I recently started shidduch dating and I find that some times during/after date I have strong feelings towards acting out, or maybe not acting out rather just having inappropriate thoughts. Obviously I know that these feelings are completely normal I just feel badly about having these thoughts/feelings and it is causing me agvas nefesh. I feel like I should be dating and thinking about her personality and trying to figure out whether she is what I am looking for as a wife looking after my kids biezras hashem and not about tayvos bialma. I am posting this thread to hear if any of you may have some eitzah tova for me to help me and maybe others who may have the same issue. I honestly don't feel that I have something wrong with me rather I just want to be marcheik myself from this as much as possible. Please, if you have eitzah and feel that it is shayach to my question, please please let me know what worked for you. Thanks!

quote #1
abcd1234 wrote on 11 Sep 2011 04:50:


quote #2
abcd1234 wrote on 06 Dec 2011 23:25:


I think you should focus on quote #1 and things will fall into place for quote #2.

i had actual struggles with shomer negia (when i was dating, engaged) with my wife that hopefully i did sufficient teshiva for on yk

its a big struggle

i dont know if i have any great advice other than saying maybe you could think to urself (as a way of pushing the yh off) : "if she becomes my wife, i will be able to be w her in kedusha and tahara, so I should not ruin that now by fantacizing abt her looks when she is not even involved. i dont want to ruin what might be...." maybe that will help a lil.

maybe thats a trigger for u- if so frgt it

Welcome back A1 !
Outside of dating, how has the struggle been going for your since you came here in September?

I havent been doing so great. I made 45 days then fell and now I am a week clean althought I feel tayvos coming back on again. I really dont want to fall again but I started dating so it got a little hard for me.

Your honesty is appreciated.

The concensus here is to get some sobriety under your belt before starting dating.

Sobriety doesn't mean a clean streak.  It means taking steps to get away from the fierce struggle.  It generally involves vigilant shmiras eynayim, guarding the mind from fantasies, and lots of tefilah.

What is your recovery plan?

I dont really have a plan set up. I figured I would just think about it a lot bihisbododus and try and really be machshiv how bad it is but honestly I dont know if that is enough so maybe I will do some other things. I just dont know what. I am trying to focus on the 12 step program a little bit also and maybe start taking part more in discussions with everyone.

alexeliezer wrote on 07 Dec 2011 20:21:


However, having a clean streak will be very helpful in getting out of the unhealthy thinking. A good 90 days can do wonders to the way you relate to women. (i.e. human beings and not just chunks of meat.)

The way I understand it, sobriety gets the shmutz out.  Now we have a void where the shmutz lived which makes us quite uncomfortable.  We need recovery to fill that void so we don't need to run to the shmutz to sooth our problems.

Agreed and agreed.  My point is that reb a1 would be in a better place if he were truly sober and in recovery, rather than just fighting lust head on like so many of us tried to do for so many years.

A1, there are proven paths to recovery.  They work if you work them.  And they allow you to move on, to be in healthy relationships, to view women the way you wish you could.

So stop fighting so hard.  Give the struggle up to Hashem.  Study the steps.  Make them yours.

Ya but I dont think I am not going to date because of this struggle. I honestly think it would be foolish because I dont want to push off dating until I am too old, I feel I am doing better with it, obviously the tayvoh is every present but when I am with her I have less tayvoh to go on a bad site for instance. I set up my k9 now so pretty much every bad site is blocked, I even added in around 75 words that block out certain keywords in url's to help prevent myself from messing up. With hashems help Ill be able to make it through this but I just dont agree with what alexeliezer wrote about waiting only for the reason i stated above. I appreciate your advice but I feel it would be too much for me to just give it up. I know your right I have to take some more intense steps and I will do that as I have done in the last few days with stepping up the protection my k9 offers. Thanks everyone for the advice trust me I am reading all of it.

Hello Abcd1234,

(what kind of a name is that? Cmon, some character here!!!  this is too anonymous!!! or just plain lazy - ok choose a name, 1234abcd.....)

But seriously,

I don't think you should date until you has recovered over 90 days so you are really committed to sobriety.    Question you need to ask yourself:

Do you think you can create a household built on Kedusha if you are not sober? 

I feel sad that I did not stop even after I got married.  you may be deluding yourself if you believe you can have a holy home while seeking out p--- and acting out.

You say you dont have a plan. well heres one:

Your plan should include:

- 90 days of recovery;
- Go to an SA group;
- Find a therapist
- Stay in touch through the GYE blog and get support;
- Discover strategies that work for you (because each person is different) - you can share what works for you but it may not be the same for everyone.

With all the hard work, you will merit to have your Beshert because you are working hard at it.

Fact:  This stuff causes a lot of Shalom Bayis problems and women are extremely hurt. Even P is like bringing another being into the house and you will not reap the benefits of true connection with your wife.

To be honest, abcd...whatever, you are EXTREMELY fortunate because you have the million dollar chance to get it right before you marry, unlike myself and many other GYE members here who's wives have suffered, along with the rest of the family.

How so many of us all wish we could turn back the clocks, have had support needed and married Bikedusha UvTahara. But you have the chance and can take our lousy experience to teach you to do it right.

GYE has given us many tools to help us out of this mess. WE have no more excuses !!!!

Its up to you if you have the will to do it.  i think finding and Keeping your true bashert is a good enough reason !!
 
With love and support,

HY

abcd1234 wrote on 08 Dec 2011 19:10:


See this page, www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Can'tStop.asp , especially R Twerski's answer that marriage does NOT help with this problem.  Many, many of us can attest to this.  ME INCLUDED. For many, it makes it even worse.

abcd1234 wrote on 08 Dec 2011 19:10:

I don't think this constitues being in recovery.  R Twerski says you must tell her about it before you get married.  Are you ready for that?