I'm new and young, but what alex said is really true, women are unbelievable at sensing growth and appreciating genuine effort, especially with connecting and relationships. Hatzlochoh Rabbah!

alexeliezer wrote on 22 Feb 2012 16:29:


This is very true. She still doesn't understand but she has been reading this site and some medical literature on SA. She obviously still doesn't understand and full forgiveness is a long way off I think now she sees that it's not so pshat, and that we have a way out of this.

One thing she keeps on saying is that if I'd only told her  myself she would have taken it a lot easier. I really wish I had told her myself - I can see now that having her know is the only way I could break the cycle. I'm not going to say BH she found out, but there obviously a good reason why Hashem had it happen. When I was calling to Hashem for hatzlacaha in hallel today I realy felt something.

your not alone!!!
GYE just put a link in their chizuk emails curethecravings.com Thai have a program for wives
it explains the wive and also shows that Thai feel and understand her hardship
i myself I'm on their recovery and it works great

this isn't about scoring points in Hallel, or about what you can say to fix things for your wife.  Guess what, the work from here on in has nothing to do with you and your awesome powers to fix your wife and make her feel better.  It's totally and utterly in H" hands.  You have nothing to do with any of what happens in your wife's heart.  What comes, comes.  We ask Gcd to guide us, and we open ourselves to doing His will, throughout the day.
My wife has gone through wild wild moments.  It's hard for me to accept that I can't control her freak outs.  ME?? NOT IN CONTROL??? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!  I'm ON THE EDGE,  I can control people, make them worry, not worry, feel good, etc. 
Actually, no, that's not the case.  MY job is TO ALWAYS ASK WHAT THE NEXT RIGHT THING TO DO AND GO DO IT.
Speak to your wife lovingly, as you should, apologizing when and where you are wrong.  If you work the programme, trust Gcd, clean house, do service, help others, the chances that your relationship with your wife won't improve is 0.00%.  Yip, my guarantee to you.  It iS IMPOSSIBLE THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL falter if you follow the spiritual principles of this programme.
But wait, that means you may have to turn YOUR ENTIRE WILL AND BEING OVER TO HASHEM!! 

wow!
i admire your strength
following the truth is a very strong pinnacle

Yechida wrote a letter for wives to read. It is on the old GYE Website over here www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1795  Have your wife read it.
Problem totally solved or at least a step in the right direction.

Welcome to the forum WH,

I have been struggling with these issues since I was a kid, and well into my marriage.  I joined the forum about 3 years ago.  Little by little, I disclosed things to my wife.  Since your wife has found out about your problem, it makes things easier.  However, it's unwise to go ahead and tell her everything you ever did or thought; she doesn't need to know it and it just does more harm than good.

I once heard the definition of being "powerless" (which is a sign of addiction) as follows:  You never know which time will be the one when you lose control.  Sometimes we DO seem to be able to control ourselves.  But it's those times when we can't that indicate the true extent of our problem.

It sounds like, despite the difficulties, you are pretty much getting along with your wife and able to communicate openly.  This is a tremendous blessing.

Regarding all those worries about messing up your life and your relationship with your wife because of all those images in your head--Don't think about that now.  Just focus on what you can do, from now on, to make things better.

Did you download the GYE handbook?  It is full of tools and attitudes which are very helpful for this struggle.  You'll find the handbook (and lots of other ideas for how to get the most out of GYE) at this link:

www.guardyoureyes.com/breakingfree/first-time-here

The best thing you can do is just keep on posting; keep in touch.

Good luck to you,

Elyah

BH have had a good run of 32 days, and wife has a lot more understanding as well. We had a hard time finding an appropriate therapist to talk to around where I live (Not NY or Israel) but tracker one done.

Thank you all for your help and understanding.

Great news. I like to repeat a lot to everyone (it helps me internalize), remember to go slow - one day at a time. A fall doesn't need to become a tumble down the cliff, just keep on going.

Glad to hear of your success.
Keep your commitment to being sober.  Your wife will come around and you will have an amazing marriage.

Hey fellow watch your step, you are almost falling of the 90 day list
I really admire your resolve.

NU? So sweet chaver - what's new?