anyone. But as long as you are still
playing around on Craigslist you are dancing really close to the edge of the cliff. And the sand is crumbling.... You need to get rid of it. i strongly suggest that you contact the filter guys and have them block or blacklist it for you.

We can plan to "not get into situations", but then they sneak up on us and by the time we realize what is happening it can be too late. This time you resisted....

Sorry for the 'tough love" but i really care for you and i want to see you succeed.

And I feel so bad for that other guy, obviously he came here for help at one point but he slipped away...I daven that he should come back and save his Neshama.

I know how hard it is... Keep On Trucking!!!

Gevura!

Wow. Thanks for the support. Much appreciated.

To answer your collective question: I've been off Craigslist now for three days. Baruch hashem, I finally blocked it. It was already partially blocked before, but I was still able to post. Now, I'm not even able to post, and even if I was, I have no alias email to send through. I'm very tempted sometimes to make a new one, but I cancelled all the others that I used to have and I have no need for it as I don't have a way of meeting other guys, even online. And so, I hope that I've allayed your concerns.

Ontheedgeman, I find your concepts of "false beliefs" very interesting. I will look into that for myself. I've been struggling with this concept a lot, but I haven't named it yet, and that is a very apt name for this strange concept.

Gevura, as always, thanks for the chizzuk and parenting. I'm a step ahead of you for now, and I hope it stays that way, for my own sake.

Thanks to everybody for the love.

Joey

it's funny, if someone told us the sun was going to rise at noon tomorrow, and they really believed it, we'd think they were a bit off. 

As an addict I tell myself equally deluded ideas, like "One day, I'll control my addiction."  or, "I can look just this once and it won't affect me".  But it's deluded, it's false.  So, in that sense, I carry potentially false beliefs that other addicts can quickly identify.

A person can restore himself to sanity, and it requires work.  For me, part of this work involves remaining happy and joyful, joy in the Slonimer Rebbe's meaning of the term, may his merit shield us.

I confided in my friends that despite my hard work, I still fantasize about my nanny, and it's holding back my recovery.  I told my friend about all the deluded things I tell myself as I try to glimpse her body parts.  He wisely told me, stop beating yourself up. it's progress not perfection.  moreover, stop trying to control how and when you look at your nanny.  How did he know??  I had set up all kinds of rules about when and how I would catch glimpses.  My friend told me - stop using your willpower, it'll never work.  It's a false belief.  Willpower is not enough.

It's only when we ease the burden of "will", which I think involves our frontal brain, and "surrender".... let ourselves go, and surrender our bodies and limbs to haKBH.  then, there is no neurotic worrying about my sins, how could I have done what I did, how did I go from Shabbos and H" to lusting....  once I surrender and  accept who I am, I enter the realm of joy, where I can accept me for me, and accept that I'll naturally want to catch glimpses of my nanny.

And one day, with all that work, meditation, gratitude, journalling, and giving, I'll enter that space of Divine... BAYOM HAHU YIHIYEI H' EHAD USHMO EHAD.

I have to report the best Shabbos of my life - I experienced Joy - wow - and yet this evening i found myself drawn to CL and ended up here.  I have been toying in my mind with how to be able to text - ( monitoring software - wife has the key )  also wanting inappropiate things ( massage therapist mentioned above ).  I have this visual that some Rabbi is monitoring the K9 and will call me so i have not wandered.
When it ( this YH attack in the mind ) started this afternoon - I said to myself how can I serve my family - so I set to doing all the work in the kitchen.  Its amazing how its impossible to lust while cleaning dirty dishes with a brush.  Also I did meanial chores & errands for my wife schlepping here and there to gather this and that - she could not believe her luck - - in actuallity  I was staving off the madness.
All is ok for now.

Joey, I'm so happy that you're a step ahead of me . Keep up the good work.

Esh Tamid Tukad!!!

Gevura!

Ppl im in the same wagon with u all. It's hard it's tough. Is there a way out? Will ever be able to look at a shul as a place of parying and learning? And not be attract to men? father in haven help me I'm Husband and father. How can face ever day the love ones of my life? The guilt the shame. When they should to know who there father really is. I CAN'T I CAN'T