thank you for sharing it is so helpful to hear how you come to face with yourself I see me in you.Amazing.

helpme! wrote on 18 Mar 2012 10:51:


THAT is what fuels the addiction!  Self-centeredness.  I've got a huge EGO.  Then, when things don't go my way, I get all restless, irritable, and discontent (RID)--in particular, full of fear and resentment.  THEN I'm in a lot of pain and I want to feel better, so I act out to medicate myself.

If I work on my EGO, being more humble and more tolerant, less things in life disturb me, and then I feel less compelled to act out.

--Elyah

Thanks for the share.  Also the son of addicts as well as a sibling of addicts.  I pray daily that i should not become the parent of an addict, but if that is THE PLAN than at least i will be in a position to help and guide them when they are ready.
How did the phone conference go?
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Day 49 - 7 weeks. tomorrow is my shavuos, i guess? Well...i better stay on day 49 and not jump ahead already...

Thankyou for all your responses - it is really mechazek me
I didnt manage to do the phone conference - there were things that were beyond my control. you know, things happen that you couldve stopped, but some things you just cant do anything about, thats the way it is. I suppose its just an obstacle for me to igonore and 'lechatchila areber' - jump over the obstacles! Next week, imyh ill be in the phone conference.

Hey,

I've read a couple of your posts. Happy to see that you're doing well.

I just wanted to comment about how great I think it is that you're on your path to teshuvah and are fighting this yetzer harah. You mentioned that parents had issues of their own and of a similar nature. As their child, you can perhaps be m'takken their shortcomings.

Anyways, I wish you much success and hatzlachah rabbah!

DAY 50 CHAG HASHAVUOS
It says that the yidden were in 49 shaarei tumah/klipah when Hashem took them out of Egypt. The kelpiah was so strong that only Hashem could save them. Chumash Shmos says how Hashem heard their cry, sent Moshe and took the yidden out. In Chasidus it explains what we say in the hagada 'Hashem took us out, not through a malach, not through a shaliach, but only Melech Malchei Hamlachim Hakadosh Baruch Hu', because if a malach or shaliach tried to take the yidden out of Miztrayim they would have been 'caught' by the klipa of Mitzrayim. Therefore only Hashem Himself - not a king, not a king of kings but only The King, King of Kings, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that for Him the kelpia does not tofes makom (has no significance) and therefore Hashem took the yidden out Himself. It took 49 days, however, to get the yidden ready for matan Torah, they had to work on themselves, ridding themselves of the 49 shaarei tumah, middah by middah until they came to the nun shaarei binah, which is on Shavuos. This consolidated everything that happened on by yitzias mitrayim.

yesh lomar lefi anias daate....Our sickness is like the nun shaarei tumah, that no malach or shliach, or any madrega, not olam haba, not even gan eden haelyon, not even atzilus, not even or ain sof shelifne hatzimtzum can get us out. Only Hashem Himself. And 'who is like Our G-d, to Whom we can always call out?'(Mi CeHashem Elokeinu, Becol Kareinu Alav....a little difficult to translate) we can call out to the very  Essence of Hashem, to Atmuso uMahuso, and He will answer us, like He answered the yidden by Mitzrayim, and take us out of our personal golus. But after that, we have to work on ourselves, albeit with Hashem's help, and slowly, slowly, one day at a time, we reach Shavuos, when the yidden and Hashem become married (or bethrothed is more appropriate - it says that marriage happens when Moshiach comes, very speedily in our days amen cen yehi ratzon) and have a yichud amitius.

But lets not forget, after having a geulah pratiis (private redemption) we need a geula clalilis (general redemption) for all clal yisroel, and we need to shout out to Hashem: 'Enough with the golus! we cant stand it! We cant deal with it ourselves! Only YOU alone can save us! Take us out of exile and bring moshiach NOW, like you took me out of my own exile and like you took the yidden out of Mitzrayim! The yidden cant continue suffering like this!' just like we screamed out to Hashem and demanded from Him to save us from our addiction!

As the Baal ha Tanya veShulchan Aruch says 'I dont want your olam haba. I dont want your gan eden hatachton. I dont want your gan eden haelyon. All I want is You Alone'.

As Dov always reminds us, if we take a look at our past we are quickly reminded that we are still addicts, we still have lust (i still feel it all the time and ask Hashem to help me every day) and we cant forget the first step - I cant do this alone. I am helpless. I need Hashem's help! So after 15 years of me m*** and watching p*** with a 40-50 day break here and there, but still looking at g***s, 50 days of shmiras haeynayim, no p***, no m*****, only 1 small slipup on the way, we must still go day by day, asking Hashem for help.

very cool post helpme!!  shkoach.  Would have liked to print it off for my seder but then I thought... lol... I'll keep that one for me.  ;-) 

Or leday 53
Just heard a nice vort and thought i should share it with everyone...
When Moshe asked Pharoh for freedom to the yidden all he asked for is 3 days journey to make sacrifices. Why didnt he tell him the truth, that they wanted eternal freedom? Some explain that if Moshe hadve said that they are going forever, Pharoh would not have agreed, so Moshe said 3 days. But, the question still stands because Pharoh's heart was in the hand of Hashem, as it says 'and I will strengthen the heart of Pharoh'. Why didnt Hashem just force Pharoh to let the yidden go forever, and Moshe wouldnt have had to lie about the 3 days?
Ela may....The Torah is coming to teach us an important lesson: When we are dealing with a rasha like Pharoh, or with a yetzer horo that acts like Pharoh, if we tell him we are 'leaving Egypt to serve Hashem' forever, its just not going to work. Thats the way Hashem made it. We have to tell the YH that we are going to make sacrifices for just 3 days, and we will return. Under these conditions, Pharoh/YH will let us go, and 'the people fled' - we must just run and run away.

Thats the end of what I heard. I think that relates to each and every one of us. Our addiction is Pharoh, melech Mitzrayim that wont let us go to serve Hashem and get the Torah, go into Eretz Yisroel and build the Beis Hamikdash. He has us doing avoidas parech, with no meaning to our lives. If we try, like many of us have been tryng for quite some time before GYE, to leave the YH forever, the YH wont let us. We will remain trapped. No matter how many 'plauges' of limud hatorah and mitzvos we try and 'infect' the YH with if he knows that we are trying to escape to eternal freedom, Hashem will strengthen his heart and wont let us go. What we have to do is play a game with him. Tell him 'just a few minutes, Im going to make sacrifices to Hashem, ill be back dont you worry'. Then he will let us go. And every time he asks us 'nu, what's happening? When you coming back'. Well tell him 'were on our way, just a few more minutes'  8)

Just read through the thread quickly which was really mechazek me....it reminded me just how far ive come (and just how far I have to go). I recomend it to anyone, its a real big chizukto have an overlook at your own thread from time to time...some things i see and i ask myself 'did i really write this?'

Day 54
Tough stuff. We had to borrow a computer from a friend because both me and my wife need a computer for the next week, and i didnt even think about the fact that it has no K9 and i cant go and start installing filters on someone else's computer! I unfortunately know how to do things on a computer without anyone knowing about it. Today I felt the very strong urge, I felt that helplessness that an addict feels. I felt that little voice inside of me that wants to do what Hashem wants slowly vanish (even though its always there, but it gets concealed) and I started to say Tehillim. I started to cry, I was saying tehillim with tears in my eyes, begging Hashem to just give me 5 minutes of freedom... by hashgocho protis I was reading psalm 22, and came up to the words 'hatzila mecherev nafshi' save my soul from the sword, 'mipi celev yechidasi' save my ?yechida? from the mouth of a dog, 'hoshieni mipi aryeh' save me from the mouth of a lion etc and my covono was that Hashem should save me from the addiction. Because I cant do it myself. I need Hashem with me.
And please keep posting, even something small, it is mechazek me
from
'helpme!', lust addict for 15 years (around 5500 days). sober for 54 days

54 days already?! i dont have to tell you that that is great!!but i will anyway - THAT IS GREAT! you give me chizuk, you know.i know it's difficult, but the rewards are worth it! work now, get reward later.that's the way life works.
jack

Wow!
Tehillim 22 has always been very powerfull for me too. Maybe also try 51 where Dovid asks forgiveness after the story with Bas Sheva, I feel it's close to home because it's the same topic (not CH"V that he was addicted like us, but the general subject of properly directing our relationships with man and Hashem)

Day 76. 2 weeks to go
Just when I begin to think that 'wow, 76 clean days. amazing. free from everything'. etc. On that same day I had some of the most difficult nisyonos i have had for a long time. I practically fell...but, i remembered I have to ask Hashem for a few minutes. all of our cochos come from the abeshter. Just a few minutes at a time.
For various reasons I am yet to join a SA group. Still none in my area. Now that we are after Pesach, etc, I plan to imyh join the phone group in Israel next week.

Im feeling up and down in my relationships to people, but overall I feel that I am beginning to see the other person. Its avoida. Real avoida.

76?? WOWY KAZOWY!!! it seems like just yesterday when you started!

yes, it's real avoda alright. keep going.keep going.you are a model for ALL oF US!!

jack