So I have been doing fairly well but the last day I learned how to unsafe search my search engine and I slipped.  I wanted to see if I could find something and typed in an innocent enough inquery yet sort of trying to slip, yet I didnt want to.  I saw one quick pic and immediately closed the browser.  I dont know if I should count this as a slip or a fall.  I am so close to 30 days and I would feel horrible if I fell off the streak, but I'm not sure I can honestly say I have had  a month streak when I get there.  My whole plan was to reward myself with something (techeles) when I hit 30 days and there is an annoynomous person helping me with it (he likes when people take on thigns to grow in avodas Hashem).  I feel really bad and wont do it again.  I know the point is to just want to stay clean, and not slip, but this is how I push forward.  I'm not sure what to do.  what do you yall think?

and I pushed it too far.  I fell.  On some level I'm ok with it, obviously not happy, but I know what my mistake was.  I sipped.  I peeked.  I cant do that.  Once I do I lose control, and I have so little of that as it is.  I am ready for the next round.  I'm just afraid my yetzer is too...I havent been handling him so well lately...

i know and i think we all know.  How many times did i/we listen to that little voice inside(yh) say to us "i wonder what this search inquiry will produce.  Of course i am not interested in anything other than the knowledge"  and then we are hit over the head with a 2x4 and dragged away kicking and screaming.  i am an addict and i am finally aware that like an alcoholic, i can't have even a little taste or sip because that 2x4 is waiting to him me in the head again and drag me away from where i need/want to be.  The ultimate victory is to everyone who gets up after a fall and renews the struggle again, stronger with the knowledge they gained from the most recent battle. BTW, is there something you can add to what you were doing previously to help you along your path to recovery?
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

stay occupied!  boredom kills me on an emotional level, a spiritual level and a "staying clean" level.  im not sure how to do that though..also gain some clarity in my hashkafa and emuna.  I've been really confused lately and that definitely had a part in this fall.

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 02 Jan 2012 16:04:

Make friends.  Talk to them often.  Clarity in hashkafa and emunah is nice, but it never saved anyone who was testing what an "innocent" Google search will bring up.

Keep on truckin my friend.

I'm concerned.  I wasnt able to stop myself again.  Why would Hashem let me learn how to disable such an important component to my staying clean?  I dont have the weight of time behind me now, and I'm really scared I'm just going to keep getting further away from where I need to be.  As it is I feel so distant from Hashem.  I wish I hadnt just looked, yet I want to look more.  this is so strange.  I almost didnt, but then I did.  I seem frantic. and I feel such too.  i knew what I was doing was wrong but I wanted it more than to be good. ugh.  why...

I have a solution.  I'm taking the password out of my hands.  unfortunately the person I learned how to unsafe search learned something from me, and we both struggle.  now were both struggling. ugh. but maybe we can both fix it...

Thanks for sharing this so honestly.
Did you work your fences before your falls?
Did you share your slipping (before the fall) with a live person not just virtual?
Are you perhaps ready to work a program that actually works for people like me and you?
Mottel

so basically the answers to most of those are no.  regards to the last, I'm not sure.  I'm at aweird place where I feel that I have distanced myself from Hashem (not just in sexual abuse) that I am afraid to have a relationship with him because it will require me to break the build up of my heart.  its fairly hard right now, and as much as I really dont want that, I'm afraid of of fixing it.  the level I'm at seems to be much lower and less obvious that Hashem is in my life, and its easier that way.  however it hurts a lot more.  so, yes I am ready, but scared and dont have so much time to really commit.  I'm also still afraid of facing live people, probably because I'm afraid of live people on some level in general.  I dont think SA is appropriate for me and my problems, and there really isnt much of an alternative around here.  there are no self help groups that I am aware of, and the social anxiety may be too much to start one.  although perhaps I should.  I may actually, but that requires a lot of commitment and breaking out of my shell.  scary stuff.  sorry for the stream of conciousness rant, but thanks for inspiring it!

It sounds like you have the answer but are afraid to face it.

yeah.  I'm working up to it.  I did however take the internet out of my hands. I am now monitered and dont have access to the password. i gave that to a friend.  its under his email so mamash I cant find anything.  but i would like to develop my relationship with Hashem a bit better.  I think it starts with narrowing down what I actually believe, or maybe more admitting to myself what I believe.  accepting it.  yet being honest.  Finals week.  i think im going to focus on this a bit more next week when I'm really free all day for two weeks..youl probably be hearing from me then...

i wish i knew what i can do to help, but i think you know it isn't up to me it is up to you.  i will do what i can for you, i will daven for you that you shouldn't have to hit bottom before you pick yourself up.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 03 Jan 2012 14:47:

Your relationship with hashem starts with your relationship with people.  Be open and honest with people first.  You are still in your own head too much.  I tried to figure out my relationship with hashem and my emunah etc, etc, for a long time.  It didn't help me one bit.  That's not where the action recovery is.

my relationship with people is stifled by having a lack of available social interaction.  i have experiened and been told that my school is not an easy place to meet people, and though I have some people I am friendly with it is very difficult, and I dont know how to take the next step and start relationships, even shallow ones.  its something I have always struggled with and is somewhat external to my own abilities..so to make recovery dependent on that is a frusterating concept.

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 03 Jan 2012 16:11:

... but probably a true one.  What about people on this here forum?