Hey everyone!  I just found this site and I want to tell my story and get feedback.  It's always nice to know there are other people in your situation.

I grew up non religious until I was 20, living a typical non-religious lifestyle.  Then at 20 I suddenly flipped out hard and became the most from person in the city i was living in.  I went through much of the talmud and learned all the time (i finished zevachim by myself).  I was pretty machmir and was able to be celibate for 2 years.  I did not look at porn for 5 years, but around the 3rd year I started to cool down from my yidishkite fire.  Things in the talmud stopped making sense to me, like rabbis sitting in front of mikvas, giant animals hanging onto the side of the teiva, and a bunch of other aggaditah stories.  I looked at the rishonim for answers but wasnt satisfied.  Anyways, i was still very religious, but the lust attacks were getting worse until i just couldnt resist and i started masturbating.  I felt guitly but not as guilty as i used to feel about it.  I started to think that maybe god doesnt care about all these little things, and i cant get my soul dirty because i didnt wash my hands in a certain way in the morning, or tie my shoes the wrong way etc.  I still loved and love yiddishkeit and the beauty of the torah but i felt that we took a wrong turn somewhere and lost the forest for the trees. 

Anyways I started to think that probably god doesn't care if we masturbate and I still think that.  But I also think that pornography is disgusting and wrong.  While I know every spiritual journey cant shoot straight up, this is my first yeridah and i do not want to look at porn.  While I also do not really want to masturbate I am not going to beat myself up because its not normal for a 26 year old male to be celibate and I really dont think god cares.  Hes not going to send good people to hell for this, that just doesnt make sense to me.  I dont want to look at porn because I think it hurts a person's perspective on a lot of things, and it feels wrong.
So that is where I am holding now.  If anyone has any questions for me i'd be happy to answer.  Thanks for listening.

WELCOME aharon!  It's nice to have you with us.  One question I would ask is - how do you decide if something is right or wrong?  How do you know if "G-d really cares" or not?

Oh, and here's the official welcome package.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here

Aharon,
Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.

Think about giving up just one thing.  Lust.
Because it is lust that is unhealthy.
It is lust that can ruin your life, your spirituality, your future marriage.
It nearly ruined all of the above for me.

It's erev Shabbos so I must be brief.
You sound like a really bright and interesting guy.  I hope you'll stick around and give us all chizuk.

Good Shabbos!
Alex

Hey Aharon24,

I just turned 27 myself and I'm still single, and I know that it can be very difficult at times dealing with lust. BUT the more you feed it the more you need it. Even dating is something that is at least a couple of years away for me, let alone marriage. However, I actually feel far freer and happier now I'm not addicted than I ever was when I was basically a lecherous addict.

Also, I have hit rock bottom before, and I know that all my problems and suffering stemmed from addiction to masturbation. I used to think, whatever, you'd have to be a proper loser to end up like that, I'll never be one of those failure statistics. From my own personal experiences, I know that the consequences of masturbation are deadly serious and that it literally leads to death.

Whether those excruciating experiences were a blessing or a curse, I'm still not sure about today. What I will share with you is that I'd rather die than go through it again. Trust me mate, God does care, and the warnings from the rabbis are not fairy tales designed to frighten naughty little boys. I just hope you don't find out the painful way like me.......

BW,

DL