I just feel like I need some new strategy. It is insane that I cannot make it past 4 days. I always set these lofty goals for myself - 1 week, 2 weeks, a month, forever...and then it's almost like I forget. And then before I know it I feel gross like always.
I seem like such a good jew to the people around me...but as hard as I try, I can't control what I do in public.
A lot of the guys on the 90 day chart with big scores are married...how's a single guy supposed to stay focused?

Hi Neshama and welcome,

you've come to the right place to learn how to get where you want to go.

i would recommend reading this thread www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1315.0. This fine fellow was single and was able to find the tools and help for his situation (now he is married). you can too. just keep your mind open to learn new things and keep at it, even if you encounter bumps along the way (which you will).

here is the official welcome, please take the time to read it along with the linked pdf's, especially the Handbook.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
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i know how you feel being a single yeshiva bochur
what works for me is focusing completely onsomething and devoting (or trying to) my life towards it (in my case my learning in yeshiva)
another thing that helps is dont focus on the long term focus one day at a time and eventually those one days add up to the weeks months and years we are all striving for.
as for your comparison between single guys and married ones i actually believe we have it easier at the beginning because we can totally run away from lust to an extreme until we can balance ourselves outas opposed to someone who  is married who has a wife

Hi neshama and WELCOME!  Don't worry about the married guys.  Some of them get worse once they are married.  Marriage is not a magic pill, and can indeed make the problem bigger not smaller.

In any event, there are a lot of singles struggling with this.  Use all the resources here.  Hatzlacha!

Neshamatehora,
Welcome to the kehilla!
You will find strategies here that can work for you if you work them diligently.
Forget the lofty goals.
Just commit to being clean today.  Each day, just get through that one day.  That's your only goal.  That's all any of us is ever asked to do.

And yes, psychologically it may seem less do-able when single.  But that's only because you're looking at this as an exercise in willpower -- and how long can your willpower last in the face of constant temptation?  But the struggle is much easier when we don't face temptation, when we zealously avoid looking at women in all settings.  And when, through repeated tefilla, we turn the battle for our mind over to Hashem, asking constantly for His help.

You will do this!

You're just beginning a wonderful new derech.  Read. Absorb. Do. Daven!

Hi Neshama,

A few things that work for me and might help you:

1.) Examine yourself honestly, and write down the situations that make you feel weak and vulnerable to falling.

2.) Then try and avoid these situations, but if it's impossible then try and get out of it asap. P.S. You may not always genuinely want to avoid tempting things like staring at that stunning girl etc but then go to point 3

3.) Think about how much you hate falling - how rough it makes you feel, how it takes you away from your goals in life and the fearsome consequences of wasting seed.

4.) On a more positive note, remember that by progressively breaking free from this addiction we are becoming better men and therefore going to a better place and a better life. You will also come closer to finding your destined wife wherever and whoever she may be.

5.) Keeping busy (with productive things lol) and scanning the Zohar on a daily basis helps too! This site's pretty good: dailyzohar.com/

Hope that helps and have a good weekend,

DL

 

I fell again. Thank you everyone for your support! I think the real problem is that I'm just not sure why Hashem cares...what does it matter what i do with this inclination? Are there makoros for this?

I got sober when I was single. It can be done & it is done. For me what worked was the 12 steps. I got a sponsor & worked the steps.

hatzlacha!



neshamatehora wrote on 25 Nov 2011 04:21:

neshamatehora wrote on 27 Nov 2011 16:57:

And if you find out why Hashem cares, then you'll be fine???  It doesn't work that way for most of us.  Your needing to "know" why Hashem cares is an answer, not a question.  Ie. it answers your behavior (makes you feel less guilty), it is not the cause of it.  You need to address the "real" cause my friend.

gibbor120 wrote on 28 Nov 2011 16:07:


But what is the real cause? I can't even figure that out myself...

like gibbor says, don't ask why Hashem cares, ask why YOU care.
I can't tell you what the real cause for your acting out is. But I can share my experiences. I know that for me, acting out is fake medication that I take to feel better when things are a bit rough. I know why Hashem doesn't like me to do it, but I know even more clearly why I don't like to do it. I just don't want to stick my head in the sand anymore thinking that I can run away from life. Life will always be here and the question is whether I want to face it and LIVE it, or just survive it.
The answer is clear to me. I want a beautiful family, I want to be happy (the real happy-the kind that knows how to be happy on the downs as well), I want to be a clear and honest thinker, I want to be nice to people and bring love and happiness into the world.
All that and more is why I'm not willing to give myself fake meds which are just gonna cause me to be more ashamed and upset which will cause me to take even more fake meds which will cause me to be even MORE upset which will necessitate more P&M and then maybe some drugs to really fix the problem. You realize the vicious cycle?

So, my guess is that like most people, you m**** and do p*** to run away from the daily pains of life. What you need to do is start facing pain and accepting its existence. Instead of running away from pain, grow from it, let it exist peacefully inside of you and watch how it magically disappears, leaving you a bigger and better person than before.

Take care and keep posting,

KH

neshama,  Take a look here: drsorotzkin.com/psychological_factors.html

Also, you may want to consider some 12 step stuff.  It has helped many people.

I'm attaching another good article.  Read the Dr Sorotzkin and Rabbi Keleman pieces towards the middle and end.

Can you relate?