I fell twice today. hard. really, really, hard. am feeling really depressed about it. its the first time that ive fallen since joining the forum a week ago. Its only a week but it was the best, cleanest week ive had in...years, probably. I was doing so well... I guess I got too relaxed. Im crying...I just cant seem to break this damn thing...please pardon the language. It is destroying my life. now i cant go to shul tomorrow because I cant face god after falling. and of course its at the absolute worst time because I have a huge test that i need to study for and after I fall i can never sit and study. and i have a reunion with friends soon and i wanted to be more than a week clean soooo badly for that. i just dont know what to do... ive already smashed one laptop over the summer and Im either on the verge of smashing the next one, which is a total of about $1200 down the drain, or maybe just giving up with religion entirely...I just cant keep these standards... I know this may seem extreme to some, but its truly how i feel...obviously im not going to do that, im just venting. but i feel like breaking something, im so angry and sad. i feel broken myself, actually.

Nobody likes to fall and I feel your pain in falling but may I ask what youve done differently this past week to prevent falling.
As for not going to shul tomorrow, is God only in shul that you can't go there to face him?  Who do you think gave you life while you were falling. Hashem doesn't need you to run away from Him because of guilt. We run towards him when we have guilt because He can save us. The only one who doesn't want you to go to shul tomorrow is the yetzer hora the one who pushed you to fall in the first place.
Hatzlacha. Don't despair. And look forward to a sober say tomorrow.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling so depressed. I can really relate to that. I actually just fell today also twice After my first 18 day streak in a long time. I went to the Mikveh soon after and I was feeling a lot better but what really made me feel the best is that I learned a really good second seder and night seder. I still feel the repercussions of falling but at least it took away my depression. Some one wrote to me (I don't know how to do a quote) to try and use this as a speing board that now you have a goal. To beat ur streak by even just one day. You are a great person and that's how you should feel when you meet with your friends and the fact that you fell doesn't make you bad. It just shows you actually that you are trying so hard and you are actually always working towards this holy goal. That's how you should think of yourself when you are with your friends. That you have a 24 hour job that you do. Its truly amazing. Stay strong and keep on trucking. Hashem can do anything as long as you let him. He hears your cries. He knows he knows that you are trying brutally hard. Hatzlocho and I hope this helps a bit.
          Newlife

hey guys thanks, its always nice to hear some uplifting words.  to UR A JEW- well first of all, i joined this forum. talking with other people who are like me really, really made me feel better. i also hid my laptop at the bottom of my closet and primarily stayed off it. i had been posting from my zune ( MP3 player) where i have internet with no video capabilities. its a tiny screen, so theres really no worry of falling from that. ive never stayed off my laptop that much in a week before. of course today, i guess i figured "oh i have a week and its sunday, so im probably strong enough to take out my laptop and chill a little bit, see what ive missed from not being on it during the week" next thing i knew, ot was hours later and id fallen twice. its like a trance, it just sneaks up on me. i guess for the coming week i know that im not strong enough to take out my laptop even for just a little bit.

Did you consider getting a filter and accountability software?  These do not work for everyone but its probably far better than the bottom of the closet method.  Also, have you read that GYE handbook, and signed up for an accountability partner?

LOL...um...i have 2 filters...

If you have two filters (don't they usually not work together?) and still able to see what you want, maybe you didn't set it up right? Like, are you the one who's holding the password?
Read the Handbooks, friend, and pick a strategy you're willing to stick to to get this problem behind you.
Your pain is real, and we feel for you. Please stick around and get help.

Hi there,

Are you working a 12 step program? do you have a sponsor etc?

tryingsohard wrote on 07 Nov 2011 03:21:

I can relate to what you are saying, an  am so so sorry. A few months ago i got really angry at myself and damaged my laptop hard drive, I had to replace it and everything. If you want to discuss filters I am here for you, I am not on the official filter team at GYE, so you could also contact them. All their details are at this page http://guardyoureyes.com/live/tools/filters/item/gye-filter-page.
I fell a while back after a 12 day streak, the longest that I had had in 3 years, just after discovering GYE,I was heartbroken and I fell many times after that. I became completely depressed. All I can say is that it was the yetzer's whole plan, I just forgot about it even ever happening, and I moved on. I was not strong enough to start busying myself with fixing my past falls and staying clean so I just totally ignored the fall, kept on trucking as they say. This ws probably harder than staying clean for those 2 weeks. Moving on. Shows you how important the yetzer hara considered it to keep me down.

the exact same thing happened to me after my first week (only in my second now), since i joined GYE.  i was so excited and felt totally invigorated by everything i was reading, and it seemed so easy, like i would be free forever.  and then next thing i new, bam, it was over. and right after shabbas too.  and there was absolutely nothing i could do to take it back.  the only thing to do is to start over.

my favorite thing that i've read out of the attitude handbook, and which is especially helpful after a fall, is item #21, which references the Gemara account of Yosef and Potifar's wife.  Yosef also had a fall, and it was at that moment that the Y"H tried to drag him even further down in sin, but Yosef resisted. he didn't worry about what he had done in the past or what would happen in the future, only about the present.  take a deep breath, ask yourself out loud, "what does Hashem want me to do right now?" and then just do it. 

guh, it's so corny and so difficult to get used to this phrase, but it's 100% true:
keep on truckin…

hey everyone thank you soooo much for your words of encouragement. i have two filters but im very good with computers...ive read the handbooks but i find it hard to relate to them. im not trying to pput anyone off with this, but i dont usually go for the over-the-top frum stuff like "fight that yetzer harah!" im not denying that its true, but it just doesnt usually help me in my time of need...i need more practical tips on how to fight this thing. thanks again!

ur-a-jew wrote on 07 Nov 2011 04:16:
tryingsohard wrote on 07 Nov 2011 04:21:


Just curious did you have the two filters when you smashed the laptop.  If you did, then should be pretty good confirmation that you don't need a filter on your computer but you have to make an internal change, let's call it a filter on your brain.  Someone has suggested the 12 steps and that's probably something you may want to look into.  In making that determination you may want to sit down with a pen  and paper and write out for yourself, your history with this struggle.  How you started, the feelings that you get (for good and bad) when you engage in this, attempts to stop, how successful they were.  My sense is that you may see a pattern emerging.  For example, you may see that when ever you start tasting porn, you go into a trance like state and can't seem to get out of it.  You wake up the next morning or whenever you get your "fill" and you feel really guilty, upset at yourself and at the world, and promise yourself that you will never do this again.  And maybe it last's for a couple of days, couple of weeks, or even a couple of months and then boom and the process starts all over.  If this sounds familiar, I don't think the filter is the real problem.  But let's take one step at a time.

For now, just remember it's a new day, God loves you more than you love yourself and you can stay sober today.  Hatzlacha

I just wanted to chime in and say, we're all with you buddy.  We know exactly where you're coming from.

Just joining in with the encouragements. However, if you read the handbooks and didn't find them useful, maybe you read the wrong handbook. There is very little in there about "let's fight the yetzer horo" for a simple reason: as you realize yourself, this has very little to do with yetzer horo. See if you can't find some practical tips here www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/ebooks/Nutshell%20July2011.pdf
Good luck.

A virtual Hug from a fellow brother. 

Dont forget its so difficult to maintain cleanliness when you are a few key strokes away from a sewer pipe.  Did our grandparents ever have to deal with such temptation so easily accessible?

dont let the down feeling get to you. just wipe the slate clean and start again.  the next time you will last 10 days, the next 2 weeks...so, youre making progress !!!!!