So I did something huge today. My sister has an eating disorder and in trying to talk to her I admitted I had a problem with pornography. As I was talking, I realized how much of my advice I needed to take. And I really have been taking it. Until tonight (two days) I managed to steer clear of multiple sources of filter and covenant eyes znus and fought strong urges to be z"lb. then I couldnt take it anymore. I had to see this one video. and it was nothing I hoped for. then I tried the image search. of course, on the filter free computer I got whatever I wanted. mind you, I got this new one because that machine only has half a screen. but I was desperate. I wasnt depressed, I have been feeling closer to Hashem. I just couldnt take the voice screaming DO IT. I am powerless to that voice. and I dont admit emotionally how much of a fall this is. I had the chance to be huge, but I blew it on something stupid. I want to go the rest of my stay at home totally clean. but I need help. I need to open up to Hashem and have Him guide me. I cant do this. Only with His help. I understand that now. I have been listening to shiurim that have been great chizuk, and I noticed how cold I have been to seeing His hand in my life, how numb. And I know that I just made it worse byfalling.and I know that I need to listen to the advice everyone has poured out their hearts with, and I need to read what everyone said o read. this hurts so much. if I was a little more honest I'd cry. Iwas really hping to make it clean. but you know what, I learned another thing. I dont want to be clean for any reason other than being able to feel a relationship with Hashem. this really gets in the way of doing that. not because my life has become out of control. I did great in schoo and I still learn everyday. but my spriritual life, forget it. It's not there, because I'm so trapped in this tumah. I'M DONE.I dont know what I need to do, but I have to do it. I cant take this anymore I have to gain control. my ocd has been horrible, my well being, my truthfulness, even my middos ( I got road rage the other day and flipped out a person. I felt horrible after that.) I'm done. I must get clean. My mashgiach has been checking in with me, trying to help me in this battle (yes I have told people) and while I was in the midst of falling I thought, how can I admi I fell. and while I was falling a friend texted me out of the belew and told me I was a good man. and I thought, if only he knew. Hashem has been calling and I just wont listen. I'm done. I pray that I will never again be typing a rant like this in the snese that its afall, but only more honesty. Please G-d. help me...
.
