So I'm in it for the long haul this time.  At day 20 and staying strong but its starting to get hard. (starting HA!).  im having cravings and I know what I can do with just one click.  BH I havent and I made it through a shower clean too (no pun intended) but I was thinking about dropping it all.  ugh.  i need some chizuk.  thanks for listening.

I WISH I can be in your shoes. You don't realize what 20 days means! Also, try singing in the shower and doesn't looking down make the water tickle your nose and make you crazy??? I try not to uncover myself until right before entering the shower as a shmira. Just offering some suggestions.... 20 days....oh, do I envy you...My heart's churning after four days....Go GYE! I owe them and this 'Dov' guy a lot! Not to mention the support group I've never really had before...Mi Kamocha Ba'eilim Hashem and Mi K'Amcha Yisrael.

i am going to start to sound like a broken record(are you old enough to remember records?), as i was saying like a broken record... i read on the forum some advice that has helped me tremendously from day 30-56(today).  Whenever a thought, an urge, a memory etc comes around i simply say "Thank you for stopping by.  I am too busy right now to spend time with you. Goodbye!"  it works even better if i say it out loud but it isn't always practical.  i think this is what is meant by "Let go and Let GOD" but i am still learning.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Good to know you are serious!
Stay in touch, there is no mitzva to do it on your own.
Mottel

we always have those tough days. When it gets tough for me, I like writing about it on the forum and trying to figure out why today was a tough day. Was I not careful enough? Did something happen to make me really want to run away from reality?
If you do this, you might gain some clarity and see where you might be able to strengthen your defenses.
Keep up the amazing work!

I've been bored and lonely.  I figured out that what I really feel I am lacking is close companions adn thats what makes me act out generally.  I had a slip last night (not knocking from my tally of 3+weeks!) that lasted about 10 seconds before I realized what I was throwing away and shut the sceen.  its really hard because I do need to have friends, but you cant just make them appear by working on yourself.  my emuna is also low.  that I'm not 100% sure why, but I attribute it somewhat to spending too much time watching videos of things I used to like doing before I made teshuva.  nothing ussur, just not so Torahdig.  thanks for listening.  it means a lot to me. bhatzlacha and chodesh tov!

its getting really hard to say no. i keep having little slips again. im so unfocused.  I dont know what to do. I dont want good.  I feel like I'm not dedicated to avodas Hashem, to Torah or anything positive.  I know that deep down I am but its so covered over right now that I'm going nuts.  I keep thinking whats the point. I'm at a really low adn risky point right now for staying clean.  i came really close to blowing it last night and starting that way agaian today.  I really dont want to becuase it wil only get harder if I do. i know that.  but its so hard now too.  and I feel Hashem isnt listening to my tefillos for help, and if He is He's not answering in a way thats clear.  ugh what do I do?!

i have no answer for you.  i am praying for your success, that is all i can offer.
chaimyakov

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 28 Dec 2011 15:35:

Dear SSBT,

I think you are actually very fortunate.

But do you want me to share what works for me in this terrible pickle you describe? Or do you think I am that predictable that I do not need to....

Or, does it not really matter, because whatever I say will be unacceptable, anyway?

I'll stay back...just let me know, K?

you would suggest surrender or sorts.  I have been finding that very difficult because for a majority of the day I found myself unable to believe in Whom I surrender too.  I was doing great until I became depressed.  then I became doubtful. and deep down I understand why adn I understand that my whole issue is not surrendering when I need to and being able to say I dont know but that is really hard for me to do.  to even admit that is hard for me to do.  this is not so much stubborness as much as my nature.  I have OCD, diagnosed.  I cant live with doubt well.  when I have doubts I spiral out of control. I am also afraid of being alone.  porn made me feel like I was with someone.  so when I am lonely (against my control to a large degree) I spiral out.  when they both come at the same time this happens.  I am actually feeling much better, but I still am struggling.  I am still almost teary because I miss my Avinu bShmayim, I miss understanding what that means.  Its a dark time of year, and it often hits me like this.  but that doesnt make it any easier and I really dont want to fall farther than I already feel I am. 

Do you have friends from this forum or otherwise that you can call?  Calling a friend and telling him about our troubles can help quite a bit.

about desires not so much. about everything else, sort of.  Loneliness has been a tough nisoyan this zman, and really a good portion of my life.  I have trouble making close friends that I can really open up to and will appreciate/understand what I'm going through.

What about on this forum?  Have you met/spoken to anyone?

once yes.  not so much though.  maybe I should. I have made some attempts and kept in touch via email with some but not so much recently.

I have found that speaking to people regularly (as regularly as I can) has helped me a lot!