trying to get started again. boy this is tough.

been fallin a lot recently. longest streak i've had has been around 4 days.

i think its primarily difficult because of lack of desire to change. its hard to see the big picture in the small moment.

but i can theorize all day. i think i want to make this thread particularly about getting practical advise and developing in that realm.

      some stratega i've started trying:
          i have a calendar posted on my wall with X's and for good days.
          i posted chizuk on the back of my door to remind me of who i am and what i'm working for
          i started to journal so as to improve my self-esteem which i know to be a deeper cause of this problem
          im trying to start excersising
          trying to stay on top of my schoolwork
 
the falls come primarily from wasting time online. i'm not compelled to fall without p$#^ ussually.

other issues that bother me include not feeling fulfilled in my relationship with Hashem primarily because of my self-perception. i've been through a lot of rough patches the past few months and just need to dive back into a pool of emunah. but i feel like there's a layer of ice preventing me from doing so.

trying to find myself again by reading my old attitudes, posts and journal entries.
       
          just thought i'd reach out

hey,

I know the feeling. It sounds like you're definitely on the right track though. You don't feel that you have the strength inside of you to continue with this struggle. You don't have a full conviction that you want to stop. So you came onto GYE looking for advice. I think that's exactly the right attitude. I'm holding at 100+ days. I started this current streak right before tisha b'av and I was a complete wreck. I wanted to stop but not really. I got onto GYE and wrote my feelings, got tons of chizuk, kept TONS, especially went I felt like giving up and here I am. So just keep posting, give OTHERS chizuk and you'll grow so much from that as well.

LOVE,

KH

I'm sitting here at my computer all alone thanksgiving eve tons of anoying hw to do, sitting around watching ted videos and wanting to just run away. i know where i ussually run to. i know what i ussually find myself chasing with little payoff. i've turned my room into a jail-cell. i almost never leave. i find speaking to anyone theraputic - that's how little interaction i have made with the outside world. its so difficult. i want to get out there. but im so trapped behind my studies (and therefore my computer). GYE is a great start i suppose to social activity. i'm naturally so social but not getting my dose makes me turn to things i don't like.

I hear you loud and clear.  I am in a simialr situation except I am not so social.  I'd like to be but I have trouble making new friends and this is my first semester at a new school.  i have some but eh.  so when I get lonely the internet becomes my friend.  its quick, easy.  I found sytems that block your use are effective.  i use covenant eyes which is monitered by my rebbe.  problem is I get creative and use other sources that arent monitered.  at this point I have next to no sources though, at least after a fall earlier today after 6 days.  I was so proud and then bleh. I think its important not to be in situations like this one where you are alone, but I personally find myself in them all too often.  its not being alone I fear, its knowing I have no other options.  its a bit depressing but I know it will get better.  it always does.  just hang in there.  it will get better. at least you want to want to get better!...

and Im also sitting in a room alone on thanksgiving typing up notes that I already did, but I crashed my comp trying to get it to work to get a fix adn erased everything.  youd think id learn after that right?  wrong...hopefully now.  tonight first, then tomorow, then the next day..its alot road but worth it.

This is a bit harsh, and I hope you know that I have no ulterior motive in this - I purely wish to help and want the best for you cuz i respect your openness and your honesty, see your pain, and know the frustration you write of very well. So I will try to share with you exactly what I need to be aware of, OK?

Here goes, be"H:

You find it therapeutic to speak to anyone....you feel trapped...you find yourself alone again and again...

From your post, and those of SSBT, one thing rings truest to me:

you both make being as isolated as possible your #1 priority.

Sure, when the pain gets bad enough from self-loathing, you reach out a bit - to a rebbi (who is not free of a masturbation habit because as far as you know he doesn't have one to begin with) or you 'reach out' virtually, here on this faceless forum.

Staying as isolated as possible is so important? Why not really reach out? Why not study in a library or with another person? Why not meet face to face with other guys who masturbation problem as you do and are trying to give it up, too?

Nope, gotta use charts on my wall with 'x's that only I know what they mean, reading my old journals to understand myself better, chizzuk to remember who I really am,
. To hell with you and finding yourself. Instead of jumping into a pool of emunah, I think you need to jump into a pool of real live people. Any people. As long as they are not you, it's good. If you are anything like me, right at this moment you seem to be your own worst poison.
 
I am full of shame, full of gayvoh, and full of lust for self-awareness and self-esteem. It gets me nowhere, so I have something else to fix me. It's called "my G-d". I was taught how to use it by addicts.

Rav Twerski told me 5 years ealier to go to them to learn how to use this thing (G-d)...but I was too afraid and too ahsamed. Five years of suffering for me that I can't describe to a non-addict. Five years of suffering by my wife that I can never fully understand. Nu. Finally, in 1997, I came to the addicts to teach me recovery and my life, our life, my relationship with my G-d (Hashem) is completely on a different footing. Life is good.

So I ask you: What are you so ashamed of? Of meeting yet another man who admits that he likes unzipping his pants and masturbating to porn so much that he eventually does it again - and again? Why the fear? G-d is already watching you full in the face while you are sneaking the looks at the sweet porn (and it is very, very sweet and he knows that, too); He is in your zipper when you pull it down; He hears your thoughts as if they were being spoken out loud mamesh, always - He always has and always will. So? He has not struck you dead, has He? He pardoned Kayin who murdered his own brother with rocks till he bled to death - you are worse? No matter what the sforim say, you have not murdered your own brother. You are a tzaddik'l trying to be good, and He knows it and loves you enough to create an entire world just for your sake. Even while you are on your knees masturbating He feels this way, for sure. So he wants yo to have the good life, not the trash of self-loathing and porn slop.

Contrary to the nevi'ei shekker of your comfortable isolation tell you, you have no evidence at all that He is actually disgusted with you. For all you know, He still loves you like crazy. So?

What is this shame? Why the preservation of the isolation?

I can suggest an answer, but only for those who really want to hear one. I can keep a secret, in the meantime...

youre a hundred percent right, but what about those that have no friends available like he is saying.  I have few friends stam but when the whole campus is empty its mind numbing.  but during the week too, i need to work on this. on being social.  ok youre right.  next step.  but seriously, what can someone in the situation of an empty campus do?  thats not for me thats for confidence.

dov wrote on 25 Nov 2011 14:36:

Been there, done that!  The charts, the kabalos, keeping a journal,  thinking that my problem is just x,y,z.  Reaching out to real people has helped me more than any of that.  I LOVE ISOLATION!  It also happens to kill me.  I need to keep remembering that.

You can if you really want to be with other people.  its easy to stay alone. is there not a Hillel or Chabad near campus wherever you are??

it s in your hands Literally  (both ways)  !!!!!!!

shkoyach gadol. your advice rings true.

one reason behind my isolation tactic has been avoiding hte values of others that tend to numb me in other ways. but no matter what i say i can understand it can't be worse than pron and will not get me where i need to be.

i'm goin to try this advice. i'll start with studyin in the library fora  change.

i'll prob get sommore studyin done while i'm at it too

day 4 clean btw.......

Hey, taking that step forward is awesome!

But for SSBT's point, I will highly recommend starting a regular relationship on the phone with at least one other sincere guy who is as stupid as I am when it comes to porn and masturbation. Lots of us qualify here on GYE. I know many who have such relationships that make all the difference for them. It's relatively painless, makes the fact that we are doing something about our problem all the more real to us, and always helps.

It is amazing what that'll do for you - it truly is a game-changer. Of course, our resistance to taking that step is proof of the it's power as a 'medicine'. We are often shocked to learn that our overwhelming desire for privacy is actually the most powerful tool to protect our ability to keep using our dirty little secret friend and all the imaginary starlets that come with it.

Go for it. Pischu li pesach kechudo shel machat - just start that little phone call with a real voice of a real recovering person on the other end, and see what happens.

is there a system set up to help arrange these types of phone convos? i think it would be best for me to be in contact with someone that i do not run the risk of meeting in person.

why not use the chatroom, its empty

Chatting misses the point completely, unless it to create a more nearly real relationship (like on the phone or in person). Why do you think sex-talk is so incredibly popular in chatrooms? It's cuz we are still fake and using a fake (therefore very imaginative and not shameful at all cuz it can be fake) persona. More fakery, we don't need.

No breaking out of comfort zones, no gain.