I am honestly starting to believe that I will never be able to stop. Its really scary but I have tried hundreds if not thousands of times. I see so many people on this forum and other forums that fall all the time in mstbtn however I see so many people in my schools/yeshivos that never fall. It is as if they dont have a taiyvoh and honestly it makes me feel different. Like I am a worse person. I made it through the entire ellul zman and I made it a month here and a month and a half there, but when I have the opportunity it is as if a subconscious being is pulling me towards acting out on my taioyvos. I hate saying this and it scares me to death that I may never break my addiction. I am even pushing my shidduch dating off because I want to have a 90 day streak before I get married so I can prove to myself I can do it, but I keep pushing myself more and more and I keep falling. I read the 12 step program and I get depressed about where I am holding. I should be a good jew and I am acting like an animal with no control. I am not interested in doing therapy because it would make me feel worse however I want to work on myself internally and change the way I am. I have worked on many character traits in the past and I have changed. I know the capabilities are present in me to make significant changes for the better however I feel I just havent employed the proper system until now. I am honestly just looking for advice and help on this. I want to change and I know I am no different than anyone on this forum and. I emplore you to help me change because I want to see if a true addict can really ever change.

Welcome aboard.  We wish you tremendous Hatzlacha in your recovery and are praying for you.

The following only applies if you are an addict.

"If you believe you can or you believe you can't, you are right!" 
The key here, imho, is to believe that you can't.  Why?  So you get yourself out of the way of recovery.  Once you are convinced that you can't stop you have only two options.
1) Give up and continue to live your life as it is -MISERABLE or
2)Turn it all over to HASHEM and let Him handle everything
Do you believe in Hashem?  Of course you do.  Do you believe He is all powerful?  Maybe.  Test Him.  Every time you are faced with a challenge ask Him to handle it for you.  Maybe the test isn't there for you to pass but for you to pass along to Him?  See if this helps and let us know.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov 

I second the motion.
I would also encourage you to observe very strict shmiras eynayim.  And guard your mind vigilantly against fantasies.  Start davening AS SOON AS you sense any lustful thoughts or the desire to have sex with yourself.
I commend you for putting off shidduchim until you are solidly in recovery.  This shows a very strong commitment.  Just channel that commitment in the best possible way (see previous post) and you WILL succeed.
Daven a lot for this.

Hey abcd1234,

Getting started is ALWAYS the hardest part. The first and most painful step is honestly saying to yourself, I am WILLING to SURRENDER the amazing pleasure that masturbation, porn, illicit sexual activities etc give me because it is destroying me and my life.

Then, the easiest way to break the habit is to replace the urge to sin with a healthy alternative activity. This is cos you can't just get rid of the desire to waste seed overnight. For me, exercise, school work and music were my other outlets.

The GYE handbooks are also great sources of material to help you understand why it is so important to work on breaking free and gaining sexual purity. The more you read about these issues, the more you will realise that what you gain from self-mastery is FAR more than what you lose by saying goodbye to an addiction that brings you nothing but misery and self-contempt.

Best of luck and hope this year sees a lot of progress in all our lives.

BW,

DL 

dear abcd1234

I know your pain and how it hurts so. What has really helped me is when ever i think/start acting out i ask myself will the girl under the chuppah approve what i am about to do.

wishing you the best of luck Tryhard

abcd1234 wrote on 08 Jan 2012 13:31:

Looks like you are almost ready to admit that you need help.  GREAT!

abcd1234 wrote on 08 Jan 2012 13:31:

Firstly, how do you know they never fall?  Do they know that you fall?  Secondly, what difference does it make?

abcd1234 wrote on 08 Jan 2012 13:31:

Is that the sound of hitting bottom .

abcd1234 wrote on 08 Jan 2012 13:31:

Now you sound like you want to beat it all by yourself.  Is your goal to be sober, or to beat the yetzer hara?  You seem to be frustrated that you can't beat it, but unwilling to get help???

abcd1234 wrote on 08 Jan 2012 13:31:

Haven't you seen addicts that have changed, or at least heard of it?  There are many addicts on this site, and many have changed.  They have changed, not by beating it, or by using 'the proper system'.  They have learned to let go and to let others help them (including Hashem).  Are you ready to do that?

I read all this talk about willing to give it up to Hashem to deal with it... How does that practically work???
And what if you dont have Emunah and are struggling in the area of believin in god and that he runs the world??
And I cant believe i got into this!! I NEVER THOUGHT DREAMED OR IMAGINED that I would have a problem with this!! How can I give up control and admit that this is an addiction?
Maybe it is just a phase?? How do I know??

I agree with giving it up to Hashem, but it takes training. I have been working on my relationship with Hashem to the point that I try to talk to Him as a big brother who can help and guide me. 

But while I am doing that I dont let go, I still make the efforts at the saME time to stay focused, keep my mind busy so the YH has no chance to bother me because I AM TOO BUSY FOR HIM ANYWAYS.

The worse thing is to be idle. It may be a big mitzvah for you to take a part time job just so you stay busy. Whatever you do, you WILL SUCCEED, and success is measured in more instances of sur merah, not perfection just improvement.

Im Yirtze Hashem (with G-ds help) applies only for those things we cant control, what creeps into our mind we cant control --- we can control what we look at,  8) and we can control where our hands go afterwards, on a keyboard or down to our pants :-[.

I for one, have found the best thing that works for me is I no longer am online after 10.30 pm when I am tired, nor do I browse the computer when no one is around. Our pc is in the kitchen !  get your computer to a public place !!!

if I have to go online and nobody is around I do what I need to do and get off NO BROWSING !!!

THis has worked wonders !! 75 days going to 90 strong !@!!  A Mechayeh !!!! theres no greater feeling than being FREE !~!!!!!!!

abcd1234, have you seen the yesterday's daily dose.  Take a look here www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4695.msg130451#msg130451 , I think it addresses your issue.

Thanks to all. I read every single response with due care and respect. I
love this family just giving with no taking. Makes me proud to be a Jew.

I'm not a Jew btw, but pleased if I could help at all.

BW,

DL